infatuation // m.h

20

(A/N: Quick shoutout to Pauline, even though you'll probably never read this. But I promised you xx)

Jo filled me in. She told me that she found her son, and that through Facebook they'd started talking and they agreed to meet each other.
"It's today. I'm meeting him today." Jo said nervously. She fidgeted with her hair in the mirror.
"I'm happy for you. It'll be fine. He wants to see you, that's a good sign. Now go." I said, pushing her out of the door of her apartment with a small laugh.
I followed her to the elevator but got off at my floor.

"Matty I'm bac-" I stopped when I saw that Matty wasn't in the living room. Or the bedroom. "Matty?" I called. I was worried. I walked into the apartment to see Matty, stooped over the bathroom sink. Doing what he said he'd stopped years ago. Cocaine.
"Matty!" I yelled, grabbing his arm.  I pulled him away from the sink. He rubbed his nose and blinked at me.
"What are you doing?" I yelled.
"I needed to forget." He said. I could see him starting shake a little bit.
"Matty, you promise me you stopped coke years ago!" I yelled.
"I did. But I was sad and it was there so I did it." Matty said. I could see his pupils getting bigger.
"When did you get this?" I asked Matty, grabbing the baggy full of white powder from the sink.
"Couple weeks ago." He slurred.
"A couple of weeks ago?" I asked, incredulous.
Matty nodded slowly, stumbling. He used a hand against the bathroom wall to steady himself. I could see he was drunk, too.
"Have you used it before now?" I asked quietly. I was terrified of the answer.
"No." Matty said.
"Matty, don't lie to me." I warned.
"Fine. Yeah. I've been using while you were away. But only the last couple of weeks." Matty said.
I felt at war slide down my cheek but wiped it away furiously.
"Why are you crying?" Matty asked, wiping his thumb over my cheek.
"You were on cocaine while I was away. Matty you promised you wouldn't do it again. You promised me." I said.
"You were gone. You left. My brother died. He left. Everyone leaves me. Everyone." Matty said, tears springing up in his eyes.
"Matty," I said quietly, wrapping my arms around him. I was smaller than him, and his chin rested on the top of my head, but I was the one that was holding him together. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise you. But you have to promise me that you'll stop doing coke." I said, pulling his chin down to look at me.
"I can't promise that." Matty said.
"Matty. You have to meet me halfway here. You were clean for so long. You were doing so well. You can't let that all go down the drain now." I said.
"What if you leave?" Matty asked quietly.
"I'm not leaving. But you have to get rid of this." I said, grabbing the baggy.
"No. Nikki, please, no." Matty aid desperately. He tried to snatch the bag out of my hand but I was too quick for him.
"Matty, I can't be with you if you're on coke. You'll end up dead. I can't deal with losing you. It's me, or this." I said, holding the baggy over the toilet.
"Nikki." Matty said cautiously.
"Are you addicted? Would you say that you're addicted?" I asked Matty harshly.
"Well - I - no, um," Matty spluttered.
"So you are. Matty you promised me. I used to be so worried about you." I said. Deep down I thought it was my fault - if I hadn't have left, he wouldn't have relapsed.
"Nikki I'm sorry. I had to. I was thinking about killing myself." He admitted.
My heart dropped to my stomach. I held the tears in.

"Me or it." I said, holding the baggy over the toilet again.
Matty's eyes were flicking wildly from the bag to my eyes. "You."
I sighed. I was so scared he'd chose the drugs over me. If he did, I would have had to leave.
When he's on coke, he's reckless and terrifying. I was always so scared of come home one day to find him dead on the bathroom floor.

I tipped the contents of the bag into the toilet and flushed.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for kissing Gemma and I'm sorry for getting into coke again. I'm sorry for coming into your life and ruining it." Matty said.
"Matty. You haven't ruined my life. I love you so much. But I can't be with you if you're on cocaine again. It changes you. You're not the Matty I know when you're on it. Makes you do things you wouldn't normally do." I said. Matty looked down at the bathroom tiles.
"Promise me. Look me in the eyes, and promise me you'll stop." I said.
Matty met my eyes and nodded, exhaling. "I'll stop. I promise."

I looped my arms around his neck and kissed him. He kissed back and I could tell that he missed me.
"I love you." He said. Matty pushed me against the bathroom wall with my hands above my head, so I was pinned there. His eyes raked over my body with nothing but lust in his eyes.
"I missed you so much." I whispered. Matty bit his lip before crashing our lips together, completely in sync.

After our make out session, we sat on the couch together and smoked joint after joint. He laid with his head in my lap, looking up at me.
"Thank you for staying with me. I'm sorry I'm such a dickhead sometimes." Matty apologised quietly.
I laughed. "It's okay. I love you anyway."
"I don't deserve you." Matty said, looking at me in awe. I leaned down to kiss him.
After an hour I fell asleep on the couch. It was the middle of the day but I didn't care. I never realised how tired I was until I was falling asleep.

I woke up a half an hour later to see Matty standing in the kitchen, swaying as he chugged an entire bottle of wine.
"Hey, hey. Stop. Babe," I prised the bottle out of his hands and set it down on the countertop. "Stop."
"I feel numb. I hate this. I need to go home." Matty said. His eyes were bloodshot and they looked so empty.
"I know. Do you want to leave so you have a few days at home, before the funeral?" I asked him.
He nodded. "I have to go home." He repeated.
"Okay. We'll leave tomorrow." I said.
"No. I need to go now. I'm going home." He said, walking to the bedroom. He started stuffing shirts and other clothes into a suitcase.
"You're drunk and tired. Matty, you need to sleep. We'll leave first thing tomorrow. But right now you need to sleep." I tried to convince him.
Matty nodded sadly. "I miss him so much, Nik. The last time I saw him was a year ago. I promised him I'd come home soon. Now he's dead." Matty slurred with tears in his eyes.
"I know, I know. It's going to be okay. I know you don't want to hear this. But you're going to be okay. I promise. I love you. Now get into bed." I said gently.
Matty crawled into our unmade bed and I crawled in after him. I wrapped my arms around his torso.
"Thank you for being here." Matty whispered.
I brushed hair out of his face. "I'm not going anywhere." I whispered back.