infatuation // m.h

26

My heart sank to my stomach.
"What?" I asked quietly. I avoided his eyes, staring at the loose thread in the sheets underneath me.

"We're going on tour. And I begged Jamie to let you come but he said it just won't work." Matty said.
"For how long?" I asked, preparing myself for the worst.
"Two months." Matty said.
I tried to stop my tears. But of course, one fat tear fell down my cheek, soaking into the sheet beneath us.
"Nikki. Please don't cry." Matty pleaded, tipping my chin up.
"How long have you known you were leaving?" I ignored my tears and the worried look on Matty's face.
"Um - two weeks." Matty said quietly.
My eyes widened. "Two weeks? And you didn't bother to tell me?" I asked, incredulous.
"I knew you'd react like this and I didn't want you to cry and I was scared." Matty blurted out.
"When are you leaving?" I asked. Matty's hand tried to reach for mine but I pulled away. A hurt look crossed his face. I ignored it.
"We leave in three days." Matty said, his voice turning cold. My heart broke, but I ignored the tears that so desperately wanted to fall.
"You're leaving in three days, and you didn't even think to tell me?"
"Because I knew you'd react like this! I hate seeing you cry. And I knew this would just cause a fight! Can't you just be happy for me for once?" Matty yelled, standing up.
"Of course I'm happy for you! But wouldn't you think to tell me sooner, so it wouldn't cause a fight?" I shouted back.
"Fine, whatever. Be angry at me. I'm done." Matty said, storming out of the room. I followed him and grabbed his hand, pulling him so that he was facing me. He rolled his eyes and pulled his hand out of my grasp.
"How are you the one that's angry right now? I'm not the bad guy here. You should've told me when you knew!" I yelled.
"Fine, I fucked up." Matty shouted, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I need to go and cool off." I mumbled angrily, barging past him. I opened the door and slammed it behind me.

I took the elevator down to the car park and got into my car.
I needed to go for a drive.
I drove and drove until I found myself at the beach. I always ended up at the beach. Whenever I need time to think, I'll end up on the shore.
I got out of my car and sat on the sand, after finding a shady spot.

There were kids playing and old couples walking along the shoreline together. It was such a nice day. I listened to the internal monologue going on in my head.

Why was I even angry at Matty? He just didn't want to cause a fight. Maybe I was overacting. It was what he wanted, why would I ever stand in the way of that?
But he didn't tell me, all this time and he knew. He was selfish. Maybe this would be the end of us. He'd find pretty girls wherever he was going. They'd all hear him sing and fall in love with him, just like I have. He'd forget about me and keep touring, getting more and more famous.

He'd find another girl to write songs about.

"Three days." I whispered out loud to myself. It was only then that I allowed myself to cry. I let the sobs rack my body, letting the tears dribble over my knees and soak into the sand.
"He's leaving." I murmured to myself. It occurred to me I didn't even ask where he was going.
I watched the waves roll onto the sand, coming close then retreating. I became lost in my own thoughts and my eyes went out of focus. I don't know how long I stared at the waves, I lost track of time.
I thought about Matty, about myself. About how much this relationship consumes us. I thought about how much I love him. About how much I know he loves me. I thought about how Matty loved his music and his mates, and how it was so important to him.

I felt someone sit next to me and wrap their arms around my body. I relaxed when I could smell him, so familiar and comforting. His cologne and cigarettes.
"I'm sorry." Matty whispered. His arms enveloped me and I felt safe again.
"I'm sorry." I replied.
"I love you." He murmured.
I leaned into him, my head in the crook of his neck. "I love you too."
We watched the waves for a few minutes, not saying anything. I closed my eyes and felt warm tears slide down my nose. I didn't want to make any noise, because then he'd feel guilty. I don't want him to feel guilty for doing what he loves. I took a deep breath in and he turned to me, holding my face in both his hands. He didn't say anything and I was grateful. He wiped my tears away with his thumbs and kissed my lips, soft and gentle and full of love. He held my head in his hands for a few seconds, staring into my eyes.

"I won't go." He said suddenly.
My eyes widened. "No. You have to. I'm not going to be that bitch of a girlfriend that makes you stay. This is your dream, Matty." I said.
"I want you to come with me." He whispered desperately.
I laughed through my tears. "I know. Me too."
Matty sighed. I nodded. I understood.
"I never asked where you were going." I said quietly.
"America." He replied. I felt my chest ache - it was so far away. I wiped my eyes to keep the tears from soaking into Matty's tee shirt.
"America. Shit." I whispered.
"We can Skype and I'm going to call you every day." Matty said quickly.
I nodded, smiling despise the tears in my eyes. "It'll be fine. Just don't go falling in love with other girls over there, okay?" I laughed, even though I was dead serious.
"Of course not. I love you." Matty smiled at me.
I leaned into him again, wrapping an arm around his waist. He kissed my forehead.
"I'm going to miss you so much." I whispered.
Matty nodded, squeezing me closer to him. "I know."