infatuation // m.h

50

"I-It's nothing." I said, pulling the laptop to my chest.
Matty set his keys and phone down on the side table and strode towards me. He tried to grab the laptop out of my hands.
"M-Matty stop." I begged as he grappled for the computer. I pulled it away and he snatched it out of my grasp finally. I was petrified. I felt a little light headed, like this was all some terrible fever dream that I'd wake up from eventually. I wished it was.

He exhaled, ran a hand through his hair, and then opened the lid of my laptop. I wondered what he expected to find. I watched his dark eyes as they read the page wordlessly. He ran his thumb along his bottom lip as he read, something I always loved that he did after he met me. I did it too. He only started doing that after he met me because I did it. We'd affected each other so much.

His eyes flicked from word to word quickly. His face went from hurt to angry and then numb. I felt the same numbness spreading through my chest, my arms feeling heavy. I bit my lip, feeling tears pooling in my eyes. He set the laptop on the coffee table slowly, his eyes cautious and quiet.

"Is this what you think is happening?" He asked quietly, looking down. His hands were shaking a little bit.
"We're falling apart, Matty." I said after a pause, my voice cracking.
I felt like there was a weight on my chest, making my ribs ache. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I should have known this was going to happen. I should have prepared myself better. Things were ending. I wasn't ready for what was about to happen. I didn't want things to end this way. I didn't want things to end at all. I wanted to pause everything, slow everything down. Everything was spinning and moving too fast.
Stop, stop, stop, I begged. But this wasn't a dream, and I wasn't going to wake up. This was real life and I had to deal with it.

Matty sighed and stared at me, standing up and running his hand through his hair again, a nervous habit he had. He braced his arms against the couch and his hair fell in his face.
I bit the inside of my cheek hard. His eyes were closed, his jaw taught. He looked focused and scared and unsure all at once.
"Say something." I begged him, tears staining my cheeks. I didn't bother wiping them away.
"We knew this was going to happen, Nikki." He mumbled quietly. His words stung - mostly because they were true.
"I don't want it to." I said, my voice cracking again. I hated that I sounded so small. Vulnerable. I ran a hand through my hair, feeling my entire world crumbling around me.
"I know. But we both know this isn't working. Nikki, I know you can feel it too." He said, his dark eyes completely captivating mine. I nodded softly. He was right.
"I love you, Nikki. But I know you can feel this slipping too. Things haven't been the same in a while."
"I know." I sniffled, wiping my eyes. 

There was a long silence. Matty stood at the end of the couch and I was sitting with my chin on my knees at the opposite end. I listened to his breathing to distract myself from the heaviness that was suffocating me.

He was so beautiful and it killed me that I wasn't in love as I used to be.

I felt like my throat was closing up. He was so familiar, we'd been together for so long. Everything about him felt like home. Now it was all ending. I wouldn't be able to wake up next to him anymore. I wouldn't be able to make his coffee. I wouldn't be able to hold his hand or go for drives or sit at the beach with him. All of that would disappear.

"I'm sorry." He said from where he was standing.
"You don't have to apologise." I said quickly.
"No - honestly. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you fell in love with me. This wasn't fair." He rambled.
"Matty," I stopped him talking, his eyes shutting for a second. "Stop."
He sighed and nodded, running his hand through his hair again.

I knew this was going to happen. I was the one that started this conversation, albeit unintentionally. I was having doubts, and so was he. If we were both having doubts, things wouldn't work. We knew where this was going. But no one had actually said the words. I took a deep shaky breath and decided I had to.

"So - i-is this us breaking up?" I asked, my hands shaking dangerously in my lap. I closed my eyes and waited for an answer anxiously.

I heard Matty sigh, then footsteps. I felt the couch dip next to me as he sat down close to me. His entire body leaned into me as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I let out a shaky breath. I leaned my head against his chest and he ran his fingers through my hair.
"I guess it is." He said quietly.

It was strange that we were breaking up, it felt more like making up after a fight. I wished it was a little bit. But I knew things weren't working. This had to end. I always knew it would. I let my eyes close.

"We knew we were going to break each other's hearts in the end."