infatuation // m.h

49

The next month passed.
The same awkward, strange tension had remained. I hated that it had.

I didn't know what was happening.

I loved Matty. I adored him. He was my entire world. But something had changed. Between us. Things aren't the same now.
I felt like we weren't looking at each other in the same way. Saying 'I love you' felt false in my mouth.
We argued, every day. Over small things like dirty dishes and that we didn't do anything fun anymore.

"Hey babe," I called as he was walking past the bedroom. I couldn't fight the feeling that calling him 'babe' felt odd.
"Yeah?" He called back. I got the feeling he didn't want to talk.
"Um - nevermind." I said quickly.
I heard Matty sigh audibly. "What, Nikki?" He asked exasperatedly, hovering at the doorway.

I was sitting in bed, the sheets strewn around me in a kind of hurricane. "D-Do you think I'm beautiful?" I stuttered.
Matty sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Of course I do." He said. He made it sound like it was a chore, like he had to say it.
I bit the inside of my cheek hard to keep my tears from falling in front of him. I doubted he would care.

Everything seemed forced between us now. Everything seemed like it wasn't all there. Hollow. Unnatural.

Most nights I would go to bed alone.
"I'm going to bed." I said, lingering at the doorway of the bedroom.
"Okay. I'll be in in a bit." Matty said, not turning his head away from his laptop.
"Aren't you coming?" I asked, biting my lip.
"I'll be in soon. Just have to finish this." He muttered.

I would crawl into the cold sheets and fall asleep feeling lonely.
I would wake up the next day with Matty turned on his side on the opposite side of the mattress, his back to me.

Matty and I were standing in the bathroom brushing our teeth when it all kind of clicked in my head.

I'd been overreacting at anything he said.
We had been fighting constantly.
He'd gotten jealous and overprotective.
I was needy and needed to be reassured all the time.
He wasn't completely happy.
Neither was I.

We weren't working.

I rinsed my mouth out and walked out of the bathroom wordlessly. I needed to breathe. I stood in the kitchen, the fluorescent light buzzing above me.
"You okay?" Matty asked, bending down to grab a water bottle from the fridge.
"Y-Yeah." I swallowed my tears.

We got into bed together and for a second, everything felt normal. His arms were around me and we were close again. I felt like I hadn't touched him in years. I'd missed him.
I let out a sad sigh and he stared at me for a second. "Are you alright?" He asked.
I nodded and closed my eyes.

The next day I woke up to find Matty was out. I made myself breakfast and kept my thoughts away from him. I ate breakfast in silence. There was something I wanted to do, but I was petrified to do it. If I did, that meant this was real, and that meant I'd have to face up to it.

I took a deep breath and brought out my laptop.

Search: signs a relationship isn't working

7 Tell Tale Signs The Relationship Just Isn't Working Out

I clicked the article and read along, holding my breath. I was petrified of what I might find.

1. You don't communicate anymore.
You don't talk like you used to. You used to be able to talk for hours and text until midnight - now you're struggling to hold a conversation.

2. No more butterflies.
When you're holding hands, all you feel is - well, a hand. There's no more fireworks or excitement. You might be losing the spark that you need to keep the relationship going.

3. Sex is all you have.
It seems like there's no emotional connection any more. If sex is the only good thing in the relationship, it might be time to call it quits.

4. You fight. A lot.
Constant bickering, arguing, fighting - it's all that's been happening lately. A little bit of arguing is good for a relationship, and helps gets things out in the open. But constant fights aren't a good thing.

5. Things aren't fun anymore.
You don't laugh as much as you used to. Hand holding and forehead kisses are a rare occurrence. Cuddling doesn't seem to happen at all. Sounds like you're headed for a break up.

6. You can't see a future together.
Things might be alright for now, but what about later on down the track? Have you talked about it? If not, it might be a warning sign.

7. You find yourself asking: 'What's the point?'
Relationships should be fun and should make you happy. If you're not happy, that's not a good sign. If you're wondering what the point of a relationship is, and not finding one, it might be time to say goodbye.

I'd just finished reading the article when Matty came through the door. "Hey-" He started to speak.
I slammed my laptop shut, worried he'd seen. My ribcage was throbbing in time with my anxious heartbeat.
"What was that?" He asked, pointing to the laptop suspiciously.
"Nothing." I said, moving it closer to me.
"Nikki," He said warningly. "What was that?" He repeated.