infatuation // m.h

36

After Noah dropped me home, I thanked him and collapsed into bed.
I finally let myself cry. I thought about Matty, Gemma, Noah...I thought about how much I missed Matty and how much it killed me to see him with Gemma today. I thought about how he was probably with her right now - kissing and staring at her like he used to stare at me. I knew he was only doing this to get back at me from our argument over the phone today. But it didn't make it hurt any less.
I was a nobody.
She was a supermodel.
Matty was a rock star.
They belonged together.
Why would he ever have wanted me?

I didn't bother to change out of my dress, I was so tired. Sleep pulled me under in a matter of minutes. I was exhausted.

I woke the next day from my phone blowing up with notifications.

Matty - Missed Call (14)

2:30am - Matty: What the fuck Nikki

2:34am - Matty: Answer me

2:40am - Matty: Nikki who is he

My breath hitched in my throat for a second. My heart beat sped up and I felt my heart drop to my stomach.

I checked Twitter in a flurry. Plastered all over my timeline were photos of me dancing with Noah. Photos of us dancing, photos of us so close we could've been the same person, photos of us leaving together. There was even a photo of Noah pinning me up against the wall last night and photos of me getting into his car. Grainy and blurry, but still obvious. They made me look terrible. They made it look like we hooked up last night. I felt hot tears sliding down my cheeks, my throat closing up. My breathing became erratic and rushed, my head started throbbing. I felt like I'd never be able to explain properly. I'd never be able to tell his what actually happened. I'd just end up crying.
What if this breaks us?

I was petrified of calling Matty. I didn't want to hear him angry at me. I knew he'd be pissed off and jealous.

I decided I just needed to bite the bullet and call him. I dialled his number with shaking hands and choked sobs.

"M-Matty." I sobbed.
"Oh, look, she speaks!" He yelled.
"It's h-honestly n-not what you think-k." I stuttered, trying to keep my sobbing under control.
"Is it? Are you sure you didn't fuck another guy, Nicole?" Matty seethed. His tone cut like a knife. He never called me Nicole. He was pissed.
"I didn't have sex with him!" I yelled, running a hand through my hair.
"Are you sure?" He spat.
"Fuck you, Matty! I don't have to take this shit!" I screamed, ending the phone call. I threw my phone across the bed, disappearing into the sheets.

I let myself sob. I changed out of my dress from last night into a clean outfit and brushed my teeth.

I heard my phone vibrating from somewhere in the sheets. I sighed heavily and rummaged through the bed to find it.

"What do you want, Matty?" I answered exasperatedly.
"Explain." He said through gritted teeth.
"Oh, you're going to let me speak now, are you?" I said spitefully.
"I said, explain." He demanded.
"You were with Gemma." I said, my tone quietening.
"So?" He asked coldly.
"You did it to make me jealous." I stated, feeling tears well up in my eyes again.
"No I didn't." He lied.
"Well, that's even worse! If you weren't doing it to make me jealous that means you wanted to be with her!" I yelled.
"You're jealous." He smirked.
"Of course I fucking am!" I shouted.
"You still haven't explained what the deal with that dickhead last night was." He said angrily.
"I was lonely and jealous, you were gone, he was polite. We danced and he bought me a drink." I explained.
"And then?" Matty asked, sounding like his anger was just bubbling under the surface.
"Then he offered to take me home and I let him." I stated.
"Did you kiss him?" Matty asked.
"No. He tried to kiss me, but I stopped because it wasn't you." I said quietly.
"Did you go home with him?" Matty asked.
"No, he drove me home and then he left." I seethed.

"You didn't hook up with him?" Matty asked quietly.
"Of course not, Matty." I sighed exasperatedly.
The phone went silent for a bit.
"I feel like I can't trust you, Nikki." He said.
I spluttered. "You feel like you can't trust me?" I asked, completely incredulous.
"Yeah." He said stubbornly.
"Oh my god. You fucking asshole!" I yelled.
"What?" He yelled back.
"You feel like you can't trust me because I danced with another guy?" I laughed harshly. "What happened between you and Gemma?" I spat.
"We went out for lunch." He stated blankly.
"So you can go on a date with another girl, but I can't dance with another guy?" I asked, completely gob smacked at Matty.
"It wasn't a date." He seethed.
"Yeah, whatever. Do you love her, Matty? Would you rather stay in America with her? Because if that's what you want, then do it. I won't stand in your way." I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I wiped away my tears furiously.
"You know what I want." He sighed.
"No, I don't think I do any more, Matty. What do you want?" I sobbed, giving in to the flood of tears I'd been holding back.
"I want you." He mumbled quietly.
"Fucking act like it then." I whispered, my voice cracking.
I ended the call.