infatuation // m.h

28

Those three days passed like nothing. I desperately clung to the time Matty and I spent together, but it was gone before I'd even realised what was actually happening.

I helped him pack, passing him shirts and pairs of jeans from the wardrobe to his suitcases. I ignored the aching in my chest. I didn't want to let him go. I desperately wanted to cling to him and make him stay. I knew I was being selfish and ridiculous. I knew this was his dream and his passion and his livelihood. I knew his music was what kept him alive most of the time. I couldn't stand in the way of that. This was bigger than him and I, this was his fans as well. The hundred of screaming girls getting up at the crack of dawn to queue up to see Matty and his mates perform. I knew they were Matty's reason for making music sometimes. This was his life. I couldn't be selfish.

But it still didn't make it any hurt less.

Matty's flight was leaving at 11am. We woke up wrapped in each other's arms at 8. I spent an hour just staring at him, trying to memorise what he smelled like, what his eyelashes looked like this early in the morning, how his hands were always cool and soft, what his lips tasted like.

I was being stupid, it was only two months.
Two months.
It sounded like such a long time.

I drove Matty to the airport. We sat in silence for a little bit, watching the clouds turn from white to grey above us. I kept my eyes on the road and willed myself not to cry. Matty flicked on the radio for a little bit, filling the tense, silent air with pop songs. He sang along quietly. Matty's hand remained on my thigh the entire drive.
"I wish you were coming with m-"
"Don't," I interrupted him. "Don't say it," I whispered. I made sure my tears weren't visible. I pretended to check the side rear view mirror and blinked back my tears. "It only makes it harder." I mumbled. I ignored how my voice cracked a little bit. He pretended not to notice for my sake. I was grateful.

I held Matty's hand as we walked to his terminal.
We got there with forty minutes to spare.
Forty minutes.

Matty and I walked to the check in desk.
"Hey, I'm just going to go grab something, can you tell her my details?" Matty asked me.
I nodded. He kissed my cheek quickly before walking off to the little row of shops in the airport.
The lady behind the desk looked at me sympathetically. "Let me guess. He's leaving, and you don't want to hold him back, but don't want him to leave?" The lady asked.
I nodded with a sad smile. "How can you tell?"
"We get a lot of people here, honey. But you know what my favourite part of this job is? Seeing them come home, and seeing how  happy the couple is." The lady said with a warm smile.
I smiled at her gratefully and caught up with Matty.

I checked the time, even though I didn't want to.
Thirty minutes left.
There wasn't enough time, I wasn't ready.

We had a little bit of time to talk. I stayed away from the topic of saying goodbye. I hated goodbyes.
"Text me when you land." I said.
"Of course." Matty said, kissing my forehead.
"Promise me you'll stay off coke." I whispered suddenly, staring into his eyes with so much intensity it made me blink.
He bit his lip. "I - I promise." He said, giving in when he saw how much he worried me.
"I love you." I mumbled, staring down at the tiles. I inhaled sharply as a sob travelled through my body.
"Nikki. I love you. I promise I'll call you every day. I'm going to miss you like hell." He stumbled over his words and his fingers trailed over my arms.

We greeted Adam, George, Ross and Jamie. They'd arrived with suitcases and bags in hand, looking more excited than ever. I could see Matty shared their excitement, in his eyes. Why would I ever want to stand in the way of this?

I hugged the other boys briefly, saying hello and goodbye. They shot me sympathetic looks when they saw how much I was going to miss Matty.
"He loves you. He'll be back before you know it." George reassured me, letting me out of his tight, bone-crushing hug. I smiled weakly at him.

I stepped towards Matty finally. I held the tears in, but felt some spring in the back of my eyes. Matty wrapped his arms around me and squeezed.
"I love you so much." He mumbled into my hair as he hugged me. I closed my eyes and inhaled, trying to memorise exactly how this felt. His arms around me. His scent. His shirt against my cheek. His breathing.
"I love you too." I whispered wetly.

"I'm sorry to break the mood guys, but we have to be on that plane in five minutes." Jamie said, interrupting us.
I stepped back and nodded, wiping my eyes. I tried to say everything I could through my eyes. Matty seemed to understand. He nodded and gave me a small smile.

He stepped towards me and our lips collided. I smiled and ignored the tears falling down my cheeks.
I'd miss him so much, but he was happy. So I was happy.

"I love you." Matty said, squeezing me one last time before breaking away from me and walking with the boys to the tunnel that connected to the plane.
"I love you." I whispered.

10:59am - Matty: I miss you already xx