infatuation // m.h

51

It had been six months since Matty and I broke up.

Matty packed his stuff and left the day after we said what we said. I remember holding back the tears and ignoring the aching between my ribs when he left.
He kissed my forehead while I squeezed my eyes shut, and then he was gone.

I think he was living with George in an apartment in the city now.

Matty left one of his old black tee shirts here, I think he did it on purpose. Something for me to hold on to. I get this funny feeling in my stomach every time I see it. Fond nostalgia and regret and sadness all in one.

I never stopped loving Matty, not completely. When you love someone that much, you never really stop. They'll always have a spot in your heart. Always. Even if sometimes you want to cut that spot out of you and throw it away, you can't.
You'll always love them.
It'll hurt to remember them sometimes, but you know that in the end, it ended because it had to.

I haven't seen him in six months. I had avoided any trace of him like the plague, to make sure I got over him. I wasn't going to put myself through pining over him.

I needed to let go.

I started to forget what he looked like. I couldn't remember if his eyes were dark brown or hazel. I couldn't remember what he smelled like, the tee shirt he left had lost its scent. I was starting to forget his voice. He was fading in my memory.

We haven't spoken, or texted, or called. I was becoming okay with it all. I learned to live without him.

I missed Matty, but I was okay with what happened. I'd come to terms with it. I was alright.

I wondered how he was doing. I hoped he was happy.

I heard his band had really taken off. Someone told me they were doing smaller shows now, to connect with the fans more. I was happy for them.

It had been six months and I was doing okay. Matty was addictive. There were so many times that I wanted to call and apologise and beg him to come back. I found myself writing out messages and deleting them before sending them.

I'm happy now. I was happy with Matty, I really was. But things just weren't working. We were slowly falling out of love, kind of like my parents did. It terrified me.
I was glad we broke things off while we were still in love, even if it was only a little bit. We still loved each other, right up until that last day. I'm glad that we didn't cling to the carcass of the relationship, and let the feelings between us sour and die. I still loved him. I still love him now.
I'd rather it that way.

In the first few days, I wanted to close my eyes and pinch my arm and wake up. I hated that I cried all the time. Looking at that damn shirt he left made me burst into tears. I wanted him back so desperately. But he was like a drug, and I couldn't allow myself to relapse.

After the first few months, I got used to him not being around. I got used to the idea of life without him. I stopped expecting him to be sitting on the couch when I came home in the afternoons.

After six months, I was okay. I didn't need him. I still loved him, and I always would. But it was okay. I'd survive.

I painted a lot more. I sold painting after painting and I could tell that Jo was proud of me. Her own art was taking off, too. I could support myself now, Jo taught me everything I know and I could sell my paintings on my own.

I moved out of the apartment. It felt like leaving a piece of me behind, but I needed a studio. That apartment was filled with memories of Matty, it was our own. I missed it, but I had to leave.
I moved into a loft just outside the city. I set up the loft exactly how I liked it. It was my own space, and I adored it.

I was still close with Danni and Holly, they were there for me after Matty and I broke up.
I was living my own life, but I couldn't hide the feeling that I missed having someone else.

"Hey. We're going out. You're coming." Holly called me.
"Okay," I laughed. "Where are we going?" I asked.
"There's this gig tonight in the city. Danni got tickets off a mate. I don't even know the band's name, I don't know if they're any good," She laughed. "But it'll be fun. You need a break."
"But I need to finish this piec-"
"Nikki! You're coming out with us tonight, whether you like it or not. I'll drag you out of that house if I have to." Holly yelled.
"Fine." I sighed with a laugh.

It'll probably be some pretentious indie band, I thought. But it was a night out, and I did need a break.

I played some tunes as I got ready, feeling myself actually getting excited about going out. I hadn't had a night out with the girls in ages, I'd been so caught up in my art. I needed this.

6:37pm - Holly: Yo I'm outside, hurry up x

We arrived at the venue a little before of doors opened. We waited in line with the crowds of people, the air buzzing with the excitement that always came before a concert. I still had no idea what sort of music the act would be playing. Either way, it'd be fun. It was nice to just relax and be with my friends.

"Danni! Hey!" A man called from behind us. We turned around to see who was yelling out.  He was tall, at least 6'5", and he had glasses.
"Kurt! Hey!" Danni greeted him, squishing him into a hug.
"How've you been?" Kurt asked with a warm smile.
"I'm great! Guys, this is Kurt. He owns the venue. He's the one that got us tickets." Danni introduced Holly and I to Kurt.
"You guys want to come inside?" He offered, winking.
We grinned and followed Kurt inside the venue, allowing us front row at the show.

We stood at the front as multitudes of people poured into the venue, the chatter growing louder and louder. There was music playing through giant speakers either side of the stage, getting the crowd hyped up. A drum kit and four mics were set up. I had a feeling this would be good.

I grinned at Holly and mouthed a 'thank you' - she was right, I was having a good time. She smiled back and squeezed my hand quickly.

I saw four silhouettes walk on stage as the throngs of people around me shrieked, but I still couldn't make out any faces of the people on stage. I hoped they'd be a good act. The crowd seemed to think so. There was a huge wave of excitement in the air.

The lights dimmed and the crowd screamed, and I felt alive. There was a buzzing electricity pulsing through the sea of people surrounding me.

A giant white rectangle was illuminated on stage and I gasped.