infatuation // m.h

42

(A/N: 2K reads yo ilysm x)

The next morning Matty woke up groaning. My eyes opened to see his face, bruised and bloodied.

"Holy shit." I mumbled, trailing my fingers softly over his bruised jaw. He winced and flinched away from my hands. "Sorry babe." I said, hiding a smile.
"I'm sorry about last night." He said gingerly.
"I know. How are you feeling?" I asked.
"Like shit." He sighed, the ghost of a laugh in his voice.
"I'm gonna go get you some more ice." I said, sitting up and crawling out of bed. Matty exhaled heavily as he watched me walk away in my underwear. I laughed softly.
I fussed around in the kitchen and wrapped ice cubes in a plastic bag then took it to the bedroom.
I crawled back into bed with him and held the ice to his jaw.
"Thank you." He mumbled.
I leaned up to kiss his cheek softly.
Matty gave me a helpless look.
"I want to kiss you," He said with a pained smile. "But I don't want my lip to split and bleed all over you."
I laughed and grabbed his chin softly, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. He moaned.

The next two weeks passed. Matty's jaw returned to it's normal colour and his lip slowly healed.

I didn't paint much. Jo had been busy catching up with Jake and doing her own painting. Jake and I didn't speak and I didn't really want to. He knew Matty was back and avoided me if we passed in the hallways. It didn't really bother me.
Jo's art was taking off. Matty and I had been busy making up for lost time while he was away.

I woke up one morning and realised that I'd been so distracted, I hadn't noticed that my birthday was a few days away.
I'd be twenty five. Twenty five.

Matty hadn't said a word about it. He seemed distracted as well. Had he forgotten?

I listened to him making coffee in the kitchen. I was alone, staring at the bedroom ceiling.

I'd be twenty five in a few days.
I started reflecting a little bit, thinking about what I wanted and how my life was.

I loved Matty. He was everything to me. I loved it. I loved that we were so enthralled in each other. I loved that I always felt a little lightheaded around him.  But I hated how obsessed I was. I hated that my entire existence revolved around him. I hated that I felt so empty when he wasn't here. I loved him. I loved him so much it killed me.

I thought about how I used to think - how I used to plan everything.
University. Job. Married by twenty three. Kids by twenty five.
Things hadn't gone to plan.

I always wanted to ask Matty how he felt about us ever being anything more than we were.
I knew I was being ridiculous and overthinking everything.
I loved exactly how we were right now - infatuated and obsessed. I loved that we had our apartment and our lives and that we were living. I loved just having him and being able to call him mine.

But part of me wanted more. I was so conflicted and had a hard time trying to listen to all of the voices in my head at once.

Part of me wanted wanted to get married and get a house and a dog. The apple pie, white picket fence lifestyle. It'd be nice, I think. But it wasn't really my thing.

Part of me was so content with exactly how everything was.

Part of me knew that Matty and I wouldn't last. I knew that this relationship wouldn't work. I hated thinking like this. I wish I could just live in the moment and stop overanalysing everything, but I couldn't. I knew that Matty and I were toxic for each other and that we'd eventually break up. I hated thinking about the end of things when I was in the middle of the good bit. I didn't want to think like this. I tried to distract myself by lighting up a spliff, but that only heightened the thoughts.