My life has basically turned to shit.
I don't know what to do anymore, guys.
I need irl friends, but I feel like I did in middle school all over again: I'm not anyone's main friend. I'm the side friend, the one everyone goes to when they're mad at their other friends.
I've cried at least once a day every day during the past month, or at least it feels like it.
I'll just be sitting in class, and all of a sudden I'll just start crying and I don't know why.
I want to go to guidance and talk about it, but there's only one counselor I want to talk to and she's been busy the last two times I went to see her.
I've been feeling more and more depressed lately, guys.
Like, I've had really dark thoughts, thoughts I know none of you would like.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just hating everything, and everyone keeps telling me it'll all be okay soon, when the musical is over (we have tech week all week this week), or when I'm more well-adjusted to freshman year (I'm like 2 and a half months in already), or when I stop freaking myself out about everything. But I can't.
I'm so sick of people telling me not to worry. I'm so sick of people telling me I can't be in complete control of every situation that I'm in. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm going to be okay, that I just have to keep on pushing through and everything will be fine.
Because, I don't care how cheeses it sounds, I'm really not fine at all.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to tell me mom to get me a therapist or something, honestly, because I'm starting to get legitimately scared of myself.
I've been thinking about self-harm for week now. I haven't done it, but I've thought deeply into it.
I don't know how much longer I can go on at this point. I don't even know what I have going for me anymore.
I just want to be done.
Sorry for freaking any of you out, but I need to get this off of my chest.
I also want to get the fact that I'm starting to be more attracted to girls than guys off my chest to my family and a SHIT TON OF MY FRIENDS because I can't stop thinking about it and this one girl literally said to me, "Catherine, I'm going to get you a boyfriend" FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL
Whatever, I'm out.
-Cat
