I Found Love at Thirty Two

II-William

I put on my hoodie and wore my gray tinted shades before leaving the center.

It's not that I am ashamed of seeking help but the thought of people seeing me leaving a Counseling Center freaks me out. Paano na lang kung kakilala ko sila? Paano kung kilala sila ng mga magulang ko? At kuhanan nila ako ng picture?

Paano kung husgahan nila ako sa kung sino ako?

Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko kapag may nakakita sa aking kakilala ako, iiwasan nila ako at lalayuan at ayokong mangyari yun. I still want to remain as the wholesome guy lalong lalo na para sa mata ng parents ko. I don't want to hurt them kaya kahit nandito na ako sa Pilipinas, I try to do my "fun nights" discreetly at si Aaron lang ang nakaalam ng lahat ng lihim ko. At I don't disclose any of my identity. I don't give my name to any of them. Yung iba nga, akala Im a pure Australian at nagpa-tan lang kaya iba ang kulay ng balat ko.

I transfer condos every now and then so there's no way out that my one night stands will end up in any kind of relationship. The model last night, I am pretty sure she will have a hard time remembering how to get to my condo. She was all overly crazy about me and I know I didn't fail satisfying her every fantasies. We started "chilling" in my car and ended gasping for breath in my bed.

My Counselor, Dr. Gomez said that what happened last night is normal. Di naman daw talaga ganun kadali ang magbago. It's a continuous process at hindi pwedeng isang tulog lang eh maayos na ang lahat. Ang mahalaga raw, may goal ako sa sarili ko.

He asked me to write down my goals in life which I took picture at ngayon nga eh wallpaper ng phone ko. This will help me raw stay focus with what I want myself to become and to make it easier for me to remember, I outlined in down using my name and here it goes:

- Welcome a new me!

- Jump off from my old self!

- Renew William Joseph Robinson.

*Signed WJR

If Aaron would see this, I know he would laugh at me. Kahit ako naman I doubt if I could really do this but I'm giving myself a chance.

I still see myself settling down with the woman I would be both sexually and emotionally attracted with. I just don't know if that would even happen.

Ang sabi noon sa Sunday school namin, Love is patient. Love is kind. Pero di sa amin tinuro noon na love is painful too. My biological mother's love caused her to fall for the man who abandoned her but even if she knew that it would be hard for her, her love for the child in her womb kept her moving forward until she gave life to me and lost her own.

Pag-ibig. Meron nga bang taong handa akong mahalin kahit na kung sino pa ako?

I turned on my stereo and found myself singing with Cliff Richard's Ocean Deep---

Love, can't you see I'm alone

Can't you give this fool a chance

A little love is all I ask

A little kindness in the night.

I opted to change the station and settled with an upbeat song. Hindi ko na muna iisipin ang pag-ibig. Ang mahalaga mabago ko muna ang sarili ko.

***

"What? Fifty thousand pesos?"

"Yes. You heard me right William. You'll deposit Fifty thousand every time you'd do it."

"That's unfair!"

Nakita kong napangiti si Aaron sa naging reaction ko. I am now in the office and have changed into my business attire. Ang sabi niya, para raw talaga ako magbago, dapat may kapalit na malaking halaga ang "kabaliwan" ko.

"And because you did it last night and you missed an important meeting, you have to give me your keys."

"Ano? Pero bakit naman ang susi ng kotse ko?!"

"So that you cant do bar hopping. Tingnan lang natin kung makaalis ka pa kung wala kang kotse."

"Pare. I promise. I wont mess up the meeting next time."

"Seryoso?"

"For real pare. Ill do anything to close that client."

"Okay. Then visit this place."

Aaron handed me a flyer of a church na may nakasulat na "GOT QUESTIONS?" tapos sub caption ng God is the answer. Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong mainis. Alam na alam naman ni pare na I try to move away from religious stuff dahil alam kong I am not "clean enough" to face Him.

"Pare, are you telling me to visit this place? Look, I left my parents back in Australia dahil hindi ako makahinga tapos you are asking me to be in here?"

"Yes. The owner of the studio is from this church and she basically spends most of her time in here apart from teaching in a university and volunteering in an orphanage."

"Wow pare! Kelan ka pa naging NBI Agent?"

"Pare, she is single."

"So?"

"Im just saying, don't mess up with her and ruin the business deal."

"I won't go to that church pare. Just let me close the deal my way."

"It's up to you. Kahit kelan, ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo. I have to leave you in here for a while. I have to do some things for Bianca."

"Alright, pero pwede bang bukas mo na lang kunin ang susi ng kotse ko? May.. may ihahatid lang ako sa hotel."

"Look at you. I thought you are trying to move away from temptation."

"Pare, its Angeline. She knows that I don't like her even if she is hot. I mean, looking at her, I don't think we are sexually compatible. I'll just drive her from the airport to the hotel. Kawawa naman eh."

"Siguraduhin mo lang pare."

"Don't worry. I have more than Fifty thousand in my account just in case I break my promise again."

Umalis si Aaron ng umiiling iling. Kapag talaga si Bianca na ang nangailangan sa kanya, nagkakandarapa umalis. Ganito nga ba talaga ang love?

Muli kong hinawakan ang flyer na bigay ni Aaron at binasa ang caption ng isa sa mga picture dun---- Pastor David Kang and with his wife Maggie Kang , a love that is made to last.

Binasa ko ang maikling testimonial nung Pastor Kang at aaminin ko, may naramdaman akong lungkot sa puso ko. Pakiramdam ko, napakaperfect ng pamilya nila. Sana, magkaroon din ako ng ganoon balang araw.

A family---one big family.

The thought of a family made me remember the grocery lady's angelic face and almost perfect body at naramdaman kong sumikip ng konti ang pantalon ko.

Nasisiraan na nga yata ako ng bait. She has a child and for sure married but why am I thinking about her again?

I turned on my laptop and launched youtube and searched for Social Media Marketing Strategies, focusing on how to use Facebook and Twitter to expand one's business. Mag-aaral na lang ako paano lumago ang negosyo namin. I know I have to stop thinking about her and imagining her on my bed, begging me to take her.

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AN

Annyeong! Sorry kung maraming ligoy ang kwento. hahhaha. Hayaan niyo naman. Cute naman si WIlliam di ba? hahahhaah

Gusto niyo bang malaman kung sino sina David Kang at Maggie Kang? Go check out And I Kiss Brian Goodbye. 

Thanks people and God bless you all.

****

Sharing with you our daily reflection for today.