I Found Love at Thirty Two

24: William

I got my 6th bottle of beer and started drinking to my heart's desire. Geline is out of the country so it's just me in the unit and no one will stop me from drinking. Lucy won't know too. I've texted her that I am not feeling well and would rather stay at home. She said she would try to drop by but I told her not to.

Mahirap na lalo at mas malalim na ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. This is not just lust, physical attraction or sexual desire. This is way higher than any of those. Pero natatakot akong makita siya na nasa ganito akong sitwasyon. What if bumalik ang dating halimaw na William? At di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko? Yung lalaking beast pagdating sa kama...Ayokong magsisi ako sa huli in exchange of temporary happiness. Isa pa I respect Lucy at mahal ko siya...

These past few days that Lucy and I were together were amazing, mula sa soccer lessons namin at photography classes to working in joint projects of our companies na mostly Ay out of towns, to visiting the orphanage and playing with Twinkle and the kids every now and then to eating out in almost all the Korean restaurants in Metro Manila to even playing basketball and racing at mall arcades. I would drop by her office so we can have our lunch, syempre lahat ng mga Filipino cuisine na si Lucy ang may gawa. She doesn't react anymore if I call her love, she would just smile and let it be. Masaya sa pakiramdam na Lucy allows me to express how much she means to me. Everything was just so memorable, so magical and perfect.

Naramdaman kong masarap pala talagang magmahal. Not that my adopted parents didn't love me, but I'm referring to that kind of love that I feel with Lucy. I never thought that something like this would happen to me. All I had before was flirtation and one night stands but Lucy came and led me to the light. And yes, I've experienced a greater love, yung love din na galing kay Hesus at alam kong si Lucy na ang babaeng nilaan Niya para sa akin.

Masaya ako na pakiramdam kong I'm almost there. That soon, Lucy will say yes to me and eventually I'll see her walking down the aisle, smiling at me, we would exchange our vows and say yes to our forever with God as the center of our relationship. I'll be daddy to our children and she will be mommy to me and our kids.

Sa totoo lang, excited ako. Si Lucy lang ang nakagawa sa akin nito at nakikita ko na ang sarili kong tumanda kasama siya. Siguro we won't be able to play soccer anymore but we will be holding hands while cuddling and watching soccer games on TV.

I thought okay na ang lahat pero kagabi, after my meeting with the representatives of a non profit organization that supports people with AIDS and HIV for their 25th anniversary celebration na company ko ang gagawa, I was left questioning a lot of things, uncertain of what might happen in the future, sa amin ni Lucy.

Pinilit kong itago ang nararamdaman ko at kaninang umagang pag gising ko, hindi ko maipaliwanag pero napuno ako ng takot sa kung anong maaaring puntahan ng relationship namin ni Lucy.

What if one day Lucy will realize what a kind of man I was? What if habang magkadate kami may dumating na babaeng nakama ko, may kasamang bata at ako ang ama? What if one day may bigla na lang manakit kay Lucy dahil nasaktan ko ang damdamin niya na pagkatapos ng one night stand ay iniwan ko lang siya? What if one day magising akong mahina na ang immune system ko at malaman kong I have AIDS? At kapag kinasal kami ni Lucy ay mahawahan ko siya at sirain ko lang ang buhay niya?

Hindi ko alam pero takot na takot ako. Alam kong napatawad na ako ng Diyos pero hindi ko alam kung matatanggap ako ni Lucy kapag nakilala na niya talaga ang dating William. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko kapag pipiliin niyang iwanan ako dahil sa nakaraan ko.

At dahil sa takot ko, kahit na matagal na akong di umiinom, I found myself buying 1 case of beer from a nearby convenient store, calling Aaron and telling him I can't go to work snd keeping the truth from Lucy and telling her that I'm not feeling well.

Gusto ko lang mapag-isa, lunurin ang sarili ko sa Alak kahit pansamantala. Kalimutan kung anong meron at uminom ng uminom hanggang sa makatulog ako at sana magising ulit gaya ng dati, walang takot at puno ng saya. I know God will not be happy seeing me like this, but I'm too damned worried and scared. I don't want to lose Lucy.

I was about to drink my 7th bottle when my phone rang. And that ring tone would only mean the call is coming from Lucy--- All of My Life, an old love song that speaks so much of what I feel for Lucy, 'something's telling me it must be you, and it's telling me it might be you, all of my life.'

"Will, okay ka na ba?" May pag-aalalang tanong niya sa akin.

"I'm good love. Don't worry too much. I'm just watching soccer replays."

"Talaga? Gusto sana kitang alagaan kaso ayaw mo naman akong puntahan ka." Kahit na lalaki pa ako kinilig ako sa sinabi ni Lucy. I wanted her to take care of me, all of me pero natatakot ako. Takot na takot.

"Love, I want you beside me too. Pero baka mahawa ka."

"Will, ano ka ba, kahit na ano pang sakit mo, kung gusto mo ko sa tabi mo, okay lang. I'll take the risk."

Ilang segundo ng katahimikan ang nangyari hanggang I just started crying. Hearing Lucy say that she is willing to take the risk made me cry. Kasama ba sa risk na yun ang pagtanngap niya ng buo sa pagkatao ko at sa nakalipas ko?

"Will, why are you crying? Anong problema?!"

"I'm just crying love.. Kasi.. Ano, ahmmmm. Mahal na mahal kita."

I heard her chuckled and I felt relieved. She can still make me feel better kahit na sa phone ko lang siya kausap.

"You are crazy William. Buksan mo na nga ang pinto. Let me take care of you." Masaya niyang sabi sa akin.

"What do you mean love?" Anong pinto ang bubuksan ko? From her office nagteleport siya sa unit ko?

"You open the door of your unit. Kanina pa ko dito. Ang bigat kaya ng dala kong food. Let's have our lunch, snacks and dinner together. I blocked off my schedule."

Huminto ang pag-ikot ng mundo ko sa sinabi ni Lucy. Is this really the right time to tell Lucy of everything?

Hindi ako makapagsalita.

Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko.

"Oy William Joseph Robinson, I'll count one to three. Kapag di mo pa bubuksan tong pinto, ipapakain ko na lang sa iba yung luto ko."

"Wag love. Sa akin lang yan. My worms are hungry too." Mabilis kong sagot kay Lucy.

We both laughed and listened to each other's silence. If this is really the right time God, then help me. Help me because I don't want to lose Lucy. No.