tape → narry au

57 → silentium

Silentium:
silence, stillness, quiet; inaction, cessation, standstill, from sileō ("I am quiet, I am silent.")

"Harry."

I only shake my head repeatedly.

"Harry."

Again.

"You have to eat," he clarifies.

I deny, "No."

"Harry," Liam moves to sit beside me. Quick to encase me into his side as I allow him, defeatedly.

"You can't stop progressing because of--," he stammers. "Because of the incident."

"I just want Niall," I croon into Liam's shirt, ignoring his previous statement because it didn't matter.

"I understand," Liam comments.

"No, no you do not," I declare, pulling out of Liam's hold to stare at the floor. "You may have lost Louis because he left, but he's also still alive."

And that may have stung Liam a tick but it was entirely true.

If Liam were to leave Tape tomorrow or even later today, he'd have a greater chance to see Louis than I would have with Niall.

Because my Niall's dead and I, I'm still alive. Unfortunately.

Liam doesn't counter. He doesn't even respond to me, though he pulls me back into his arms before I'm able to push away from him. Shaking my head to deny access of comfort from him.

I didn't want comfort. I wanted Niall.

-

A week past by, slower than habitual and it was because I had nothing to do. No one specific to see nor share my day with.

I was hidden away in cabin nine with bottled waters Liam left a few days prior along with a plate worth of saltines.

I didn't touch them though. Sipping the occasional sip of water for prevention of dehydration but that was all.

I avoided group session meet ups and intentionally prevented myself from participating in Tape activities, and I didn't converse with anyone. I only wanted to talk to Niall.

To my misfortune-- Niall wasn't here. It wasn't a dream.

I chose to suffer myself more to Niall's absence: wearing my favourite hood that he owned—the burgundy coloured one before wearing one of his black joggers.

Burying myself in the linens on his mattress that happened to hold his scent. A few unshed tears escaping my eyes at the familiarness.

Then I lied there until I declared the time sempiternal. A tapping sound coming from my front door causing me to depart from the comfort I found in the quilts only to open my cabin door.

It took a load of effort but when I finally reached the door Miss Siddle and Doug were stood right before me. A sympathetic look etched onto their faces that wouldn't alter any of my remorse or sadness by a chance.

"May we come in?" Miss Siddle questions, already entering my cabin without my consent.

I nod anyways. Doug then following behind Miss Siddle as I close the front door to cabin nine quietly.

The two sat on the edge of my mattress as I took a seat on the floor before them. My head resting into my palm that was propped onto my knee in boredom.

Why are they here?

Miss Siddle answers my question before I able to ask it. Clearing her throat as she says, "I'm sorry for your loss. Your trauma."

I blink. What trauma?

"You witnessed something so horrid with Ni-"

I cut Miss Siddle off before she could say the name I didn't want to hear aloud for the moment, or ever.

"Please don't say his name," I plead. "Please."

My voice cracks with vulnerability. Sounding as a pathetic plead. An inaudible whisper but Miss Siddle nods understandingly.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles.

"And I'm sorry also," Doug utters sharply. "He was a very creative, growing, joyous-"

"No, he wasn't," I state confidently, not bearing myself to hear any lies consisting of Niall.

The Niall I knew was very much different from the Niall they perceived and they didn't even know it.

Doug ignores my interruption by continuing on, "He's told me a lot of confidential information.."

Did he tell you he was planning to kill himself?

That he was going to write a letter before actually succeeding with his inward plan?

"...He even spoke about you Harry," Doug stares at me with a broad smile to in which I don't bother to return. I didn't feel like smiling. "You two were quite attached."

Until he detached himself from me gradually; permanently.

But then again-- There's Always a Permanent Ending. Niall just happened to end his permanency more rapid than mine or the others here at Tape, on his own accommodation.

His own time and there was still nothing I could change nor do to go back into time.

That's what I wanted most—

Closure from this.

Even if it was too soon, I needed to end the remorse I was beginning to become familiar with for more than a week now because of Niall's death.

It fucking hurt to say Niall and death in the same sentence.

It also fucking hurt that Niall left me.

I nod at Doug. "Okay," I mutter unaware that he finally stopped speaking.

Miss Siddle then decides to talk.

"Are you comfortable living here in your cabin alone now because of the," she pauses. "Incident?"

I nod, even if it was further from the truth but I didn't want to move cabins nor converse with others—I wanted to be alone, to myself for the next few weeks before my departure from Tape.

Miss Siddle nods understandingly. "Are you sure, Harry?" she questions, I nod before she sighs, clapping her hands together.

I watch the two stand from my bed, heading towards the door, Miss Siddle turning back to say:

"I hope to see you for our next meet up for group session but if I don't, I'll completely understand," she gives me a solemn smile. "I'm sorry for your loss again."

Doug walks over to hug me as I stand in his hold still. He doesn't seem to mind, murmuring into my hair like Niall usually did:

"It'll all get better soon, I promise. You'll grow from this."

All I could do was stand still--

My thoughts overtaking my mind as usual but there wasn't much I could do without Niall here.

We couldn't discuss the obstacles that we both could've fixed together. And we couldn't discuss anything in general.

I knew one place I could confide in with the thought of Niall sitting right beside me and that was the only place I could receive any sort of closure from:

The bolder.
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A.N: Happy Reading!

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