tape → narry au

59 → raison d'être

Raison D'être:
a reason for existing.

Being with Liam made the days pass by faster. Living with Liam, I instantly shifted back into a healthier Harry than the Harry I'd transformed into two weeks prior.

Niall has been gone for two weeks now.

It still felt surreal and I was still greatly effected by it. Why wouldn't I be affected about it? He means a lot to me.

Today was Monday meaning group session and the mark for another fresh week. I had one more week to survive before I left Tape.

Left all of this behind me, and I was honestly looking forward to it. I just wasn't looking forward to leaving Liam or Bean behind.

They were the only two that found a profession in watching over me as if I were their infant, their baby. Nonetheless I didn't feel disturbed by it-- they were being friends, good friends.

I awoke to an empty cabin since Liam had advanced to group session. There was no motivation for me to continue going there. There was no way Miss Siddle could cure me now (as if she was before).

Waking up in cabin five felt peculiar at first but after the past week, the unfamiliar feeling shifted into habitual, fortunately for me.

It still felt odd awakening without Niall beside me or near me, but there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I wash then run my fingers through my lengthy hair before changing into one of Niall's leaden coloured hoods, my own black skinnies and poor conditioned converse. Exiting Cabin five to the expected empty canteen cabin.

But it wasn't empty.

Ed was there with Bean and the look on my face sensed surprise though theirs didn't.

Bean beckoned me over to where they sat as I tacitly oblige, walking to sit across from the two deliberately staring at the table to avoid eye contact.

I feel Bean's hand caress my arm gently like Niall use to do as her soft voice asks, "How are you feeling today?"

I shrug, "Shite."

I glance up to Bean see a small frown etching its way onto her face. "Why?" she questions almost obliviously.

I hear Ed grumble at her, instantly imagining an eye roll coming from him also.

"Maybe because I forgot about Niall's birthday that just past. Maybe because Niall's not even here and-," I stop my own self because it really feels painful to even say his name.

Shaking my head repeatedly, I stand to my feet. Walking out of the canteen without another glance towards Ed or Bean.

-

I was lying on Louis's bed that was now called my own, silently. Eyelids slowly closing but then opening instantly at the thought of sleep. I couldn't sleep because they always turned out to be nightmares since the incident.

The thought of sleep drifted off entirely once Liam enters the cabins front door with a solemn smile directed towards me. His feet taking slow steps until he was sat on the mattress beside me, brown eyes staring at me sadly.

I don't blame him.

Liam sighs, "My parents are here for me."

And that wasn't a shock—everyone always leaves me.

"And you're." I stammer, "And you're leaving me too?" my voice cracks but I don't mean for it to.

Liam sighs again before nodding slowly. "I don't want to leave you but I've always wanted to leave Tape since Louis left," I watch Liam walk to the bedside table writing on a paper then handing it to me.

It was a number; most likely Liam's.

"You leave in a near week," Liam notes. "And when you're finally out of here, dial that number to reach me, okay?"

I nod, "You're an amazing friend; person. Thank you for everything Liam."

Liam smiles broadly before enclosing me in an amiable embrace. My hands finally returning the warmth I hadn't been giving people for the past weeks. But for Liam, he deserves it.

"And you are too," he utters into my ear softly.

I watch Liam pack his belongings swiftly before exiting cabin five, but not without another embrace and saddening goodbyes.

Then Liam leaves, spearing me a solemn glance and an unhappy yet friendly wave to in which I return just as sad. Closing the front door to his own cabin slowly as I sit on the floor to myself once again.

I would've never thought Liam would leave before I, but he did just like everyone else.

I begin to sob silently to myself—they always leave me.

-

I tuck the paper with Liam's number in the makeshift journal Doug helped Niall create. I still couldn't find the courage to read any of the written words from Niall himself and from the looks of it, I never will.

A tear falls from my eye as I allow my fingers to trace over the markings of the journal cover. Words and handwritten decorations written across it.

Words like:

"Niall + Harry = Infinity."

The symbol that describes it-- ∞. Various other wordings that could entirely support why Niall was such a cheeky fucker.

I actually laugh at the thought, opening the cover then roaming through a few pages before coming to an abrupt stop.

20 August 2015

I think I'm in love with Harry.

Wait. I am in love with Harry. Harry bottom Styles, haha totally kidding (a little).

I've been struggling lately to find the right time and the right words to say it but he's Harry. My perfect boyfriend so everything has to be perfect.. or just like us; odd.

I just want him to love me back.

What if I tell Harry I love him and he doesn't love me back?

I'll still love him.

Love how he looks in the morning-- hair tousled and just everywhere yet he's still beautiful. His bright green coloured eyes. I didn't even know that colour existed until I met Harry.

His cute smile. I'm glad I'm able to make him smile since we're both habitually sad. There's nothing we can do about that and-- that smile is the reason to why I still exist.

That smile is a reason for existing: I'm in love with that smile.

I'm in love will Harry Styles also and I think I always will be because he's Harry Styles, my Harry. Mine.

I love Harry and it's not because he's bottoms but because he makes me happy.

It'll make me more happier if we'll continue to know each other until eternity and I'd get to call him: Harry Edward Styles–Horan.

Does that even sound right?

Maybe Horan–Styles or I don't know?

And for the first time in weeks I was able to smile whilst trying to fall into sleep.
_____________________________________________________________________

A.N: I'm not too fond with dedications on chapters but since xsweetlystylesx sent the cutest message to me earlier noon, I thought to dedicate Part 59 to you.

I hope everyone else enjoys it and if you did:

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