tape → narry au

17 → velleitie

Velleitie:
a wish or powerful desire for something that nonetheless is not or cannot be followed by actions meant to pursue it.

The answer was no. No Niall will never speak to me again.

He hasn't spoken to me in four days and each day felt worse than one before it. The silence that I've always labelled as comfortable around him was now more tensed than ever.

The two of us awoke in silence and went to sleep in silence.

Got prepared for the day in silence and entered and left our cabin in silence.

And those were the only moments we saw each other since we were both surrounded by other people around Tape.

Niall leaned more towards Louis and Dilan whilst I happened to surround myself with Ed and Liam. Though I still spoke to Louis at group sessions.

I found myself bonding greatly with Liam, and he did a great job occupying my time away from my thoughts and just Niall period.

The hours from Niall were rarely thought of him. Well I did but, the frequent thoughts lessened.

That didn't alter the amount of minutes a day I still had to see him. And since I couldn't speak to him, I always found myself gazing at Niall in secret.

During group sessions my eyes would wander towards the front of the circular table from where I sat in the back. Just staring at Niall, wondering what he was thinking or why he wasn't speaking to me.

If I were at the canteen the exact moment Niall was, I found myself ogling the blond there too.

Observing his every movement like a hawk whilst not having one explanation for my notion. That didn't, however, alter how I gazed at my roommate thoroughly.

I was just grateful Niall didn't find me staring at him. He never looked my way nor paid me any mind.

We'd just go our separate ways, to our separate mates, to our separate activities until it was time to report back to our cabins. That was always the worse time for me.

To forget about the awkward tension for a few hours then have to encounter it later on during the day wasn't a good feeling for me. I had not another choice though.

So like the other four days I'd just stay on my side of the room, the right, out of Niall's way for the better. He always did the same too. Keeping his distance by staying on his side to the left of the cabin; marking his territory.

And that's how the both of us would spend our evening: Sitting in silence until we both would fall into slumber to repeat the same actions the next day. It was horrid and boring.

I was currently readying myself for group session in silence, sighing as I ran a hand through my knotted hair whilst leaving cabin nine alone. Niall was still getting ready inside.

I almost got accustomed to walking the path to group session by myself. Already adapted to the habitual walk, but I haven't fully adjusted to walking on the perpetual path alone. Usually hearing Niall fire up a conversation that would keep the both of us distracted for most of the walk.

The almost constant twenty question, his contagious laugh, the bright smile; I missed all of it for an unknown reason. Maybe because it had all disappeared abruptly without a specific explanation.

I was anxious to figure why he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I couldn't help but feel I was the reason for not having the full opportunity of knowing all of Niall. Not just his fun self, but every part of him.