The Somnambulist

XLI. Out of Control

XLI. Out of Control

I haven't been this miserable in my whole life. I refused to eat. I refused to go out of my room. I can't even sleep. I don't give a damn about how I look right now. I just wanted to disappear. I just wanted to stop the pain and loneliness I'm feeling. I'm pitying myself. The only thing that was left in me was my life, which was slowly drifting away. I wanted to disappear quickly.

I closed my eyes. I can still feel the stranger's soft lips on mine. Stranger. But I don't feel like he was a stranger at all. I felt like I knew him, but I couldn't tell because all the time I was in that room, my eyes were closed. Maybe I'm just dreaming. Hoping even that it was Nicolai, but it would be impossible.

"Hindi ka pa rin kakain?"

Tumingin ako kay Klaus na nakaupo sa gilid ng aking kama. Sunod-sunod na araw na siyang pumupunta dito. Hindi siya tumitigil sa pagaasikaso sa 'kin pero ayoko pa ring sundin ang mga gusto niyang gawin ko.

"Saan ka natulog nu'ng isang araw?" There wass a glint in his eyes as he looked at me. Hindi rin nakalagpas sa paningin ko ang pagsulyap niya sa aking labi.

Kahit ayaw kong magsalita, pinilit ko pa rin ang sarili ko dahil ilang araw ko na din siyang hindi kinakausap. "I slept in other room. Napagod ako kaya doon na lang ako nakatulog."

Nung araw na 'yon, nagising ako na nandoon pa din sa kwartong 'yon kaya bumalik na ako sa sarili kong kwarto.

"He...hurt you," he said tenderly but there was a hint of anger in his voice.

I didn't answer. Tumingin lang ako sa unahan. Ayoko nang pag-usapan pa ang bagay na 'yon dahil mararamdaman ko lang lalo ang sakit.

Nicolai's words that time means we're over. He'll be marrying someone else. He left me. He no longer...love me.

There's one week left. I laughed sarcastically. Hindi ko na pinansin ang nagtatakang tingin ni Klaus. Maybe because I'm laughing but tears were falling from my eyes.

"Funny, huh?" I looked at him. "I'll be dying next week. Pero pakiramdam ko patay na ako ngayon pa lang. I no longer feel anything. I no longer feel alive. It's like I'm breathing but there's no use for it."

Lumapit siya sa 'kin. Naramdaman ko ang mainit niyang yakap. Wala na akong lakas pa para itulak siya palayo. Ngunit nang yakapin niya ako, bumuhos ang lahat ng aking emosyon. I'm dying to feel this, the comfort. I'm stuck in this room with nobody to console me, and now that Klaus is hugging me, whispering soothing words at me, all the emotions I kept in my heart leaked out.

"Why...why did he leave me just like that? Kung kailan mawawala na ako? Kung kailan hindi ko na siya makakasama kahit kailan?" Humagulhol ako. Wala na akong pakealan kung may makarinig man sa 'kin. Gusto kong ilabas ang lahat ng sakit na nasa dibdib ko. "I...I can't...I can't bare it any longer. I need him. I miss him. I love him."

Hinagod niya ang aking likod gamit ang kaliwa niyang kamay, ang isa naman ay marahang tumatapik sa aking ulo.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Hinayaan niya lang akong maglabas ng lahat ng hinanakit ko. Nagpapasalamat ako dahil hindi siya nagsalita. Ang kailangan ko lang ay ang makikinig sa 'kin.

"You need to rest," He cupped my face. He gently wiped the tears on my cheeks like I might break if he did it roughly. "I have something to tell you when you wake up,"

Napapikit ako nang lumapat ang kanyang labi sa aking noo. I sighed. The pain lessened a little but it was still there, clenching my heart.

"Bakit hindi mo pa sabihin ngayon?" tanong ko.

Umiling siya. "Mas mabuti kung magpahinga ka muna. Hindi naman ako aalis dito. Babantayan kita."

Matagal akong tumitig sa kanya. Ayoko pa talagang matulog. Ang gusto ko lang gawin ay tumingin sa kawalan. Nawalan na ako ng rason na gumawa ng mga bagay na dapat kong gawin.