Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

4 4 ~ A n n a

Flashback ~ December 30, 2010

"There was a robbery."

I don't know why I say it, but I'm glad I do. I hear my mom's sharp intake of breath, and see my dad's gaze harden. After that, they let me explain.

They listen as I tell them about going to the convenience store. I don't tell them why I really went in. I don't say that I followed the man with a gun... Instead, I say that the robber came in while I was already in the store.

I don't tell them about the photograph.

I don't tell them about Caesar or the phone ringing for me.

I don't say a word about his threats or the person he has watching us.

But I tell them as much as I can. About the robbery, the old clerk being shot, the money. I don't stop myself from telling them because that's what will be on the cameras. That's what the cops are going to see.

My mom grabs my hand when I start crying and I'm shaking by the time I get to where I run from the store.

When I tell them about how I'm probably on camera, my dad stands up and starts pacing. My mom isn't looking at me anymore. Instead, her eyes are fixed on the baseball bat that now lies on the floor. Toby stays quiet. Even he knows this isn't a time to interrupt.

When I tell them why I did it, why I took the money, I tell the truth. I was thinking of them when I took it, I was thinking of Toby.

I can see how much it hurts them to hear it, and it makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out. But I have to do it. I trust them and they need to trust me too.

And just when I think they are going to tell me to give the money back, or turn myself into the cops, they surprise me.