Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

1 0 9 ~ R u s t y

                

Present Day ~ July 24, 2011

The gunshot tearing through my skin.

The weightlessness.

The rush of air racing up at me.

The water slamming into my back like concrete.

And then I'm there again. The water isn't as cold, and it's darker. It's so much darker than last time, not a single ray of light... Just black ink spilling around me.

And even though it's warm, and even though I'm choking on it, I feel the cold. It's coming back to me, numbing ice and dark spots. I start to panic. I don't know which way is up. I don't know where Toby is. I don't know why it's happening all over again, playing over and over like my nightmares.

After a moment, I don't even know where I am. I reach through the water, clawing, but there's nothing to help me.

My lungs are burning. And the silence... it's so loud.

I can't see anything.

Am I dead?

I can't scream, no matter how hard I try. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. And there's no point in holding my breath now... it's too late. I know what happens when you run out.

I kick and punch, trying to get to something, trying to move, but I can't tell if I'm getting anywhere.

Minutes pass. It seems like hours.

Something starts to close in, a pressure in my head ready to explode. My limbs start to slow down. It's happening all over again, the whirring in my ears and the burn in my chest spreading through my whole body. Knives stabbing into my ribs and back.

My hands are empty. I lost Toby. I lost him again.

Wait... He's not drowning. I didn't let go of him.

He's still on the playground. Isn't he?

I can't tell what's really happening, whether I'm remembering or if it's happening now. I even feel a hand grab onto my arm. Just like last time.

That's not possible.

I'm dead.

This isn't real.

The hand keeps pulling and somehow, against the darkness, I see the spots.

Maybe I'm just imagining this. Maybe I died when I hit.

I feel my face break free first. I try coughing, I try to suck in air, but nothing happens. Somebody is pulling me against them, swimming in the water with my arm around their neck. I keep my eyes closed.

I got shot. I did, right? That would explain the pain twisting and ripping into my abdomen.

I keep sputtering in the water for a few more minutes, letting my body go limp as the hands drag me through the water. I'm dead. That's what's real. This is just a hallucination.

Surely, it is.

After what seems like an eternity, I hit something harder, like rock, digging into my back. Finally, I suck in a breath of air, gasping, only to cough up the water from my lungs a moment later.

I try to say something, but my throat burns. Instead, it just comes out as a broken cough. For some reason, I feel like laughing... This isn't even real but it feels like it.

The hands aren't just hands. I squint at the figure when I finally stop moving, and the hands turn to arms and those turn to someone.

"Rusty, shhh... You're going to be okay." I feel myself smile. I actually do laugh now. It hurts so bad, and to him, it probably looks more like a seizure, but I'm laughing.

He pulls me up onto the bank and I collapse against him, trying to breathe. "Blue?" I croak.

"Oh my god," he sounds like he's been crying, and I feel his arms wrapping around me. I just let myself slow down, let it all catch up for once. I didn't think I would see him again. I didn't think I would live to hug him again. I hold a hand to my side, where the pain is, but I can't feel it that much anymore.

It takes me a few minutes to get my breath, and I just turn around to look at him. He is crying. He's crying and smiling and brushing the hair out of my face. "I thought you were dead."

"Me too," I mumble, crying just as hard as he is. I rest my forehead against his and bring a hand up to his cheek. He closes his eyes.

"Don't scare me like that again," he mumbles. I nod against him. If this isn't real, I wish it is. "Are you hurt?"

I shake my head, but I'm smiling. "I'll be fine."

He starts to say something else but I interrupt him before he can.

"Hey, Blue?" I ask, my voice hoarse and dry. It hurts to talk, and I don't feel like talking anymore.

"Yeah?"

I take a deep breath. "Can I kiss you?"

He grins. "Yes."

So I do.