Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

5 1 ~ R u s t y

                 

Present Day ~ July 10, 2011

Mom.

Dad.

Toby.

Charlie.

The store clerk.

And everyone else who has suffered as a result of my actions. As a result of who I am and what I've done. As I lay here, staring up at the sky in a blanket of early daylight, I say their names silently to myself.

I did this after my family died, too. I named them all in my head.

I'm numb. I don't feel like panicking and screaming anymore. I'm too tired... I don't feel like doing anything right now. I just want to lay here and not get up.

Why can't I have parents around to tell me what to do next? How the hell am I supposed to figure these things out for myself? It's been too long since I had one of those in depth conversations with my dad or the one on one banter with my mom. It's been too long since I've played hide and go seek with Toby.

Those conversations with dad always went on until early in the morning.

Mom and I always sang along to the music in the car.

Toby always hid in the same place in hide-and-go-seek.

God, I miss them.

I could tell Blue the truth... I could. But I won't. He doesn't deserve to get pulled into this.

It's not that I can't stay here. I could, but it's too dangerous for everyone else here...

It's not about me anymore. It's about these people and what Caesar will do to them if he finds me. I'm not just on my own now. I have them to think about.

I sigh, grabbing my bags and reaching up to pull my cap down. Only then I remember that it flew off last night when I was running through the crowd. I pause when I get to the doorway, remembering why I came to this town in the first place. I drop the bags and begin to dig through them.

I come up with a ticket, staring at it for a couple of seconds. I know I'm procrastinating. I've stayed in the same room for the last five hours, waiting for my life to make a decision for me.

No. I'm not going to let this ticket control me. I'm not going to do what Caesar wants anymore.

Instead, I rip the ticket in half and toss it on the floor, grab my bags again, and head through to the warped door that I've busted in. I can hear people outside.

My stomach growls.

I don't have any food. I don't think I have more than ten dollars, either. I think back to the mental list of things I've been meaning to save up for... but instead, I find myself walking to Colt's dad's gas station, leaving my bags behind the theater so I don't look suspicious. I could get something to eat there, at least.

I'll just have to avoid Colt.

When I walk in, I immediately try to disappear from the sight of the counter.

I pull out the last bit of money I've got, counting up only seven bucks.

I shrug. It's enough.

I grab a bottled water and a 99¢ pack of crackers. I grab a dark blue cap off of a rack and flip it over my head.

"Hey Rust," I hear someone call from the other side of the store. I peek at them out of the corner of my eye. It would be weird if I didn't reply, right?

Just act natural, Rusty.

"Hey Colt," I say, cringing inside, but it's hard not to notice how low and scratchy my voice is. I take a deep breath.

Heading up to the counter and dumping my things, minus the cap, onto the counter, I listen to Colt speak.

"Holy hell, man, you do sound bad."

"What?" I ask as he starts ringing up the food.

"Blue told us about what happened. Sorry, you had to leave early. That sucks." I feel my body go rigid, but try not to look so frozen and stiff.

"What all did he tell you?" I wonder.

"You did get sick, right? That's why you two left?" He asks, then adds, "Is that all?"

I nod. "Yeah and the hat." He nods but doesn't bother asking to see it. "It must have been all of the food we ate."

"You should go rest for a bit, Rust. You look like shit," he grins.

"Thanks," I mumble and take my bag, longing to tear open the food. "You're probably right."

"Catch up with you later," he calls after me as I leave. He didn't say anything about me running from the cops. Did he just not see? Did the chase just blend in with the people running around? I'm sure there had to have been some eyewitnesses, or at least Charlie turned in a sighting of me.

Instead of heading all the way back to the theater, I stop in a shadowed part of the outdoor seating of Archie's. I collapse into the chair, pulling out the water.

Five more minutes. Just five minutes, and then I'll leave Wallen for good.