Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

1 0 1 ~ R u s t y

Present Day ~ July 24, 2011

I don't even make it to the road before I hear him call out to me.

This is something that I have to do. Alone.

"Rusty! Wait up!"

I keep walking toward the road. I don't exactly know which way it is to the address, but I think I have an idea. It's warmer out here.

"Rusty, please." I hear his voice, closer now, and I try to keep walking. I try, I really do. But my feet stop anyway and I look back at him.

Blue's hair is all messed up and he quickly catches up to me. I look away. "I'm coming back. I just have to go see..."

What's the point in keeping secrets from him anymore? Really, what is the point? Why do I keep trying to keep all of these things to myself? He isn't judging me. He just wants to protect me.

But I'm not the one who needs to be protected. He is.

"Let me come with you." He doesn't make a move to grab my arm. He doesn't try to stop me, except with his words. Why is that enough?

"I just need to be alone right now," I mumble, turning away and back to the road.

"But Rusty," he says, not moving to follow me. "You don't have to be."

I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with my problems anymore. Blue may know everything now, but there's no way he gets it. Nobody does.

I don't want him to be anywhere near Caesar. Caesar isn't the kind of person to spare witnesses. He's also killed pretty much everyone I've ever been close to, and if Blue is there... He's a perfect target.

"Why can't you just let me go?" I ask, and it comes out a little harsher than it needed to.

"Because you're driving me crazy," he says quietly. Then, louder, "And if you're going to that address, you can't walk there and back before it gets dark out."

I glance back when I hear a jingle. He's holding up his keys.

"Just let me come with you, okay? Just in case you need back up."

"You don't even know what the address is for," I say, and he shrugs. I take a deep breath. If I won't get back before dark... It might be too late. It would be the perfect opportunity for Caesar. He's right, even if I don't want to admit it. I can't get caught by Caesar until I've seen my brother again.

Silently, I walk around the side of his truck and get in, the car door shutting behind me like the crashing of cymbals or like a gunshot. It makes me jump.

Blue gets in the other side. I don't say anything and neither does he. I just hand him the post-it note with the address and pull my feet up into the seat with me. The truck jerks back to the road.

"I know I'm not alone," I whisper, just barely loud enough for him to hear. I don't think he does for a moment, but then his words are no louder than mine.

"You never were."