Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

1 0 4 ~ R u s t y

                 

Present Day ~ July 24, 2011

For the rest of the trip there, I wasn't quite asleep. But I wasn't quite awake, either. I was just in that in-between spot, with the comfort of sleep but not the terror of dreams. With Blue next to me, and the road ahead.

But then I feel the car slow to a stop, and I know it's time.

We're here.

But all I want is five more minutes. Five more minutes before I have to face it all. Even with the truck stopped, Blue doesn't move away from me for a couple of seconds. Minutes, maybe. Instead, I feel something soft wipe away something from my cheek. A tear? And a slight pressure on the top of my head. His lips?

"C'mon. We're here." He whispers into my hair. I nod slightly and sit up, wiping my eyes. I start to scoot over to get out, but he stops me. "Wait."

I turn back to him, and he pulls me into a hug. After a second, I relax and wrap my arms around him, too. We stay like that for a minute, him holding onto me like it hurts him to let go and me holding onto him like I'll never see him again.

I pull back first. Toby needs me. He turns away, not meeting my eyes and gets out of the driver's door. I turn to get out of the passenger's, but the door is stuck. I laugh, but it comes out more like a cry. He comes around and opens it for me, and I thank him quietly.

When I'm out, I see trees. It makes me shiver. I was lost in these very trees before. We're close to the bridge, I can tell, but he parked far enough away so that Caesar and anyone else wouldn't see us coming. I go to pull my hat down further over my head but find that it's gone. I don't know how I keep losing them, or when this one jumped ship, but I don't think it matters anymore. Even if someone recognizes me, it won't matter.

It doesn't matter now anyway.

We walk in silence, me leading the way to the circle of shops and businesses surrounding the park. The park itself is small, but it always seemed so much bigger when I was little. Everything did. When did I grow up? Back then, hugs seemed safer and locks seemed stronger. Smiles were real and there was nothing to worry about.

My feet are sending shots of chills up my body with every step. Everyone, getting closer to him. To Toby. He's going to be here. He has to be.

Unless this was all just a trap. Unless he was dead the whole time.

No, I can't think like that.

I have to believe that Caesar wasn't lying. I have to hope that Toby is here. Otherwise, we did all of this for nothing. We did it all based off of a newspaper clipping that Caesar handed to us himself. How could we be so stupid?

It's getting darker out, but there are still parents and kids in the park, on the playground. The sun hasn't gone down, not quite yet, but it's getting there. Some of the parents are gathering up their kids and pulling them away from the playground. Some of them are still sitting on the benches that are placed all the way around the grass.

Blue walks a couple steps in front of me now, and I feel like I have to keep up with him. I try to keep up with him. But my momentum is slowing down. I want to keep walking but I think I'm freaking out.

But I do it. I make myself keep walking.

I have to.

We reach the grass and as I step onto it, my heart leaps. I'm crossing a threshold. This is what I came to do.

I squint around the old playground, at how empty it looks, even with the kids jumping around and running on it. It seems kind of hollow now, like the colors that used to be bright when I was a kid just... aren't anymore. They're fading. Bleeding into the sky as everything darkens. Blue heads over to an empty bench and sits down. I follow suit.