Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

1 0 2 ~ R u s t y

                

                

Present Day ~ July 24, 2011

Everything I've gone through for months has been leading up to this moment. The moment that the truck pulls up to the side of the road and Blue points to one of the several cookie-cutter houses and says, "That one."

It's the tall one with a blanket of green grass separating us from it. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, and my hands quiver as I try to unbuckle my seatbelt.

I pause before getting out of the car. I hear Blue's door shut behind him as I look out the window. The house is peaceful, everything in perfect balance. It's too calm. It's too... normal.

I get out of the truck, reaching through the window to pull the handle from outside. Blue doesn't come near me, but he stands beside me. We watch the house for a moment. Just staying there, just being. I don't know how to explain it.

Their blinds are open. It isn't hard to see him inside, on his couch. Everything around me gets louder, overwhelming me in a twisting tornado of sounds. Birds calling. Car engines revving. The wind blowing. Someone mowing their lawn in the distance. The sound of my breathing.

It's all getting too loud.

I know it isn't him, but he has Caesar's face. Something pushes its way into my throat when I see him smile. And he isn't alone. A woman, with red hair and a little boy balanced on her leg, sits with him. They're looking at something across the room that I can't see. Probably a television. But the woman... she's smiling too. She's happy.

And their little boy, he's laughing and squirming in the woman's arms. My hands come up to my hair, pulling at it. This isn't real. This can't be real.

This is what I want to ruin? Do I want to ruin their lives just so I can have my brother back? It's a chain reaction, isn't it? Nobody wins...... except Caesar.

This was my life. This was my world. In balance. Happy. A family together, laughing. It used to be my life.

I feel like throwing up.

I can't do to this family what Caesar did to mine. And the woman's hair... it's a flame too. Is this why he chose me? Is this why he ruined my life? Because I remind him of the woman who his brother chose over him?

And that family in there... they are just now healing. They are smiling. Almost seven months ago, I was there when their other son was killed. Maybe I could have stopped it.

I can't do this to a family.

I'm not Caesar.

But at the same time, how else am I going to get to my brother?

"It's Caesar," Blue says and I glance back at him. I forgot that he was there.

"No," I say carefully, trying not to show everything that is going on in my head. "It's his twin. The one he was trying to find."

I pause for a moment.

"And if I want my brother back, I'm going to have to turn them into Caesar."

Blue turns back to me then. "Rusty... You're not going to..."

"I don't have a choice, Blue." I close my eyes. "If I don't... He's going to kill Toby."

"Rusty, there has to be another way." He still doesn't make a move toward me. He's giving me space. I'm glad.

"There isn't another way!" I yell out at him and immediately regret it. He's just trying to help. "There's never another choice. That's not how he works. It's my brother or these people."

He's silent.

Everything is so loud and so strong. I feel so helpless right now. There's no way out of this situation. There's no possible way that I can get out of this without hurting someone. If I turn them in, I get my brother. And their lives will be a living hell. And if I don't... Toby dies.

That's when it all starts to fall into place.

It's the man who is walking on the sidewalk towards us. His face, the look in his eyes, I can't believe that I didn't see him before. There were only a few people out and about on the sidewalks, running and walking.

The man stops right in front of us.

"Anna," he says. I feel all of the blood drain from my face. He's a delivery man. The kind that Caesar sends my way. Sent to watch outside my house. Sent to give me messages outside of hospitals.

Caesar beat us here... he's found his brother.

He did it.

That means that... that I'm his last loose end to tie up. He's done with me.

I lost his game.

Blue steps in front of me a little, just a single step. The man laughs at him.

"I'm not going to hurt her, Aaron," the puppet says, amused.

I step around Blue. "What do you want? Aren't you tired of being his little puppet?" I ask this with clenched fists. I know this man could beat me to a pulp, but I don't dare back down. Caesar would get mad if he hurt me.

That's his job. He wants to hurt me himself.

He laughs lightly. It reminds me of Caesar. It makes me sick. I try to keep my face straight and watch as he reaches into his pocket.

A matchbox. The man takes my hand and I step back, trying to jerk back from him. His grip is iron. Blue starts to move toward him, but I block him with my body. He gets the message.

The man pushes the matchbox into my palm and wraps my fingers around the box. He looks back up at me with a smirk.

"Be quick. He isn't going to wait for long."

And with that, the man lets go of me. I jerk my hand back, stumbling back into Blue, who just puts his arms around me. The puppet walks away, not glancing back. Just like all of the other times.

Then I look down at the matchbox. I go to take out the message and let the matches spill out onto the sidewalk carelessly. But it isn't just a message. It's folded up, and when I pull it apart, I see there is also a photo. Of me. When I was younger, sitting on the top of a set of monkey bars. White creases crack through the picture where it was folded up.

I remember that day. The sun was really bright out and the metal bars were hot, but I didn't care. I loved to climb up there and just watch everyone run around and play. Watch how the light hit the leaves on the trees. How it turns it gold. I turn over the photo. Blue reads over my shoulder, I'm sure, but I don't bother to hide the message.

Something inside me turns.

Something in my blood boils.

But it also scares me. It's a call to action. It's more than that. It's a threat. They're the words of the last message I bet Caesar will ever send me.

Rusty,

You amuse me. I've been looking through your old memories. The ones in your photo albums. You were such a cute kid.

Your brother and I have gotten to know each other pretty well. I've been keeping an eye on him for you. He likes the monkey bars too. Meet us there. I think he'd like to see you one last time.

I can't let you both live, of course. You come, he lives. You will, unfortunately, die.

If you don't, he's going to get the short end of the stick.

But whose fault is that, really?

You have until midnight.

Caesar.

I turn to Blue, who is staring right back at me. "We need to get out of here," I say and he nods. We both get back in the truck and I see his hands shake as he starts the engine.