Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

5 5 ~ R u s t y

                 

Present Day ~ July 11, 2011

"You don't have to do this," I say, looking at how my hands are clasped on the table in front of me. The waitress brings out a glass of water and I smile a little at her. She was the girl who was flustered at the counter a week or so ago when the tourists were just coming into town. She returns my slight smile and then her eyes flick between Blue and me.

"Are you all ready to order?" She asks. My eyes immediately search for the cheapest thing on the menu, a habit I've acquired over the last however many months. But then I realize that I've already got the cheapest meals at Archie's memorized.

"Um," I stall. "Number four, please."

Bree, her name tag says, glances over to Blue. "And what about you, slacker?"

He laughs. "It's my break. And nothing for me, thanks."

Bree rushes off to the kitchen and I'm left there, sitting opposite of Blue. It's awkward, but it's probably just me.

"Why aren't you taking care of yourself, Rusty?" I don't look at him. I shrug. Because I don't have enough money and I've got too many nightmares. I don't say that, though.

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. It flops back down in his eyes, but he doesn't seem to notice. He's looking at me. "Aren't you going to ask me why the cops were chasing me? Or what I did to make it this way?" I say this barely above a whisper, but even I can hear the apprehension in my voice. My hands are shaking under the table. I feel like I can't control them. The food comes and we thank Bree, but I don't eat yet. Instead, I get a rare burst of courage and look at him, dead in the eyes.

"You aren't going to answer me. That's why I don't ask." The smell of the food is getting to me, an aroma that is threatening to choke me if I don't eat right now.

"Yeah, you're probably right," I say, dipping my fries in ketchup before inhaling them one by one.

"Will you give me a hint? Just a little bit of your story?"

I shake my head.

Nothing but silence for about a minute. I keep my eyes on my food.

"Why do you want to leave, Rusty? We can help you. We've been trying to but you won't let us," he leans forward when saying this, his voice falling to a whisper. He traces some kind of pattern on the wet side of my glass.

I shake my head. They have helped me so much, but I don't know how to tell him that even if I'm better off having come here and met them, they still haven't really changed anything.

"Please talk to me," he says, moving back again. I know he's just worried, but I'm not even sure why he cares. I mean, he's better off without me anyway. They all are.

"You're better off without me," I mumble, wiping my mouth. His eyebrows come together.

"Are you serious?" he asks. I flinch. He doesn't sound angry or anything, but there's a trace of disappointment laced in his voice. Like he would have expected me to think differently. He notices my reaction and his face softens.

"Do you really think that?"

I shrug.

He's shaking his head. "You have no idea..." He doesn't look at me for once. "You have no idea how much we all care, okay? You're part of us now. We aren't better off without you. Don't say that."

He reaches over and grabs a fry off my plate. After a minute, he speaks again. "Give me one day, okay? Let me show you why you should stay."

I shake my head. I'm leaving. Why can't he accept that? "I've only been here for a few months."

"So?" he asks, tilting his head to the side in concern. I don't think he understands so I keep going.

"I've only been here for a few months. You all have been together longer than that. You don't need me. I don't belong here like you do."

My breath catches as he reaches over and grabs my hand across the table. I blush, looking down. I'm not blushing because he is holding my hand, but because my heart leaps at his hand on mine. I shouldn't be feeling like this. He's the one I should be trying to get away from, to keep him safe.

"Rusty, just give me a day. Let me show you. Just let me give you a reason to stay." My head is getting a little fuzzy from not sleeping. I look at our hands and wonder what he could possibly have to make me stay. He wouldn't...

"You aren't going to blackmail me to stay, are you?" I ask in a low voice. I wouldn't put it past Caesar to have someone like Blue watching me, even if I don't want to believe that Blue would do that. I pull my hand away unconsciously, not watching his reaction. I don't want to see the hurt look on his face if there is one.

"God, Rusty, no. I'm not like that." Then what are you like?

"If I still want to leave at the end of the day, will you let me?" I ask, now wrapping my hands around the cool glass of my water, glancing longingly at the empty plate in front of me. After eating, I feel fuller than I have in ages. I still want to sleep, though, and even more now that I've just ingested more than I have in a week of meals.

"I won't force you to stay..." Blue runs his hand through his hair again. He does this when he is nervous or frustrated. I realize then that I've actually picked up a lot of the little cues and habits of everyone in the group, especially him. "But I sure as hell won't stop trying to get you to stay."

I want to smile a little at that for some reason, but I don't. I just stare at the table cloth, licking my lips. How do I say no? How do I let him down easy, tell him that I don't want to stay? How do I lie like that?

And the bad thing is that I had planned on saying no. I had looked up at him, taken a deep breath, and spoke. I was ready to leave and grab my stuff from where I left it behind the dumpster. I was ready to go out to the road and stick my thumb up to catch a ride.

I was ready to walk away. Not for myself, but for them all. But then I said the opposite of everything my brain was thinking, and exactly everything else I was feeling inside.

"Okay."

And maybe I stillwill leave. I probably will. But I think, what is so bad about staying here onemore day? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.