Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

9 7 ~ R u s t y

                 

Present Day ~ July 24, 2011

I hear the footsteps first. Then the voices. I can't make out what they're saying, or who they belong to. I don't remember where I am. At first.

Then it hits me.

Now that I'm waking up again, I'm no longer warm and against Blue. I'm no longer in that comfortable place that kept my dreams away. I don't open my eyes, but I can hear their words now, just outside my little bubble of quiet.

"Dude, you are so whipped." I almost smile. I haven't seen Sawyer in a week, I think. But hearing his voice still puts me on edge.

"Quiet. You'll wake her up." I actually do smile this time, at Blue's voice. His is like the strings of my guitar, that honey-sweet sound.

"Oh, hey and she needed this. Give it to her when she wakes up, okay? I'm heading out," Sawyer says and I hear footsteps behind the couch. Then the creaking of the door opening.

"Wait, Sawyer." Blue's voice stops the movement of footsteps behind me. "What is this?"

"Um," he says, pausing. "She'll be able to explain it better than I can. I'm not even really sure. It's an address."

The door shuts and I don't hear anything for a moment. For some reason my stomach drops. If Sawyer actually found Caesar's brother... I thought I would be excited. This means I might get Caesar off my back. But now I just feel dread...

I don't get up yet.

I still have to explain everything to Blue. That's a conversation I don't want to have, not with anyone. I'm going to have to tell him everything, to make him understand, and I know that last time that I told my parents everything, they ended up dead.

Instead, I just keep my breathing even and listen to the soft footsteps coming my way. They pause right next to the couch, and then I feel a dip in the cushion next to me.

"Rusty?"

"Blue?" I answer. He laughs lightly, but there is a bit of tension in his voice. I know he has questions. I know he's worried. There's a crease in his eyebrows that won't go away until I talk.

I sit up, the blanket that was covering me falling down a little. I pull it back up and around myself to keep warm.

"Hot chocolate?" he asks and I look at the mug in his hand. I smile.

"How did you know?" I watch as he grabs his own mug from the coffee table. I just look at the floor as I drink. It's hot, but not too hot, and sweet. I hesitate, and then just close my eyes and say it. I've done this since I was little. When you have to say something but you're scared to, just close your eyes and get it out. You can face whatever happens from your words when you open your eyes. "I'll tell you everything."

I open my eyes but don't look at him. I notice my boots on the floor and just look at them for a minute.

"Rusty, you don't have to. I just need to know enough to keep you safe."

"It's not your job to keep me safe," I say softly. "And I want to tell you. I haven't told anyone.

"I want to help keep you safe," He says and I risk looking up at him and sigh in relief when I don't see any anger or annoyance there. I didn't think there would be, but I don't trust my own judgment now.

"I don't know where to start, really." I set my mug down and turn my body on the sofa to face him completely. He does the same and reaches out to hold my hands in his. They're warm.

"Just start from the beginning."

Giving away your deepest secrets is like staring straight into the sun. It's like being blinded by something that strong, but once you start talking, it's so hard to stop. I don't know what Blue is thinking while I talk. I don't know what he is going to do when I'm done. I don't know how everything is going to change after he hears the truth.

But I know it will change. And that scares the shit out of me.

I want things to stay the way they were before he found out. Before he found the newspaper article about a girl who killed her family and was wanted by the police. I want more than anything to go back to all of that circling we did around each other. It was like a dance, so close but never quite there. Turning and twisting and eye contact. An art to the movement, steps to the music. Sweeping and breathing. Alive.

But I start from the beginning like he asked. And I tell him everything.

I start with the day of the robbery. I talk about my family. My voice shakes.

I talk about the money, and I'm crying by the time I get to the part about hiding in the woods. He doesn't stop me. He just keeps letting me talk until I'm crying so hard I can't. Then I talk about Caesar, and how he told me to find the photo. I talk about the police interrogation, the concussion, the one-way glass.

I stop. I know what's coming next. I know it's the part where I died. The part where I drowned.

"Then on our drive back, he... He was on the road. And he had this smile. This evil smirk. Like he was enjoying himself. Like he was laughing. And my mom was driving, so when she swerved, our car just," I don't finish the sentence, but I had been talking with my hands. I finished with my hands, showing the car roll over the side, just like it happened in real life.

I stop. I can't keep going. "Can I come back to this?" I ask quietly, my voice sounding like I'm choking. He nods and scoots over on the couch, pulling me into a hug, just how I woke up. It's easier now that I don't have to look at his face... to see his reactions to everything I say.

I talk about Charlie, and how she was the one who stopped us at the fair. She was the one who called the cops on me after everything, after the day I was leaving my house. I pull back when I start to tell him about what came next. About Caesar, his story and who he wanted me to find, the threat that he gave me. The store clerk and the gun I pointed at Caesar. About everything that happened after I ran away.

He takes a few minutes to let it sink in.

"Why did you have to leave, though?" he asks me, choosing his words carefully.

"They... the police. They blame me for what happened in the car crash. When we were on our way from the police station, and the car went off the bridge," I say this with my eyes closed. He holds me tighter. "Everything was dark... and cold. It was so cold. And I got my brother out of the car through my window. But my parents..."

"It's okay, Rusty. You don't have to. I get it now."

But now I can't stop talking. "They drowned. And I tried to save him, Blue. I did. I tried so hard. But I didn't know which way was up, and I couldn't feel anything through the cold, and his body went limp. Then there were spots everywhere, and someone grabbed me from the surface, but his body just... floated away from me," I'm hysterical by now, remembering it like it was yesterday, not months ago. "I tried to save him. I tried. But he died anyway..."

"what do you mean he died?" he asks.

"Blue... he drowned. I just said--"

Blue sits up, looking down at me. I move back from him too, but don't look at him in the eyes. "Rusty," he says. "Your brother's not dead."