Holding My Breath [Wattys 2016]

4 7 ~ R u s t y

                 

Present Day ~ July 10, 2011

"Get in," I hear Blue's soft voice in my ear before he circles around to the driver's seat of his truck. I grab the handle, falling into the door before managing to get it open. I bring my hand to cover my mouth.

God, he can't see me like this.

I shut the door behind me, crawling down into the floorboard. I look up at the window, hoping I'm low enough so no one will see me.

Blue gets inside but doesn't start the car. I don't look at him. I can't. I just can't. Everything I fear is catching up to me and curling into a ball is the best thing I can come up with to do right now.

"Rusty, are you okay?" He asks me, but I don't have to look at him to hear the quiver in his voice. He acted on instinct and now he doesn't even know what he's gotten himself into.

I don't even hear his question before I start rambling.

"I'm so sorry, Blue. God, I'm so sorry. You weren't supposed to... I didn't even... But she..." I'm crying so hard I can barely talk. I just can't stop thinking that he's out there. That he knows where we are. He always knows...

"Are you going to tell me what just happened?" His voice raises a little. He starts the truck and pulls out of the parking lot. We stay silent for most of the ride, and he keeps looking in the mirrors.

"Just hold on for a few minutes more, okay? We are almost home."

Home? I don't even know what that is anymore. I just rest my head on my knees, trying to calm down. It's not working.

I feel like I'm sitting there for a million years before I hear the rumble of the engine cut off and no longer feel the vibration beneath me.

"Rusty, please come up here. You're scaring me." I hear the quiver in his voice and that's what cuts deeper than I can even imagine.

God, I've ruined everything. I can't drag him into this. I can't ruin his life, too.

"Are the doors locked?" I ask and Blue nods. I slowly make myself sit up in the seat, glancing at the dark windows. "Where are we?"

"My house. You're fine now, okay?" Concern. That's what I see on his face. He's worried about me.

He shouldn't be. I don't deserve it.

"I'm sorry," I mumble, backing as far away from him as the inside of the truck allows.

"Who was that girl? Why were the cops coming after you?" Blue whispers.

"She--Um, just--" My fingers find the door handle.

"Rusty, wait." He pleads, stopping me with a hand on my arm. I look up at him for just a moment, and our eyes lock.

"I can't explain it, okay? I'm-- I'm bad. I did something bad and you should just... Stay away from me. I'm sorry, Blue." I try to unlock my door but it's stuck. I yank on the handle helplessly, then harder. I'm suffocating or something.

I can't stay here any longer.

"I'm so sorry I let it go this far, but I'm just going to go. I'm just..." I don't finish. It takes me a couple seconds of hitting the door with my shoulder before it opens. I jump out and slam it behind me.

I glance back to see him getting out as well, but I'm already too far for him to catch up to me, now. I hear him call my name.

It's better for him if I leave. It's better for all of them.

I don't know what I'm going to do next, but Ican't stay here.