Help our souls // bws

Stay

Brad's pov

My eyes were shutting. I just couldn't stay focus on what the teacher was saying. I barely slept since Saturday. I can't stop thinking about her. It's impossible. She's in my mind 24/7, literally. She is just so unique. She takes my breath away every time we're together. I love everything in her, everything and I let her go. I fucked up so much. I knew she was hurt, I knew she didn't move on her sister's death, I knew it, but I had never thought she had done this. I had never thought about the fact that she had gone that far, that she ever felt the need to hurt herself. I was so dumb. Luisa pushed her into doing something she didn't want to do and I didn't know anything. After she showed us her stomach, I understood why every time I tried to put my hands under her shirt she stopped me. I should have known, I should have guessed. Instead, I just stared at her like if she was some kind of stranger. She probably thought I was thinking she was a monster, but I didn't. I just didn't know what to do, what to say. For the first time ever since I've known her, I didn't know what to tell her. When I saw her scars, my brain stopped working, my heart broke a bit. I saw the destress in her eyes when she looked at me, she needed me to say something, she just needed to hear me say that it's not that bad or something, i don't know, she just needed to hear she wasn't a freak. But I didn't say anything and now I regret it. I have thought about it ever since it's happened. I need to speak to her. Now.

As she didn't show up after lunch, I decided to go to her house after school. She surely was feeling so down, I needed to see her, I didn't want her to be sad, especially when it's my fault. I was getting so nervous. What if she doesn't want to see me ? What if she wants to break up ? It can't happen, it just can't. I knocked at her front door and waited for a bit but she didn't open. Wasn't she home ? Where could she be ? I knocked again, louder, hoping she will show up. She didn't. "Dammit !" I looked up and had the worse idea ever. I picked up some stones on the ground and tried to throw them to her window. Fail, fail, fail, fail, succeed. Please, come to your window. Come on, come on. I threw another one which reach to window, unfortunately, it also it a hand. Her hand. She opened the window just when I threw it.

"Brad ? What are you doing ?"

"You didn't hear me knocking ! Can I come in ?" She shrugged and closed her window. She wasn't as usual. I went back to the front door and pushed the door, which was already opened. I headed straight to her room. I opened her door and she was sat on her desk chair, her arms crossed on her chest, facing me. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked really tired.

"Why are you are ?" She said. There were no expressions on her face and right now, I couldn't read in her.

"Um, I wanted to talk to you, about Saturday."

"There's nothing to say."

"Clary, don't do this. Don't withdraw into yourself, please." She locked her eyes with mine and I felt like she was about to crack. I came closer to her. "You are not a monster." Her eyes widened. "I should have said something back there. I have no excuses. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. You couldn't say anything, no one could. I get it, it's alright."

"No it's not! You were hurt and it was my job to make you feel better. Why won't you just take my apologies ? Why are you so calm? Shouldn't you be mad at me?"

"Brad, seriously, stop. You don't have to apology for something you didn't do. I know there was nothing to say, it's okay that you stayed silent. I'm not mad at you, are you really asking this ? Why would I be ? Nothing's your fault, it's all mine. Stop saying sorry when I'm the one who should be." Her head was down and she didn't seem to want to look at me. She looked so tired, it made my heart break a little. I hated seeing her like this, I just wanted to put a smile on her face, I wanted her to run her fingers through my hair, I wanted her to kiss me. I wanted her to be happy. Couldn't I do that ?