Help our souls // bws

The collapse

Brad's pov

I staggered outside the house and almost reached the neighbour's front yard before my knees buckled under my weight. My back rested their fence and my head heavily hit it. Sat in the middle of the pavement, my elbows on my knees, I looked up at the blue sky full of clouds. Fast, they ran through the air. I probably ought to be doing the same thing. Running away, as far as possible and never come back. I did it so many times, cowardly leaving some other girls, never calling them back after they tired me. She wasn't like them, that was where the problem stood. I never could get away without having Culpability chasing me through the town's street, hunting me even in my house. I cursed and shut my eyes. I never should have fallen for her. Having some adventures with a few girls would've been much more easier. She shook up my world and now I found myself wandering into what seemed to be love, scattering myself. If only I knew where we were heading, I would've run off sooner, before it got serious, before I brought back her sister in her mind, before she began having mental breakdowns, before a part of her went mad. But I didn't and now I was deeply dug in her shits. I snapped out of my reverie when I heard footsteps. I didn't bother opening my eyes, probably just a passer-by. I was wrong. The familiar perfume floated in the air and I felt a presence sat beside me. My courage ran off me, saying its farewell. My eyes remained shut for a long time. I didn't say anything, nor did she. My heart fluttered, much to my surprise. I wished in the depths of my soul that the feeling would vanish soon. She sighed, loudly.

"How did we let this happen to us ?" I opened my eyes and turned my head to see her face. Her eyes closed, a bright flush colored her cheeks. I looked down. Her delicate and thin hands, as always in these situation, played with the tip of her sleeves. They were unsteady. Her legs were sprawled on the ground. She, unusually, wore a dress, a pale pink dress, under a black short jumper. At this moment, I wish she didn't wear those black tights that covered her white skin. The button in my head slowly began to turn from off to on. I knew that if I closed my eyes, I'd see myself going all the way up her legs. I swallowed hard and dug my nails into the palm of my hand to focus on something else. I lifted my head back on hers but the sight of her delicate features, the line of her jaw where her minuscule birthmark could be seen, only a bit whiter than the rest of her face, her perfect-shaped lips tainted in a darker pink, everything reminded me of how attracted I could be by her, how bound I was to her.

I said, wishing I had a better answer, "I don't know."

After another long silence, she talked, "It won't justify my words, but I never wanted to say these things to you. The voice in my head wouldn't shut down, repeating this sentence in my mind. I'm sorry, I've never wanted you to leave. I wished they never crossed my mouth."

"But they did." My voice was low and calm. I didn't need apologises. What she said wouldn't have changed a thing, or maybe it would just have retarded the fated day. Truly, I was angry at her because she let her everything that was going on in her head go too far. She let it destroyed her slowly but surely, assuring our relation to start shattering at some point. I was mad at me for not doing anything sooner. I should've pushed her, I should've insisted, but I didn't. I rather acted like the blind boyfriend. I doubted she realized it before today, but I did and until now, I devoted myself, my body, my mind, to deny it, deny that our relationship was being, inch by inch, torn apart like a plaster that was slowly ripped out off the skin. The fault was on both of us. We hadn't done enough to preserve what we built. The bitter pill was hard to swallow and I imagined what it would be like if today didn't happen, if I never decided to stop playing this sick little game. A song came to my mind immediately, pieces by pieces. -Only black days and sky grey and clouds full of fear and storms full of sorrow that won't disappear- ; -Just a beachfront of bad blood and a coast that's unclear- ; -Only heartache and heartbreak and gin made of tears- ; there's no you and me. I couldn't let this happen. Could I ?