Help our souls // bws

It's a promise

"Since we have to work on your self-esteem problem, I'd like you to write, in red, one thing you like about your body and in blue, one thing you like about you personality, about yourself in general." That's what the therapist asked me last time. I stayed the five last minutes of our session just staring at the blank paper and the pens in my hands. I didn't know what to write. I had no idea of what to write. "Alright. I'll let you one week to think about it, okay ? I'll see you next Wednesday, Clary. Don't forget to do it, write down a thing you like about yourself." That was five days ago. We were now Monday, and I was standing in front of my mirror, looking at my reflection, asking me the same question I'd been asking for days. What did I like about myself ? I was standing in my underwear and honestly, I found myself disgusting. I was too fat. I didn't like anything about my body. Don't even try to find a thigh gap, you'll never find it. All you'll admire is white stretch marks I'd had for ages. I looked up and I grimaced at the sight of my thigh. It was big and my eyes were continuously drifting to my scars. I turned my head away when I felt my eyes burning. I didn't have to look any more parts of my body. I already knew them. My breast wasn't pretty, I didn't like it, my butt was too fat and made me look like I was always walking as if I was wiggling my bum, though I was not. My face ? My face uh... My face made me look like a ten years old girl. My cheeks were huge, I was pale, more than pale, if it existed, my lips were always cracking and dry and I had spots on the side of my nose.

I sighed loudly and decided I just couldn't find something I liked about it. I put my clothes on, black jeans and huge jumper, lazy day. I didn't care about being pretty at school. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I said goodbye to my dad and headed towards the school, walking along the beat of the song which was playing. Therapy by All Time Low. I know, I know, not the best song to put yourself in a good mood but I didn't want to be, I didn't have the energy to force myself to smile, laugh, I just wanted to be alone, in my bed, away from all of this. Because yeah, I didn't care about what people said about my look, but I knew deep down, it hurt me. I was not fooling myself. One day, I'd just explode. As I got closer from the school, an unpleasant sensation came back in my stomach. Stress. I didn't want to face everyone again. I didn't want them to look at me, I didn't want them to stared at me, I just wanted to be invisible. I was probably paranoiac, I knew it, but I couldn't help but feeling nervous. I didn't want to see Thomas and his weird looks. I didn't want to see my teachers, telling me I could have better grades, because I couldn't. But mostly, I didn't want to see Chloe. I didn't know how to act with her. Was she going to be alright or totally destroyed ? Was she going to talk to me or ignore me ? I didn't want to talk to her. I had nothing to tell her. I did what I had to do on that night, no one would've let someone who just got raped alone, no one would've said "go away" just because of the bitterness of being dumped. At least I'd rather think no one would. I was still angry at her and not ready to forgive her.

I took the first step into my school and breathed loudly. Welcome in hell. I walked straight to my classroom and waited beside the door my teacher. When she finally showed up, I walked in and sat in the back of the class, alone. I was feeling more and more nervous and my heart contracted when she came in. She looked perfectly fine. She was exactly the same that she was two weeks ago. How ? How could she smile after what happened ? She glared at me and sat next to her so-called friends. Wow, really ? I shook my head. What was I thinking ? She would never say thanks, or anything.

My world suddenly stopped when the curly haired boy appeared, his curls bouncing on his head. My hearts warmed and my facial features relaxed. I hadn't seen him in four days and I was missing him, every parts of my body missed him. He looked even more gorgeous today and I couldn't tell why. Maybe it was because he looked extremely happy. His lips were opened, letting the world admire his perfect white little teeth. He told me once that he used to have braces and I burst out laughing when he showed me a photo of him with them. I smiled to myself at the thought I just had and his hazel eyes met mines. He waved off his friends, including Thomas, who was still looking at me in a mysterious way, the kind of way that hide their thoughts, and started walking towards me. It was crazy how a smile could appear on my face just by seeing him. Though it disappeared when Chloe's fingers wrapped around his hand. His hand, yeah. Not his arm, not his wrist, his damn hand. This vision of horror made me want to jump off my seat. I didn't want this slag to touch him, especially when she was definitely crushing on him when he first moved here and when she was prettier than me if I listen to the other guys. Anyway, I just didn't want her to be near him. I knew I was overreacting, but I didn't like this at all. She pulled, with the little strength she had, Brad towards her, or should I say towards the empty seat next to her. I saw him furrow his eyes and almost loose his balance before crashing down on the seat. His bag hit the floor and he started massing his neck, probably because she hurt him or something. She then moved closer to him, honestly, she'd fall from her seat if she moves an inch closer. Brad automatically pushed her away so he could at least have space to breathe. He then unwrapped her fingers, which were still around his hand and she pouted. What did she think ? That he would take her here and suddenly realise that he loves her or ? Ugh. He was about to stand up when the teacher started speaking, since we were all here. Shit, he'll have to stay beside her for the next hour. I was fuming. The sight of them two made me want to jump on Chloe and tell her to find another guy who is not taken, to take Brad's hand and run away with him from her as far as possible. I didn't want them together. I was so angry, at both of them. Why be angry at Bradley though ? I didn't know, I just was. I played nervously with my bracelet for the rest of the hour, looking at the clock every minutes, wishing the clock would indicate the end of the class faster. Why was he even smiling at her ? Didn't he know how much what she did pain me ? I felt sort of betrayed. He knew it and he was still talking to her. I felt my eyes burn for the second time today, which was already too many, and I clenched my jaw, trying not to burst into tears. God, why am I edgy ? Maybe because I hadn't slept really well lately. When tired, I always was uptight. Plus, right now, I felt like my emotions were multiplied. I was clearly overreacting and I knew it but I couldn't find anything to calm myself. I felt like I was an alien, like I didn't belong here. Everyone around was either listening to the teacher, or talking, laughing, just being happy. I felt like a stranger in there. Why wasn't I able to be like them ? I swallowed hard and my head started to spin. That was no good. "Miss, I'm not feeling great, may I go to the infirmary please ?"