Help our souls // bws

Lost in reality

Saturday, December 25th

A warm light was striking my skin and woke me up. I opened an eye and remembered I hadn't closed the curtains last night. Today was one of those days when you wake up feeling great, one of those days when you want to smile all day. Today, I was going to be happy. I needed it, I needed to smile, I needed to live my life, for me, for her. I took my phone and put my music on shuffle. Move like jagger by Maroon 5. Exactly what I needed. I stayed in my bed the time of the song and when it ended, I got out of my bed and went downstairs. "I love when you make pancakes !" I said and my dad turned around to see me. He smiled.

"You look happy today sweetie."

"I am. Thank you again for the gifts, they're awesome !" We opened our presents yesterday night, after midnight. I got a Polaroid and some clothes. I was literally screaming when I saw the Polaroid, I wanted one for ages. I took my first photo with them and and hung it up on my wall. He put a plate of pancakes in front of me.

"Can you call your mum please ? I think she's in the living room."

"Sure. Mum ! Breakfast !" I shouted and my dad gave me an angry look. He knew I was going to do this, I knew he knew, so I just stuck my tongue out and started eating. My mum walked in a minute later and kissed my father before sitting next to me with him. I liked this. It felt great to be with them, with my family. I wish she was there though. But I couldn't think about that right now, I didn't want to be sad again. "So..." I started, still having pancakes in my mouth. "What are you doing for the new year again ?"

"We told you already, we're going to this little party with our close friends" My mum said.

"Right, I forgot, again. Sorry"

"What about you ? Don't you have a party or something ?" I sighed.

"Nope, dad, I don't, and you know I don't like parties." Especially after what happened last time. I said to myself. Guess I'll spend the new year alone this time, as Spencer wasn't here. I missed the years when Ash and I spent our new year night watching film and eating pizzas, popcorn, all kind of nasty stuff. Never mind, I'll do the same this year but alone, it's not a big deal. I took my phone and texted Bradley. "Hey, I hope you had a good Christmas. I was wondering if maybe we could go out ? I know your family's here though so it's okay if you can't."

I'd spent the morning watching the tv, waiting for his answer, that never came. I decided to take a shower and go out alone, I wanted to breath some fresh air. I quickly dressed up and went out. Ok, maybe going out with just an hoodie wasn't a good idea. Somehow, I took Bradley's gift with me, just in case he answered. I started walking without direction, just enjoying being out. I checked my phone. 3pm. I kept walking for a while when I finally figured out that maybe I did had a direction. I was at the cemetery. Well, now that I was here, let's say hi. I walked to her grave and stood there, without talking. That would be stupid to talk. I knew she was not here. You're right, she won't be anymore, because of you. I looked around me but no one was here. I'm not around. "You're here again ?" Of course I am, I'm in you. I'd thought about this voice for quite a while after what happened last week, and as nobody was there in the kitchen, I figured out it actually was in my head. "You're not real, that's stupid, you can't hurt me, you're not real so I won't be afraid of you." I was trying hard to not be scared, but it was hard to do so when some voice speaks in your head. Was I turning crazy ? Of course you are, you hear voices. The voice laughed. "Oh shut up now, leave me alone, I'm not scared of you." Oh really ? Why are you shaking then ? I looked at my hands and I was shaking. Shit. I clenched my fists but I was still shaking. "Can't you leave me, at least today ? Fuck, you're ruining my day" Just after I said that, my phone vibrated. Bradley was calling me. I pressed the green button with my shaking hand.