Help our souls // bws

No one's here

listen to the song whilst reading x

I went to school on Monday. He wasn't here. On Tuesday, still not here. On Wednesday, I sent him a text, but he didn't answer with more than "I am busy." Nothing else. On Thursday, I sent him another, and another, and another. But still no sign of him. So I just gave up. The smile he put on my face had disappeared for days. He wasn't here, he just didn't care about me. I was on my own now. At school, like usual, but also outside the school. Spencer wasn't really texting me, I guess she preferred spending time with James. Because yeah, she saw him in the last days. James found the time for her. But Bradley didn't. It hurt first, but now, I just felt empty. My heart felt empty. My parents were working and I, was spending all my time in my room, listening to music. Again and again. I couldn't find an interest in anything. Everything looked boring to my eyes. The only thing my wet and bloodshot eyes only wanted to clap on was nowhere to be found. He didn't want to be found. He was out of my reach. I could have waited for him, called him, screamed his name, he wouldn't have heard me. He was in my dreams now. He was standing there, looking at me, his hands shoved in his jeans' pockets, his eyes piercing me. He didn't show any emotions. He was just there, looking at me trying to reach him, screaming, running towards him though the distance between us was always the same. I ran again and again, until exhaustion. That caused me a real exhaustion. I couldn't sleep at night, so I was sleeping at school. As it was almost the winter break, the teachers couldn't care less about it and I wasn't bothering them while their lesson so they just let me there, sleeping. I looked like a big mess, and I didn't care, for once. Bradley surely contributed to make me feel this way, but I was not so down only because of him. I thought about Gabriela lately, too much. The songs I listened to always brought me back to her. The people in the streets, the photos at home, the perfume of a passer-by, a word of a teacher, there was always something bringing me back to her, an object, a word, a smell. I was rotten. I might've looked fine outside, but I was not, not always. I was being eaten up with remorse once again. There were moments in my life like that. Things resurfaced and drown me. My mind was like a deadly disease. I realized that I had no purpose. I was supposed to live my life for her, because she would never know how was life after 16, but could I ? I realized how dumb I was. There was no heaven. When you're dead, you're dead. There was nothing after life. People who dies just left other people behind. They left them empty, just like she left me empty. She left with my heart. She took a part of me that I would never get back. She will never give it back to me. Just because I will never see her again. Never. I'd die, one day, and that was all. My life would end up, and I wouldn't join her anywhere, just because there was nowhere to go, except the cemetery. Her soul wasn't here somewhere, looking after me. Her soul didn't exist anymore. She had left, she had stopped living, she had been destroyed. I destroyed her soul, her mind, her body, her. I took all of this away from people who loved her, I took away her smile, her talents, her happiness, her love of life, her gentleness, I took her away from people. I saw their gaze at her funerals, and I will never forget them. I heard them whispering my name, wondering why she died and not me. I still see the tears pouring, I still hear their sobs, I still feel their pain. I still remember the pain I injected in their eyes, in their voices, in their life. I remember me running away from all the troubles I'd caused. I remember me running away from the funerals, running to her room and crying for days on what was once her bed. I wasn't strong enough to face them. I made so many people sad. I remember how hard it was to go out again, to cross a street, the fear it provoked in me. I had put myself aside so I was sure I wouldn't hurt new people. I didn't want to cause more pain to anybody. But I remember my parents being devastated. I still hear them crying every nights that followed her death. I still see the emptiness inside them. I remember the years passing, our family trying to rebuild something, whatever it was, just rebuild ourselves, trying to get through this hell. And we eventually did. My parents became stronger for me, they started living again for me, they said they couldn't give up because I was still there, I was still their most precious thing on earth. They started over. Somehow I did too, but there were some periods when I relapsed into this interminable disease. And when I do, it's not pretty. All of my demons come out again. They devour me entirely, they eat me to the core, until there's nothing left. They beg me to survive so they can savour me a bit longer. In this case, I need a light to help me, I need a light to force me out of this, I need a light to take me home. My light was Ash, when she was still living in Birmingham. She used to try so hard, every damn time, to get me out of my sort of depression, to get me out of these poisonous thoughts. And she always succeeded, eventually. She never complained about it. She understood. She never said I needed to move on. She knew I did, but she knew sometimes I just couldn't bear these memories. But now that she was gone, and now that I was broken, who would fix me up now ?

Friday. He was here. He was back. As if nothing had happened. And nothing had happened to him. He just skipped school to play music, that was everything for him, that was what he wanted to do and he didn't care about what he had to give up to realize his dream, did he ? The longer I looked at him, the more I realized that the emptiness turned into anger. I was mad at him. I was mad that he didn't text me back, that he left me like if I was nothing to him, after being like he has been with me. I was mad at him because he made me feel so happy, his words, his hands on my skin, his lips on mine, every piece of him drove me crazy. I was so mad at him for telling me lies, for leaving me here, waiting for him to say just a word. He knew he just had to say one word and I was here. He knew he had me under his thumb, he knew he made me dependent of the feeling he created in me. I was mad at him because I was falling too hard for him.

"Clary !" I heard his voice for the first time in days. I was almost running trying to escape him, trying to blend in with the crowd of students, but they were slowly disappearing, walking into their classrooms. "Fuck, Clary, stop !" I stopped and turned on my heel to face him. The anger was making my head boiling.

"Oh, so I have the honor of having Mr. Simpson talking to me ? How kind of you."

"What the hell ?"

"I thought I was not good enough to be texted back." I said, harshly. I saw his face split up.

"Clary, I can explain..."

"There's nothing to explain ! You were too busy, were,'t you ? But that's okay, I understand, music before anything else."

"Yeah, you're right !"

"Didn't you get the sarcasm in my voice ?"

"Oh I got it, don't worry, I got it, you're pissed off. But like you said, music before anything else, that's how it works for me now, I can't allow myself to have some distractions !" Oh wow. Take that.

"Am I only a fucking distraction ?" I yelled. No one was in the hallways anymore. I laughed, nervously. "You know what Bradley ? You can go fuck yourself !" I saw on his face that he realized what he said was wrong.

"I didn't mean it that way !" He yelled back.

"Oh yes, yes you did ! I was just a fucking distraction, I was just here because you were bored and you wanted to play with a stupid girl. Oh my god, I was so dumb. Why did I think that you actually liked me ? That's probably the best joke ever !" He hit the locker next to him.

"Shut up, you don't know what you're saying..."

"Yes I do ! All your little attentions, all the things you said, your kisses, your touch on my skin, everything was false ! You don't know how mad I am right now..."

"You're right ! I don't know and I don't get it ! Why the fuck are you so mad ? It's not like I disappeared for months, you knew I was with the band, so tell me now why you're so mad for a little thing like that !"

"Because I like you Bradley, okay ? I like you a lot and it's eating me from the inside that you don't give a fuck about me ! I needed you, I wanted to be with you and you just didn't care ! Are you happy now ?!" I screamed at his face. He looked so chocked, his mouth was open but nothing was coming out. He didn't answer anything. "Yeah. That's what I thought." I was so disappointed, brokenhearted. I shoved him and walked away. He didn't hold me back, he didn't call my name, he didn't say that he liked me too. The tears were pouring from my eyes. A mixed of anger and sadness. I didn't want to cry anymore. I wouldn't cry anymore. I bit my lips until it bled, trying to stop myself from crying, and I just skipped the last day of this year school. I walked all the way home and lied down in what was my sister' room, looking at the ceiling, the feeling of emptiness reappearing again.

I feel like I need to say it, but if there's any religious people reading this, no offend, these words are the words of someone who doesn't believe in life etc.