Help our souls // bws

Trouble

I left him speechless. His eyes staring at me, his brain trying to figure out what I just said, he still was holding me, but did not move. I started grinning at his reaction. I fixed my gaze in his eyes. They were somehow shining, looking straight to my soul. Was he reading in me like he always does ? What was he seeing ? Hopefully, he was seeing all my feelings for him, all the love I needed to give him, all the happiness he was filling me up with every day, all the confidence he suddenly found in me and brought back. I wanted him just to see how much he changed my little boring and sad life. I'd never been so thankful to someone like I was to him. He was my true savior, he really was. "Did you just say it ? For real ?""Yes, Brad, I did." I whispered. His fingers gripped my back strongly and he pressed his lips against mine. My heart raced and I could feel his racing too under my hand. He was feeling just like me, he was shaking too, I could feel it even with his strong embrace."I love you too Clary. So much, you have no idea." He said between to kisses and kept on pressing his lips against mine for a while. "I've waited this for so long. I've waited you to said it for so long." My head was now resting on his shoulder and we were both trying to catch our breath back."Did you wait for me to say it first ? Man pride ?" I giggled. He was rubbing gently my back."It wasn't pride. I just didn't want to scare you, I didn't want to rush you or anything. I wanted you to figure out your feelings on your own, without the pressure of me waiting for an answer, you know what I mean ?" I nodded slowly. He knew I wouldn't have said it before because I wasn't sure of what love was, I wasn't sure if I was ready to give myself entirely in a relationship, I just didn't know anything about all of this. I wasn't used to it and I needed to understand my feelings by myself before saying it. Earlier, when Zack told me he loved me, I realized it. I realized what was liking someone and loving someone. I liked Zack, I liked him, but when he told me that, I know it wasn't right, it would never be. His feelings were too big compared to mine. I wasn't attract by him because of love. I was attracted by him because he was here, with me. I started liking him because he was saying those nice things to me like Brad said. Actually, I thought I liked him because he reminded me of Brad. As soon as I realized it, I knew this new feeling was love. I've known it for a while, but I needed to click. I probably wouldn't have been able to figure out if he was there, waiting for me to say these little three words back. "I've known it for a while. I mean, that I love you. I even told you once, when you were asleep." He said like it was normal, but it was a shock to me. When the hell did he do that ? Why was I asleep ? I was so dumb, I swear. I should have heard it. "Moreover, I guess I was a bit afraid that you won't love me like I do.""Why are you so afraid I won't love you ? Aren't boys pretty confident about stuff like that ?""Well, not me. Girls have always played with me, you're the first I trust and that makes me feel special but I'm still afraid deep down you could be playing with me. That's why I reacted like this when I saw the photo of you and him." His body tensed a little when he said his last words. I thought he seemed actually quite nervous about opening his heart to me, telling me his fears. I understood why he was afraid but I didn't know what to say. I didn't how to show him I wasn't playing with him, how I would never dare play with his feelings. I wasn't good at words, never been, so I hugged him as tight as I could, wrapping my little arms around his neck, standing on my tiptoes and whispered in his ear."I will never leave you. I promise. I will always be here." I then placed a couple of kisses on his neck and he held me tighter."Thank you." I ran my hands through his hair."No problem. Can I tell you one thing ?""Of course, what is it ?" I slightly moved away from him."Cut you hair ?" It wasn't supposed to be a question but it sounded like one. I smiled like a child asking for one more sweet."Why ? No, I want a man bun !" He pouted."Please ? You're better with your hair a bit shorter." I begged him but he kept on looking away, doing a fake sad face everyone does when they try to look offense. "Alright, I won't kiss you until you have cut your hair.""No, you can't do this !" He turned his look to me and his mouth formed an 'o'."I surely can." I said in a very serious tone and smirked. Honestly, his hair wasn't looking very good, so yeah, I was blackmailing him, no shame. He frowned for a moment and then sighed loudly."Ok, you won. I'll go cut them." He rolled his eyes. "I would miss your kisses too much." I smiled and stuck my tongue out. We heard a knock at my door and I moved away from him to open it."Hey guys, sorry to bother you but I think it's time for Bradley to come home." My mum said, smiling at us, trying not to sound like the annoying mother. I checked the time and saw that it was already half past ten. "I can drive you home, if you want.""Yeah, I'd like it since it's quite late, thanks, Mme Grey." He smiled."I'll wait for you downstairs. Clary, you stay here, I'm taking you somewhere tomorrow morning and I want you to have some sleep." I was confused now. Her eyes were shifty, which made me wonder what was going on even more. She was rarely like that, not to say never."Where are you taking me ?""You'll see." She quickly said and closed the door. Bradley and I exchanged looks and I shrugged. I guessed I'll see tomorrow. I hugged him and he kissed me one last time before he said goodbye and went downstairs. 


***"Mum... Where are we going ?" I complained. We were driving for about fifteen minutes already and she didn't speak to me, not once."We're almost here, just wait and you'll see." Her eyes were looking straight ahead and her knuckles were turning white because she was holding the wheel too hard. I sighed and looked by the window. We were in a part of the town I didn't know, there were old buildings, painted in black red. We eventually stopped in front of one of them. I sighed for the thousandth time and we both got out of the car. We walked in the building and my mum started going upstairs. Where the hell were we ? I followed her and she stopped at the second floor. She was standing in front of the door so I couldn't see it clearly for now but I noticed a golden sign on the door. Wait, were we at some kind of doctor or ? I frowned and she pushed the door. We walked in and immediately, I inhaled an incense perfume. I didn't like it very much, I'd never liked incense, to be honest. The entrance was huge, and felt sort of empty. On the right, there were a few black chairs and a lamp. That was all. Nothing on the white walls, no magazines or whatever. Nothing. And that was like that in the whole room. On the left, there was just a desk, with a lamp again, a phone, some papers and a pencil cup. The chair was empty, for now."Are we at some kind of doctor ? Mum ?" Just when she turned around, a small lady came from nowhere."Oh, hello. Are you Mme Grey ? And you must be Clary, right ?" She asked me but she obviously knew the answer already. My mum nodded. Confused was not enough to describe how I was feeling. "The doctor will receive you now. She wants you both for a few minutes, if you are fine with it ?" She nodded again and they started walking but I stood still. They both turned around."Clary ?" I was looking at my feet, trying to figure out everything. I felt like an idiot, like if I was missing something. Why were we at the doctor ? What kind of doctor was that ? "Clary, come here, please." My mum said, harshly."No..." I mumbled but she didn't hear me. "I'm not coming until I know what the hell is going on." I said louder, with the same tone she used a second earlier. I was looking at her straight in the eyes and there was nothing in them. Not a feeling, nothing."You are going to talk to a therapist. Now." My eyes watered a bit."You know I would've never agreed if you'd have asked me..." I whispered and she crossed her arms on her chest."Of course I know. I understand it, but you need to speak to someone who won't judge you in any way, so stop being childish and come." I looked down and walked to them, ashamed, betrayed. We entered a room where there were a desk again, two big sofas in front of it and two of the four walls were covered by bookcases. The lady, who probably was the psychologist, stood up from her chair and welcomed us. Her assistant went out and we sat on one of the sofas. "If I understood well, Clary, you didn't know you were coming. Am I right ?" I just nodded. I didn't want to talk to her, I didn't want to be here, so I just decided I wouldn't talk. I might be acting like a child, but I couldn't care less. "Okay. Then, Mme Grey, why didn't you tell her ?""She wouldn't have agreed to come. I know how she feels, she probably would have thought I was seeing her like some kind of poor thing that would shatter at any punch or some kind of freak. But that's not true. I want her to move on her sister's death. I just want her to forgive herself and to be happy.""I was perfectly fine until you brought me here." I snapped and a sad look appeared on her face. I know I shouldn't talk to her this way, but I was really pissed she didn't tell me about this."Alright. Can you leave us alone for the rest of the session ?" My mum nodded and I felt her eyes on me but I didn't want to see her face for the moment. She sighed and went out of the room. "So, is there anything particular you want to talk about today ?""No. I don't want to talk." I crossed my arms on my chest and stared at her right in the eyes, in order to make her understand I didn't want to come here and I will never come back. She was just there, sitting on her confortable chair, staring back at me, with no particular expression. About five minutes passed and I understood I had to talk because she definitely wasn't going to. "I bet I have to say something, right ?" I said angrily. She just shrugged. "Alright. Let's go then. Let's finish this. My mum told you. My sister died. It was seven years ago, approximately. She was taking me home from school but she was in a rush because she was going to her best friend's house. I was jealous that she spent more time there than with me, so I made a scene and that's when it happened. I crossed the road without being careful, she ran, pushed me away and a car hit her. It just happened. It shot her out in the air, she looked like flying. Literally. Then she hit the floor. That was all. That wasn't like in the movies, she didn't say it wasn't my fault, she didn't say she loved me, she didn't say anything. She simply died on the floor, the blood spreading on the floor from her head. She wasn't pretty. She had blood on her face, the collision dislocated her elbow and her ankle, it was disgusting. I'm surprised it didn't break her neck honestly. She was just lying on the floor, dead, and I was crying my heart out. I cried for days. I haven't even stayed to her funeral. When I saw them all there, crying my sister, the perfect girl, and giving me angry looks, I knew I couldn't stay. I knew I wasn't in my proper place. They all looked at me like if it was my fault, like if I killed her, like if I should be dead. They were right. That's what you want to know, right ? If I regret this, if I want to die. Well, I did. For a long time, I wanted to die, it should have been me. After a long time, I started 'living' again, but I still had, I still have breakdowns. Sometimes I just feel horrible and I start thinking about it and I become a mess. One day, you're going to like this, one day, I hurt myself. I did four little cut in the side of my stomach. I couldn't see me in the mirror, I hated myself. It was three years ago and I never did it again, but I will always have them as a reminder of how messed up I am." I laughed nervously. I just said that with an incredible coldness. I didn't cry, nothing. They were just facts. "Now, I have no self confidence. I hate my body, mostly because of them, but also because of these kids at school when I was young telling me I was ugly and fat. It left a mark on my soul." Back then, I wasn't even fat, but they were just finding this funny. They were just dumbass. "I don't know how you all are expecting me to forgive myself when I did something unforgivable. I killed her, and now, I will never be the same, I will never be truly happy. And I'm fine with, so why can't you just leave me alone ? Is that too much to ask ? I don't even want to forgive myself or be forgiven, I don't, okay ? I don't need you, if I want to talk about my sister, I can do it with someone else who won't ask for money in return." Maybe I've been a bit rude, okay, I've definitely been, but I didn't need her."Do you want my opinion ?""No, but I don't think I have the choice, do I ?""You do, but I'll give it to you anyway." Alright then. Let's hear her say stupid things about how she thinks she knows me better than anyone. "I think you have never been into mourning, you haven't got the chance to say goodbye to your sister since you didn't go fully to her funeral, and that's why you can't forgive yourself. It's not impossible to move on, you can still do it, but you need to want it. You have to want to forgive yourself for what you did. If you don't want to do it, then do it for someone else. About your body, we can work on this. Maybe not now, since you seem pretty pissed, but if you want to come back, we'll work on that. All you need to understand is that it's all up to you. If you don't want to go out of this vicious circle of happy periods and breakdowns, you won't. No one can do it for you, you can't just hope that some day you'll wake up and forget about it. That's not how it works. It's a long way and you need to be ready to take it. I won't force you to come back, it's all up to you." My eyes were burning a bit. I knew she was right about everything, but I just couldn't do it right now. I felt like the day I want to forgive myself, it would be the day I accept to let her go, to forget her."Whatever." I snapped and stood up. I couldn't stay here more. I needed to go home, I needed to be alone. I stormed out of the room. "Mum, we're going home." She simply stood up and followed me. I didn't want to talk to her that way, but that was her fault if I was here. I was perfectly fine with Bradley, I hadn't thought about Gabriela much these last weeks and she had to bring it back. I was perfectly fine. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I couldn't stop them.Gabriela, I miss you. I miss you so much. Why aren't you here with me ? Would you forgive me ? Would you forgive me for taking your life ? Would you still want me to be happy ? I don't want to forget you Gabriela. I really don't want to, but I want to be happy. I want to live, at least for a bit, whilst I'm with Bradley. He makes me want to be happy, but do I have the right ? Can I, after what I did to you ? I need a sign, an answer, something. I'm shattered, but do I have the right to fix these broken pieces ? Do I have the right to move on ?

Hello world! I hope you liked the chapter, I know it is quite boring, but i feel like you need to know that Clary has still troubles with herself, she might be more happy, it doesn't mean she's moved on. Tell me what you think ! xx