Help our souls // bws

Pain opens hearts

Are you going to cry today too ?  "No, no I'm not, why are you always coming back ?" Because I'm bored, it's not funny being stuck in your head, these two last days you haven't been sad or angry, it's not funny anymore ! "So you like when I'm sad or angry ?" Of course ! It's funny, I can come and say stuff that will put you down ! "Wow, how nice are you ? Well I think you put me down enough already, don't you think ? You've been talking for two days non-stop after Christmas, I think that's enough. You're not going to make me sadder with your words" I sighed. "Understood ?" Someone knocked at my door. "Yes ?"

"Clary ? Were you on the phone with someone ? I heard you speaking... Anyway, we're having lunch."

"No, I wasn't. You hear voices now ?" I laughed. "I'm coming." She closed the door and went downstairs. She was not hearing voices, but you definitely are, you shouldn't laugh of people when you're the one they should laugh at. "Oh shut up now, you're not scaring me anymore so just... Stay somewhere in my head where I won't hear you." Don't be rude with me Clary, after all, I'm just you. See you later! "It's finally gone?" I sighed and walked downstairs. I was really going crazy.

It'd been six days since I last saw Bradley, and it'd been six days that this voice in my head just spoke to me. I tried to ignore it, but it was impossible. The three days after the 25th, I stayed in my room, crying and feeling extremely sad. I couldn't believe Bradley hid that he knew my sister, I couldn't believe he lied to me like that, he basically used me. I felt betrayed, somehow. It hurt first, I was having trouble breathing sometimes. My heart hurt. And the night I went back home, the voice was here again, snapping mean things like "you are so dumb, you are so naive, everyone can use you, and he did use you ! Maybe he just wanted to have sex with you ? Probably. Anyway, he doesn't like you, he will never be in love with you, no one will ever be in love with you." And then it started speaking about my sister. "She was so much cooler than you ! She was pretty, all the boys were falling for her, she was sweet, she wasn't afraid of speaking, of telling what she thinks. And basics things like you should have died that night, you're useless, you're nothing in this world, no one cares about you, why are you still there ?" At first, I cried and cried for hours, not knowing how to stop the voice. I didn't know what to do, I was lost, sad, down.

Then three days ago I woke up and I had cried all the tears I could, so I just stopped listening to the voice, after all, it was quite right. I was useless here, but that was still not enough to make me want to die again. I felt empty again, and the voice disappeared. I knew now it just wanted me to feel down, to want to die, basically. But as I stopped feeling things, it couldn't annoy me. Plus, I started believing what it said, so as it said, that wasn't funny anymore. I'd stopped being afraid of the voice and accepted it, I accepted the fact that I had a voice in my head, that something was wrong with me. "When are you two going to this party ?" I asked my parents as I sat at the table, a plate of spaghetti in front of me.

"Around 6pm I think ?" My dad said and questioned mum with his eyes. She nodded. "Yeah, around 6. You're still staying here tonight ?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna, I don't know, watch a film, eat, just chill." I smiled. I'd become pretty good at hiding my emotions. Well, actually, I didn't feel nothing, but I could have just said this without smiling or anything, but I didn't want them to ask what's wrong, so yeah, I just faked smiles.

"You can come with us if you want."

"No thanks, I don't want to be surrounded by old people..." I teased and laughed. "Just kidding, have fun, I'm good on my own." We talked about nothing really interesting, they mostly talked about politics, and it didn't really interests me right now, so I just let them talk without a word. Once I finished, I put my stuff in the kitchen and went back in my room, took my computer and watched TV series, killing time. Around 5pm, I was getting hungry, so I went downstairs and put water in the kettle to make some tea and took some biscuits. "Mum, you want some tea ?" I asked her as she walked in the kitchen.