Help our souls // bws

Being part of something

Two weeks later (February 22th)

Almost three weeks passed since what happened at Connor's girlfriend's house, since I showed them the reason why I hated my body, since Bradley told me he would help me. He did, he still does. I felt way much better, I hadn't heard the voice or seen anything weird since then, so I guessed I was on the good way to like myself, to forgive myself. I also saw Tristan, James and Connor the week after the 'incident'. We ate together, with Bradley, and I told them about my sister. I told them everything, without bursting into tears. They let me talk, say everything I needed and they replied that they were sorry and that they were here if I needed them, anytime. They were pretty surprised, Tristan a bit less. He told me that he knew about it, that Bradley's told him. Connor was probably the one that had been really chocked. He gazed wide-eyed at me when I told them and after that, when the boys and I were talking about it, he stayed silent, looking down and playing nervously with his hands. When we were about to go, I took him apart to ask him what was wrong and when he finally looked at me in the eyes, I saw that his eyes were watered. He apologized a billion times, saying that he shouldn't have let Luisa go that far with me, he said that he was feeling really guilty about what happened. He was clearly affected by all of this. I just hugged him and told him it wasn't his fault, that he didn't matter anymore. Actually, it kind of helped me. When I told them about Gabriela, I felt like a weight was taken off my mind. I felt I didn't have to keep this secret for myself. When they all said they would help me going through this, even though it'd been years, I felt extremely happy. A tear poured down when they all hugged me, a tear of joy. I felt like I was a part of something, like if they had accepted me in their group. I felt like everything was okay and I still do. Since then, we spent time together, a lot. Most of the time, after school, we all went to James house, played some games, watched movies or played music. It did me good, being with people I liked and who liked me too. Just being with my friends.

I also became closer to Connor. I felt like he was trying his best to kind of make amends, though he didn't have to. The fact that he was being really nice and careful with me went straight to my heart. Usually, I would get angry because when you say to someone something sad, they take pity of you, and that was what happened with most of my parents' friends after her death. They took pity of us and I remembered being so angry at me, I didn't want this from them. But with Connor it was different, with the boys it was different. They were taking care of me like if I was their little sister or something like that, not like if I was a little delicate thing that could break anytime soon. I really liked this. Spencer was here sometimes too and honestly, I'd missed her. A lot. We spend a whole night talking about what was happening in our lives and it made me happy to spend some time with her again. She told me she was here for me, whenever. I already knew it, but being told once again was great. Everything was fine between James and her, school was going on well, she was happy and that was what really mattered. When I saw the boys, I also gave them their Christmas gifts, a bit late, but they said they loved them and it warmed my heart. I just loved them with all my heart and they had no idea of how much they had been helping me being happy lately.

Bradley and I were doing good, great, really. He was being sweet with me, as always. He hadn't said anything about me saying I was falling in love with him, he knew I would have been really embarrassed to talk about it, but he was being way more happy. When I told him, he was all smiley and couldn't stop smiling, making me laugh a lot. He was just being himself and I loved it. At school, Thomas wasn't bothering me anymore. Well, he wasn't really, but he just didn't ask anything even when he saw Bradley spending more time with me. Chloe stopped being such a bitch and just started to completely ignore me, not that I didn't like that, quite the opposite. I didn't mind being alone since I had Bradley.

There was one more thing that made me happy, but that was kind of my little secret. No one knew about it. Zack. He came to the shop every time I was working and we were getting along well. When I say he's like my secret, that was just because I hadn't sorted out this whole jealousy thing. I hadn't found a solution yet to this little problem and I didn't want Bradley to be mad or something because I was being friend with him. Usually, he was texting me if he was going to the shop after my work so I just had to ask Zack to stay somewhere far from the big window, ingeniously. Or I was just texting Bradley back saying that he could wait for me at the café not far from the shop or something. I didn't like that very much but it wasn't like I was doing anything really wrong. Zack knew I had a boyfriend and he had never tried anything with me so far. He knew I would have pushed him away anyway. But yeah, he was a very cool and he was a nice guy, simple, and I wanted to be friend with him. We became friends these past weeks actually. He told me he was sharing a flat with one of his friend, Archie, who was in his band. There was also another member but I think he said he was one year older and he was living with his girlfriend. They often played in a pub, in the center town. He suggested that I should come one day and I really wanted to see him sing so I said yes, without fixing a date. He kind of made me happy too, in a different way of the others. He didn't know about my sister, since he said his family was disapproving his choice of not going to the university and that they weren't in good terms, I didn't want to talk about family stuff with him. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Anyway, he was just a simple and easy-going person and that was what made me quite happy. I wasn't overthinking when he was around. Not that I overthought with Bradley or the other, but it was different.