Help our souls // bws

When paradise turns into hell

"Clary, can I see you a second before you leave please ?" I sighed and headed back to the teacher's desk, leaving Bradley on the doorway.

"Yes, miss ?"

"Is something wrong, in your life ? Your grades were on the rise, and they suddenly tumbled down... You were on the right track, what happened ?" I swallowed hard and took a quick look at Brad. He was on his phone so he didn't hear anything. We stopped, slowly, working and do our homework together. He was getting busier with the band and I didn't want to annoy him, so that was a reason why my grades were back to what they used to be before meeting him. The second reason was that I really wasn't in the mood to put effort into this. I'd thought non-stop about what the psychologist said, and I was putting all my strength to find another way to explain my "hallucinations", the voice in my head... Unsuccessfully. I looked down, ashamed. The worse was that I didn't care as much as I used to.

"Nothing's wrong madam, I guess I'm just tired and also not very smart..." As if I was ever going to speak to her about my problems. Don't misunderstand me, she was nice, but she was a teacher, if she found out that I had a, pretty bad, "mental disorder", or whatever it could be, she was going to tell the others, and they were going to do a whole drama.

"You are smart, I think you just don't realise it and-"

"If I was, I would have better grades. Excuse me, but I need to go to my next lesson. Have a good day." I quickly walked out of the room, Brad lifting his head up and followed me.

"Why did she say to you ?" He asked in a curious voice. I falsely smiled at him and intertwined our fingers.

"Nothing. Nothing important." He was going to feel guilty if I told him the truth, probably. Technically, I wasn't lying, I was just not telling him the details... He shrugged and squeezed my hand. This only gesture made me feel a bit better, it made me think that he was here for me. It somehow made me realise once again that my little "problems" could be solved just by being with him. Then maybe, maybe, I could get better grades too. Maybe.

"So, have you thought about the party ? Please, tell me you didn't forget."

"No, I didn't. But Brad, you know I don't like parties..." He sighed.

"I know Clary, but it's for Connor !" Indeed, it was. Connor's birthday was Saturday, in three little days, and the boys wanted to organize a party at James'. Since it'd be a birthday party, I guessed there would be a lot of people present, regarding to how many friends Connor had. He was kind of the extra friendly guy, so I bet he was friend with basically every person he met so far. I wished I could be like him, but I did not get a very sociable personality at birth, unfortunately. This first scaring me was being surrounded by that many people. It would make me feel confined. The second thing that I was afraid of was alcohol, because let's be honest, even if Connor was only turning seventeen, he already drank when he went to a party, so there would be plenty of it at his. I did know why alcohol scared me : if this Michael guy at the other party wasn't drunk and still tried to force me to kiss him, tried to rape me, what would it be like if a guy like him was drunk at this party ? I knew not every guy was like him, thanks God, but still, I was not naive, there were more than we think in this world. And finally, I just was feeling out of place. I didn't belong there, with the funny and cool people who enjoy partying, meeting people, dancing, drinking... "Come on, you got to go. He would be so disappointed if you don't." Disappointed, exactly. I'd disappoint people, if I didn't go. I'd disappoint Connor and I was pretty sure I'd end up disappointing Bradley too, everyone. I'd always had. This time I had an opportunity not to though, I should take it. I must take it. After all, going to that party wasn't that bad if it would make Connor happy, right ? I could do it, I could do it for him, only for him. Just to see him smiling and being happy I came even though he knew I didn't like parties. It was a good motivation, I guessed, and without thinking more about it, words slipped from my mouth.