Help our souls // bws

Feeling

I spent the last two days either in my bedroom or in the kitchen. I studied, like my parents ordered me to do, on the things we saw with Bradley, last time, because we were probably going to have a test on that and I didn't want to fail it. I needed to be incorrigible at school now, if I didn't want to be exclude. But no matter how hard I tried to get good grades and stuff, I always ended up with something disappointing. Clary's grades could be better, they said. I didn't think so, they were overestimating me. The only thing I was good at is French, and English a bit. Every time my teachers met my parents, I just couldn't look at them, I kept my head down while listening to them saying that there was really nothing to say, except that I was quiet, maybe too much, that I should participate more and that my grades were correct. I knew my parents wanted me to have better, good, grades, so I could have almost everything I wanted later, I knew that, but I was glad they didn't put pressure on me. Of course they always checked if I was working, but they weren't angry at me for not coming home with A's in every subject. These days had been boring though, not that I missed school, but at least it killed time.

Can I go out for a walk ? I texted my mum.

Yeah, but not too long.

I honestly needed some fresh air, and for the first time in a while, I thought I could run. I tried to run at least two times in a month, to be used to run, maybe to help me not having hard asthma. When I ran alone, with music and not too fast, it was okay. The thing with PE at school was that you couldn't have your music, which helped me a lot, and you had to run fast, too fast for me. Plus, when I was alone, I could stop whenever I wanted... I put a grey jogging, a black hoodie and my sneakers, took my phone with my earphones and my keys and went out. The cold wind hit my right in the face. I didn't realize it was that cold, but running was going to warm me a bit, hopefully. I started running through the street, the beats of the music giving rhythm to my steps, heading to the park I went to last time, where Bradley woke me from my nightmare. It was something like 20 minutes away from my home, when you walk. The first five minutes were awful, literally. My legs were hurting, but after these interminable minutes, it felt quite great. I cleared my mind, thinking of nothing in particular. I was just running, and sweating at the same time, but for once it wasn't that bad. Once I got to the park, I stopped for a minute, just the time to drink at the fountain, and ran back home. I knew that if I stopped for too much time, I'd be unable to run again. The way home was harder than I thought. I thought I wouldn't make it. Okay, maybe I overestimated my capacity to run. I was almost there when I saw someone who was sat in front of my house. I recognized his curls. When he saw me, he immediately stood up, scrubbing the back of his jeans.

"Hey." I stopped from running right in front of him and rested my hands of my knees, trying to catch my breathe. I raised a finger, to tell him to wait a second. "Did you just go jogging ?" I nodded. "Aren't you asthmatic ?"

"I am." He tried to put his hand on my arm but I stood back up and looked at him. He looked quite tired, somehow. He was wearing just an hoodie with a jogging, his hair was a mess and he had bags under his eyes. I wanted to ask him if he was okay, but I remembered I was a bit pissed at him. "So, why are you here ?" I put my hands on my waist.

"I-um, I thought you might want the stuff we did at school these last days." Did he just stuttered ? I hadn't thought he could be embarrassed to the point of stuttering. I looked at him a bit confused, staying silent. "Damn, no, I just wanted to see you. Well, I really thought you could want them but that's not the main reason."

"Why ?" I said coldly. I sounded quite distant, more distant that I wanted to sound. He looked surprised.

"I don't know, um, I thought we should talk about what happened at school."