Help our souls // bws

Free me

I'd been woken up by a voice and someone shaking me. "Clary, we're going." I opened an eye and my dad could see how confused I was. "Don't you remember ? Mum and I are going to a friend's wedding, in Leicester. We'll be back on Sunday, probably in the night." I nodded. I remembered now, they told me last month. Great. All I wanted was to be alone at the moment. 

"Have fun." I mumbled. 

"Be careful, I'll call you tomorrow." After they left, I slept until 4pm. I needed more, my mind needed a break, I needed a break from my thoughts, but my body just couldn't sleep anymore. I made my way to the kitchen. My whole body was hurting at each step I took, it was numb. And not only my body, but my brain too. I was numb. No feelings. No joy, no sadness, no anger, nothing. Just emptiness. I took some cereals and ate them, just sitting alone, staring into space.

Suddenly a thought came up. I needed to feel something. I wanted to feel something. Whatever it was, I needed it. I took a knife, put it in front of me and stared at it for a while. Did I have the balls to do it ? I finally took the knife in my hand and opened my other hand, my palm upwards. I was shaking, without knowing if it was from fear or the adrenaline running in my blood. I thrusted the point of knife in my skin. Until it hurt. And it did. Eventually I felt something. I felt pain when a drop of blood appeared. I removed the knife from my skin and suddenly, as it wasn't restrain by the knife anymore, the blood started pouring. It was a dark red. I stood up and held my hand above the sink, letting the blood flows out of the tiny injury I made. There was a lot of blood (for wound that tiny), but I knew there always was a lot when you cut yourself somewhere on the hand, without it being serious. The pain started to fade away, the blood wasn't flowing anymore. Once again, I wasn't feeling anything. It was probably the first time I was in that state of mind. Before, when I had breakdowns, I felt extremely sad. But today, it was different, and I had no idea why. Maybe that was because I'd grown up. Right. I was almost an adult now.

I turned my head and saw something I should have never seen in my actual mood. Alcohol. For the first time in my adolescence, I was attract by drinking alcohol. Maybe it would make me forget her. Maybe for a moment, I would forget her. I would find the happiness she took, just for a moment. I had no idea what was the alcohol, I just grabbed the bottle and drank. It tasted horrible the first time, a bit less the second time, and I just didn't care anymore after the third. After a few minutes, I was overwhelmed by a strange warmth. My cheeks were burning. My whole body started shaking, convulsing. I fell on my knees and suddenly I heard voices in my head. I covered my ears with my hands, in vain. Did you really think you could forget her ? "Who's here ?" I screamed, looking up, but there was no one. You're pathetic. The voice started to laugh. I must be dreaming. That was not possible, there was nobody here but me, the voice wasn't real. Oh dear, I'm well and truly real ! "Where are you then ?!" I'm right here, in your head. "W-what ? No, that's not possible." Yes it is, the proof is that you hear me, don't you ? Now let me tell you one things or two. You're the most pathetic person I've ever seen. Drink to forget ? Come on, everyone knows it doesn't work, it's bullshit. You can't forget her. You heard me ? You can't. You killed her, and you'll have to deal with it for the rest of your life. Understood ? You're a fucking killer. A killer never forget its victim. Never. The more you'll try to keep her out of your mind, the more her memory will haunt you, the more you'll remember everything that hurts you. You'll remember her face before the accident forever, you'll remember the pain you caused to so many people, you will remember it every day of your miserable life. "Stop it... please... stop..." I begged, swinging on myself, still covering my ear with my hands. Listen to me. You should have died that day. You should have been hit by the car. You should have ended up in a bloodbath. Your heart should have stopped that day. And you know it. Die. "Shut up !" I yelled.