i hate you, don't leave me

Chapter 3

I woke up the next morning in Demi's arms. It was still early, 4:10 to be exact, which meant that Dani and Allison weren't even getting ready for school yet.

I carefully untangled myself from Demi, and sat up slowly.

My mind was going bonkers. I felt sad for no reason whatsoever, and I had the strong urge to hit something.

"Sam?" I heard Demi whisper. She sat up and looked at me, her eyes full of concern.

"Yeah?" I responded. She turned to look at the clock and sighed, getting out of bed. I glanced at the clock again, 6:00. I zoned out for almost two hours and didn't even notice.

I looked back at Demi, who was yawning and running her fingers through her long, blonde hair.
She turned to me and smiled slightly, before I seen the flash of concern go through her eyes again.

She walked over to my side of the bed slowly at bent down to my level.

"Hey." She said.

"...Hi."

"Sam, honey," she began, "how long have you been up?"

I scratched the back of my back nervously.

"Uh, I don't know." I mumbled.

She raised an eyebrow, "Sure you don't."

"A few hours." I shrugged. She sighed and frowned.

"Do you always get up in the middle of the night like this?"

"Actually, it's morning." She rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean."

I shrugged again, "Yeah, I guess." She looked even more concerned than before.

"Well lay back down while I go and get Dani ready and make sure Allison's up, okay? I'll be back in little bit." I nodded and laid down like she said, watching while she left the room.

I immediately got back up once the door was shut. There were too many thoughts running through my head to sleep. I tugged at my hair slightly and chewed on my lip. I had the strongest urge to just go into Demi's bathroom and punch the wall, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Before I knew it my fingernails were clawing into my skin, right below my eye. I pulled back and saw blood underneath my fingernails, and jumped out of the bed. I ran to the closet and grabbed a towel and pressed down on the cuts, trying to stop the bleeding.

When they wouldn't stop I began to feel alarmed. What would Demi say?

No. I couldn't let her see. Jumping from my spot beside the closrt, I ran back to the bed and got under the covers completely. I could already feel myself sweating.

The door opened and my breathing picked up slightly. I felt Demi climb back into bed and was about to roll over before she began to shake me.

"Samantha, sweetheart." She called out.

"Hmmm.." I mumbled, pretending to just wake up.

"Come on, get up. I have to go and run some errands and I'm not leaving you here alone." She explained.

I raised up slightly, facing the other way so Demi couldn't see me. I listened as as sat back up and felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Sam, are you okay?"

"Um, yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Sam. Look at me." Demi demanded sternly.

"I c-can't." I whimpered.

"And why not?" She asked. I started to cry silently. I turned to look at Demi and she gasped loudly.

"Samantha!" She shouted, "Sweetheart, what did you do!?"

She looked absolutley mortified and ran over to me and took my face in her hands, tracing over the lines softly and wiping the tears from my eyes.

My eyes grew wide, "I don't know."

I buried my face into my hands and started to shake. Demi wrapped her arms around me tightly while I cried. We stayed that way for the next hour.

...

I woke up and yawned. I turned over, I was still in Demi's bed. But Demi wasn't there.

I raised out of bed and yawned again. Before making my way out of the room, I checked the clock. It was now 11.

As soon as I entered the living room Demi looked up from her laptop.

She smiled and patted the seat next to her. I looked torwards the floor and made my way over to sit down beside her. She looked at me, amused.

I blushed.

"Since when did you become so shy," she teased, giggling.

I shrugged and looked back up at her. I watched as her smile fell and her fingers came up to trace the marks under my eyes again.

"Sam, I've been thinking about the last few days that you've been here, and I think that it'd be best if you-"

"Went back to the home," I cut her off, finishing the sentence. Of course she wanted to send me back. Why wouldn't she?

"No?" She said looking at me confused, "I was going to say attended therapy. Why would you think I'd send you back?"

I shrugged, "Everyone else has."

She stared at me sympathetically, but remained silent.

"Soo..?" I began.

"Sooooo?"

"Yeah, I'm not going to therapy." I stated, standing up from the couch and walking back to my room.

A few seconds later Demi entered the room and looked at me.

"I think it'd be really helpful if you did, honey."

"No."

"Sam can you at least tr-"

"No." I repeated

"Well, you are." My head snapped up to look at her.

"No I'm not." I squeaked.

Demi sighed loudly, "Tomorrow I am making you an appointment. And that's final."

...

I fiddled with my fingers as I watched everyone else eat. I didn't want to eat, and I had made that clear before we sat down.

"Sam, eat," Demi called out. I dug my fingernails into my hand. She couldn't make me eat if I didn't want to.

"No."

"Yes."

I knew at this point everyone was staring at me.

"Samantha. Eat. Now," Demi said sternly.

I dashed out of my seat suddenly, startling everyone.

Before I could get asked any questions I sprinted back to my room and locked the door. Demi was there in a few seconds flat.

"SAM, OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW," she demanded. This made me extremely angry.

"FUCK OFF!" I shouted at her. She kept knocking.

"Sam-"

"GO AWAY."

"Samantha-" she snapped. I cut her off by screaming loudly.

Sam what are you doing? Stop screaming.

I can't.

...

I woke up the next morning to someone stroking my hair gently. I looked to my right and saw Demi, wide awake, watching me intently.

We continued to look at each other until my eyes fell down. Demi lifted my chin up before kissing me on the forehead.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

Yes it is.

"But I-"

"It's not your fault." She repeated

It's not your fault.

It was the first time anyone had ever said that to me, and the first time that I felt that someone understood that I didn't have any control over myself. Even though I knew that it wa, I couldn't stop repeating that one sentence in my head.

It is not your fault.