i hate you, don't leave me

Chapter 4

"Most people are just born with it. It can be an inherited illness." illness.

"Is..there any way we could get rid of it?" Demi asks.

"It can be treated with psychotherapy, or "talk" therapy. In some cases, we can recommend medications to treat specific symptoms. I should honestly get another doctor in here so we can discuss the best treatment plan for Samantha." treatment. The doctor walked out of the room without another word. I kept my eyes glued to the ground.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

That's what I had, and it's why I'd always behaved the way that I did. Because I was crazy.

I felt as Demi squeezed my hand tightly, "Sam." I ignored her as tears freely fell from my eyes.

"Sam, honey," Demi tried again. I shook my head.

"W-Why can't I just be normal," I said in a barely audible whisper. I heard Demi sigh as she bent down on her knees to look at me, since my head was down. She lifted up my chin and whispered back, "Because normal is boring." I smiled slightly at her and kept my head down. She sighed again and pulled me over to the little couch sitting in the room. I immediately curled up into her chest.

She rubbed my back and called for me to sit up.

"You know, when I was 18, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And then when I had Allison, I found out she was bipolar, too," I looked at her curiously and in shock. She continued,

"Nobody is "normal" sweetheart. We all have something different and unique about us. You're disorder doesn't define who you are as a person, and it won't make me, Allison, or Dani love you any less than we already do." I looked at Demi and smiled widely, before hugging her tightly.

"Thank you." I whispered in her ear. Before she could say anything back the doctors were back in the rooms. We both stood up as they silently talked to each other before turning to us.

"Has Sam had any extreme reactions to things, such as rage or panic?" Demi nodded her head as he wrote something down.

"Any inappropriate or impulsive behaviors." Demi nodded again.

"Any trouble with family in the past?" She nodded, once again.

"Any suicidal thoughts." Demi thought about it for a minute before turning to me.

"..Not that I know of..." Both doctors and Demi looked at me. My palms begam sweating, and my breathing beginning to speed up.

"No." I said quietly. The doctors turned to look at me while Demi had the curious gaze still on me.

"Miss Samantha, anything you say in here won't leave the room. You won't end up in some mental hospital if that's what you're thinking. It's actually common, believe it or not, for people with BPD to have those types of thoughts..."

"Yes." I whispered. They nodded and continued to write down on the clipboard. I looked down, not wanting to look at Demi.

"Alright," one of the doctors began. I looked up at them, "now seeing as you've already developed most of the symptoms the average amount of people with BPD usually get when they're adults, we've decided that you are to attend psychotherapy twice a week, and take the medication we've proscribed to you...and since you are still in school we will have to inform your teachers of your condition." condition. I took a deep breath. So, I'd basically be the freak in school that would be on some random meds and who goes to therapy. Cool.

Demi nodded and took the prescription papers.

"We would like to see Samantha again in a month to see if she's making progress." Demi nodded again as we started to walk towards the door.

"Sam.." the female doctor called out. I turned back to acknowledge her, "this isn't your fault."

...

"So is anything wrong?" Allison asked as we all sat at the dinner table.

Demi glanced to me and then back to Allison and hesitated, "It's Sam's place to tell you all, not mine." Allison and Dani both looked at me as I shifted my gaze uncomfortably. I felt as Demi squeezed my hand from underneath the table.

"Borderline Personality Disorder." I said quietly. Allison got got out of her seat and wrapped her arms around me.

"You can get through anything, Sam. We'll be here with you every step of the way, promise." I smiled at her and hugged back.

I then glanced at Dani who was sitting in her seat like a lost puppy. Sometimes I forget that she's only seven. I giggled quietly and returned to eating.

We all sat in silent for a while, just enjoying our food.

"So Sam, are you excited for school tomorrow?" My eyes widened and I dropped my fork.

"That's tomorrow!?" I exclaimed. Demi sighed.

"Yes. I told you that this morning, remember?"

"I was half asleep this morning, no I don't remember." Demi chuckled quietly and shook her head at me. I actually did remember when she told me that, and I think Demi already knew I was lying, I was just nervous.

And nauseous. And anxious. And full of fucking anxiety.

But nobody needed to know that.

I looked around and realized everyone else had already finished what they were eating, and stood up.

"Girls, homework done and bed. Now." Demi said to Allison and Dani, who were fighting over the remote in the living room. I cleaned my dishes and walked out of the kitchen, making my way to my bedroom.

"Sam." Demi called out. I made my way back towards the living room and stood in front of Demi.

"I need to talk to you for a sec." She stated. I sat down next to her and waited for her to continue.

She looked at me and hesitated before speaking, "I know today has been kind of rough..and I was wanting to wait a bit to ask you this but it'd be best if we had this talk now," I nodded for her to continue, "earlier...when the doctors asked if you've had suicidal thoughts.." Oh no. My breathing began to pick up "Sam, do you hurt yourself on purpose?"