Mine

Chapter Forty Four

"He always had a way to get in between us. Maybe you never realized it but I did. He didn't like how close we were. I'm pretty sure he's the reason we stopped being so close. He'd always make these snide remarks about me too. Like how art is for girls and why don't I try using my mind like Dirk. You could build freaking robots and all I could do was paint." I realize there's some jealousy in my voice. I hope Dirk ignores it.

"But then you moved out. And all I ever heard was how fucking fantastic Dirk was. You were such a grown up and even helping him out. Guess he meant with the bills. Anyway, I got fed up with that shit. Like I know you're perfect, but don't rub it in. He started hounding me about getting a job and what I was going to do with my life. Then he started bitching about how I never help out around the house or anything. It's just that all the little stuff adds up. I mean I never liked him anyway, but some of that shit hurt you know?" I feel my eyes drifting to the floor and I start picking at my nails. It's kind of embarrassing talking about this.

"Then to make everything worse I had some serious feelings for you. I couldn't tell if it was because its been drilled into my head by him that you were perfect, or if it was just my own feelings. Now I know it was my own feelings. I loved you for you, not because of what you could do. When you asked me to move in with you I was so ecstatic I told mom and dad. I wasn't even thinking of his reaction either. If anything I thought it would be happy because I'd be leaving home and maybe getting a better influence with you. But that wasn't the case." I've never been afraid of my father. He's just not a scary guy. Even when he yells it's more funny than scary. He's kind of like a wuss if I'm trying to be nice about it. Even when he yelled at me about Dirk's invitation to move in he wasn't scary. Annoying, but not scary. So I didn't mind yelling back at him.

"He told me it wasn't fair of me to accept that. That you were too nice for you're own good and that you would want to be rid of me as soon as you discovered how fucking annoying I could be. So I told him to fuck off and then we weren't exactly on good terms for a little bit. I mean he finally apologized eventually, but that really got me thinking, you know? I was wondering if maybe what he said was true." That, I'm super embarrassed to admit. I let him get to me with that.

"Then just recently when we were at the hospital he told me you don't deserve the shit I put you through, and he's right about that. But he also said him and mom don't deserve it either. I was in the hospital and hopped up on god knows what, of course I'm going to be a moody bitch. And honestly sometimes he did deserve the shit I put him though because he's always been an asshole. Like I get it he cares about me a little bit, but you're the golden child." I quickly wipe my arm over my face and hope Dirk doesn't think I was trying to wipe away tears. It's really hot in here, so maybe he'll mistake it for me wiping sweat away. Knowing Dirk though he'll probably notice the tears I'm blinking out of my eyes.

"I know he didn't mean everything to be the way it was. I know he didn't mean to upset me or make me feel less than you. I just always argued with him because that's who I am. You had respect for them and I guess I didn't. So obviously he respected you back and didn't think much of me. Maybe he thought that's how our relationship worked. We would bicker and you and him would have nice grown up talks about money and other grown up shit. It's like they never thought I could grow up. They constantly babied me. They at least let you grow up. Or maybe it was just more in your nature to be more grown up about shit. I don't know."

Once I've gotten it all out I'm left standing in Dirk's room with him still on the floor. I know that he knows when I curse a lot like that I'm upset. I don't even want to risk a glance at his face knowing that. I'm worried about what I might see there. I don't want him to be upset. I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at our dad. I don't even hear him get up I'm so focused on a particular piece of carpet. I nearly jump out of my skin when he holds my cheeks and rubs his thumps under my eyes. He's always got to do some cute little gesture that makes my insides flutter.

"Dave I'm so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am about that. I noticed you and him went back and forth a lot, but I didn't know it bothered you like that. I thought it was just your thing with him." I'm surprised. Dirk and I know each other so well, but we keep not really knowing each other as well as I though. Dirk puts his forehead against mine and I finally risk the glance up. I wish I hadn't. His eyes are so full of pain I definitely regret saying anything. I guess he eventually had to find out though.

"I completely understand why you've always never gotten along with him. I'm so sorry for anything I ever did or didn't do to make that situation worse."

"Dirk seriously, it's nothing to do with you really."

"It's all about me Dave! Everything you said I was linked to."

"Not everything." I try to recall something I said that he wasn't connected to, but he starts speaking again.

"I wish I would've known. I never would've defended him like I did. I alway thought you were so focused on the money aspect of it."

"Wow, way to make me sound greedy."

"That's not what I'm intending."

"I know. Jeeze Dirk let me lighten up the mood."

"No, your trying to hide your feelings again. That hurt you. Everything you said hurt you, and you were afraid to tell me."

"I wasn't afraid to." Maybe I was a little, but I don't think that was my main motivator of not telling him. "I didn't want you to think less of him. I know you cared about him. I didn't want to ruin him for you."

"I would have rather you ruin him. I would have preferred anything else as long as you were happy. Maybe you were right and he never meant anything by it. But you shouldn't have had to wonder that. You should have know that he always cared about you, and that I've always cared about you. You shouldn't have ever had to question that."

"Your emotions are hurting my soul, please stop." I push past his hands and hide my face in his neck. He doesn't even laugh at my attempted humor. He's being too honest and it's just too much right now for me. Dirk finally seems to get that and just wraps his arms around me and hold me close. His chin rest on top of my head, and his hands rub circles into my back. He's trying to soothe me. I'm crying into his chest and I've only just noticed. "God I'm so bad with this."

"With what?" His voice sounds hoarse, maybe he's trying not to cry too.

"This emotional stuff. I can't stop crying."

"It's fine, just let it out. You've held that in too long."

"I've told Rose you know."

"Yeah but I bet telling me feels so much better." It does. It's like I got another weight of my chest that I had been ignoring. I've really got to stop ignoring my problems, they just don't go away the way I think they should when I ignore them. "Would you mind if I gave him a piece of my mind?" Dirk's question is whispered. He's probably expecting me to tell him he's not allowed to, but honestly I would feel even better listening to him go off.

"Yes Dirk, I grant you the permission that you seek." There's finally a small laugh that escapes him.

"You really are such a dork."

"I try." Dirk pulls away from me and nudges me to his bed. While he waits for his phone to turn on he grabs me one of his tank tops and then throws a sheet over me. As much as I like snuggling and be wrapped up in blankets it feels too hot. Even last night felt cooler. Maybe he did change the temperature and I didn't notice. The Apple sign on Dirk's phone disappears and is replace my my face as his background. I can see the missed calls and texts, but he doesn't check those. He just calls our dad and puts his hand in mine as we wait for him to pick up. I smile at him and rest my head on his shoulder. I love it when he's all protective of me, but now I'm also worrying about what he's going to say. I wonder if this can get any worse.