Begin Again

June 21st

" Fen , pakikuha raw ng package sa baba para kay sir Martè.." Kunot noo ko siyang tinitigan.

" Ba't sa'yo pinasabi Marg? " ako yung secretary ba't hindi ako ang lapitan or tawagan?

Nagkibit balikat lang si Marg dahil malamang wala rin siyang kaalam-alam. Pero hindi maalis sa kanya ang muka ng pagdududa. Kita mo 'to. Ako dapat ang nagdududa eh. Paano kung hindi pala totoo na utos iyon ni sir tapos bigla niya 'kong hanapin? Imbis na matiwasay akong aalis nito magkakaroon pa ata kami ng tampuhan. Pasaway!

Bumaba ako sa lobby para kunin ang 'package' para kay sir. Ang arte talaga. Tsk.

Nakangiting inabot sa'kin ang 'package' for sir Martè . Flowers? Oh well baka bati na sila ni Miss– never mind.

Pa-simple ko pang inamoy-amoy ito . I can't help but smile ang sobrang ganda naman kasi ng mga bulaklak.

Ang swerte naman ng pagbibigyan niya..

Sa kakasipat ko sa na ito napansin ko ang maliit na card na katulad sa card na natatanggap ko tuwing may nagbibigay sa'kin ng bulaklak. And speaking nun! Wala akong bulaklak na natanggap nung birthday ko? Hmm. Sayang naman yung vase na binili ko .

I knocked three times on his door before I decided to go inside . Standing here again , it makes me cringe remembering after what happened yesterday .

But you know. Imbes na katakutan ko itong kwartong ito ay dapat hindi. Mami-miss ko rin ito . At goodluck sa bagong secretary niya.

Hindi man lang siya kumibo – the usual of course – so I cleared my throat .

"Aah, sir ? Where do you want me to deliver t-this—"

I can't finished my sentence bes. At feeling ko ...mauubusan na 'ko ng dugo , sinaktan mo ang pu–Fen! Ano ba hindi ito oras ng pagkanta!

"Uhm—" halos magusot na ang ribbon sa paghawak ko ng bouquet na para bang dito nakasalalay ang buhay ko. He is so—

"Please read what's on the card Fen.." He asked calmly then he locked again his attention to his loptap.

I tried to look for the card inside real fast but with this shaking hands I have right now, I can't . Nang nahanap ko na rin sa wakas ang card , hindi ko alam pero , parang nakahinga ako maluwag. Pero agad din namang nahulog ang kaluluwa ko sa bangin.

"What's inside Fen?" I know his not looking at me but I can sense his humour , na nasi-sense niyang tense na tense ako ngayon sa kinatatayuan ko. The fuck! Who wouldn't be? At parang may nakakatawa sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. If only his not my boss. Kanina ko pa ito pinag papalo ng bouquet . Gustong - gusto niya lagi ako pinahihirapan—not that I'm complaining but , you know? A little bit–at least a tiny bitsy of concern will do. Pero dahil Martè siya ay talagang pinupush niya talaga ang pagiging maarte.

The fact na his addressing me with my real name it feels surreal . Para akong lumulutang–okay enough of this mushy stuff. Back to reality.

And so .. I can't still believe the realization hit me, so hard !

He's being nice to me. And now I can even really feel now his presence . Na para bang nasa harap ko lamang siya. Iyong mga balahibo ko sa batok nag tatayuan . Parang mas naging sensitive ako masyado sa paligid ko.

I read his message ..

I'm sorry Fen . And thank you for the cake. Happy birthday to us.

Simple at maigsing message pero hindi iyon eh. It's his effort and thoughtfulness . Iyon lang. Oh ! I can even hug him!

And that made me smile. A real smile . Contentment . The last time I checked na na-feel ko ito is yung nag kwento ako ng nag kwento sa kanya tungkol sa nangyari sa'kin sa tour , back there when we're still in Cebu. Aah.. That moment. I wish I could turn back the time.

It makes me think na he was trying to be nice to me by sitting beside me and listen to my endless talk. Hinding-hindi ko iyon maka kalimutan. It's like it's our special moment. One of our moment–no, the only moment we set aside our personal status. Of being the boss and his employee .

Kaya naman hindi ko talaga magawang magalit man lang sa kanya kahapon. Tampo oo. But I can't erased the fact that he has the right to do that.

The feeling is overwhelming to the point na being happy isn't enough . I need to thank him.
That's it. I will thank him.

As I about to do it . Na-stock yung paa ko bigla sa flooring ng opisina ni sir. Not because naka glue or naugatan na ko sa kinatatayuan ko .

His aura is not dark anymore. It's not gloomy. It's not like I'm seeing a monster. More like I'm seeing a miracle. Miracle. I can't stop but gaped and seizing the moment that's he's in front of me —which only happens ...now. Tama ba pinag sasabi ko? Am I making any sense to you guys? Sa sobra kong shock I can't even construct or think the proper tense or sentence. God.

Iyong crush ko. Finally—nasabi ko na rin ba na crush ko si sir?

He is so... Oh . Why I'm being so exaggerated ? Well it's because —

It's because his freaking in front of me!