Begin Again

February 9th 2018

.......

I sobbed . Every time I cry it's like a thousand knives stabbing my heart, my soul , my whole body ,repeatedly .Napaka sakit pa rin. I think the pain will be permanent .

A two strong arms shielded me . Somehow , I felt comfortable with his arms around me. He's being strong for me kahit na alam kong sa loob niya ay nasasaktan na rin siya .

I blamed him. He's the reason why I had the miscarriage . The stress he causes me. I blamed him. I even made my vows that I will never set my eyes for him ever again. I even gets ballistic before every time he attempts to visit my baby. Here.

Him and his family never got the chance to set foot here until his mother begged. I only let them but not him. After all my baby deserves to know his grandparents . I let them but we never talk. I never wanted to.

But as time goes by. I got tired from restraining myself to be happy again . I realized now that I won't be completely healed if I choose not to forgive and let go. I needed this time to pour out for the last time my anguish.

" Chase...help mo naman si mama oh? I'm hurt baby. Mama needs your comfort." I said while Philip caressing my back trying to make me calm and surprisingly it did work .

I wanted to risk again . I wanted to be adventurous again. I wanted to be excited again. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to feel again and move out from the dark shadow hovering over me. And I'm sure my baby Chase wants that too for me.

You'll help mama , right ?

Cool wind brushed my face . I shivered so Philip tightens his hug . His chin was resting at my head while doing a calming rhythm at my back. He even murmuring a reassuring words . Like a true husband .

And that , after crying so hard I was more calmer now. And somehow my chest feel almost light like a big rock has finally was removed on my chest.

"I'm so sorry for letting you down. You and our son...I...I let you guys down..and now ... I both lost you.."I removed my body from his embrace and capture his face . I made sure his eyes are on me before I speak.

"Yes you did..." He looked down but I pull it up again.

"Yes you did . And you know what I realized just now?" He looked at me with his restless eyes.

"I want to move on...I want to forgive . I want to continue my life.." As happy as I am , Philip looks so bothered .

"And I hope you do the same , Philip... Set your self free. Because I forgive you now. Let's do this for the sake of our sanity and for OUR baby.." Our. This is the first time I used that word. And surprisingly it felt good.

Umiling-iling lamang siya at nagsimulang tumulo ang kanyang mga luha. Natigilan ako . Napakunot-noo .

"Ayaw mo?"

He enveloped my hands with his. So warm.

"I'm happy Fen... You don't have any idea of how long I've been waiting for this moment. Even in my dreams I'm still seeking for your forgiveness .But I can't say that I'm happy that your choosing to move on and continue your life.." What?

"I'm happy that this day finally
had come . But I'm sad too. For this also meant of not seeing you anymore ....but if this makes you happy then I will let you. I love you so much that I will choose to set you free..."

I blinked. Hindi ako makipaniwala sa mga narinig ko sa kanya.

He's setting me free now?

I closed my eyes and let go a  long sigh. I think about our good times before: our endless and countless making love, our simple quarrels , our everyday food trip , our travels together , and so on...