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Chp 97 The Unspeakable Pain

" The pain is unbearable. It's unspeakable. Nothing can ever describe it. Nothing. Losing love ones is like suiciding, repeatedly."- Jane Austen.

Bella's POV

" Ready, Bella?" Carlisle asked.
" yes!" I squealed, practically jumping out of the chair. " I'm gonna take slow, okay? Don't move." Carlisle instructed and I nodded excitedly.

Slowly, he removed the cold wet cloth out of my right eye. I so wanted to open my eyes but Carlisle refused.

With the second eye patch removed, I waited impatiently.
" 1 more minute baby, and you will see me." Edward whisperer huskily in my ear and I grinned like an idiot.

" Slowly, Bell." Carlisle said seriously and I nodded, tearing my eyelids from my cheeks, my eyelashes fluttered.
" Slowly."

" oh god! Close the lights!" I cried, cupping my eyes. " no!" Carlisle caught my hands away from my eyes and Edward flicked off the lights.

" Can you see ?" Carlisle asked and I jumped up. " oh my god! I saw light!" I squealed and pointed at the small flashlight in Edward's hand. I hopped up and down, giggling and blinked my eyes furiously. " oh finally I can blink!" I cried out happily.

They chuckled and Carlisle calmed me down whole Edward went back for the lights.

I settled back down on the chair and couldn't keep the silly smile off I face. Edward came back and finally, I mean finally I saw his face. The grin disappear from my mouth and I broke into tears.

" What's wrong, Bella?" He asked, hugging me. " our s-son, Ed-Edward! He-he's gone!" I sobbed. He patted my back saying comforting words in my ear and I knew he was sad too.
I cried my heart out as I knew my first son was dead. Killed by me.

And finally, tears reached my cheek and down my chin, staining Edward's checker shirt with salt water. I continued crying heavily.

Fate didn't work.
Hope didn't work.
Nothing works smoothly for me.

This aggrieved pain won't go away, forever.

I wanted to die.
I was afraid that I wouldn't die.

It pained. Nothing can ever describe it.
Excruciating is a perfect word for it. It eats away at you......slowly because you try to over come it ...Mentally....

But that just helps a little.......then the rug is pulled out when you realize

I am not okay......this is not going away...I will never again be all right
and a sort of anxiety sets in........like someone is constantly pinching , sticking or slapping you

AND IT JUST WON'T STOP

You want to crawl outside yourself...but can't... I killed my own son.

I'm a monster.
The pain may fade in intensity, but my heart never forgets.
My heart hurts. I already know that there are no words to lessen the pain. How can I go on?
Even though I still disagree with God about how things all turned out in our situation, but I truly believe that at my deepest level, my soul was wounded by my baby's death.

At first I felt like there was a big sign above my head, because the hole in my soul felt so apparent, so obvious, so noticeable. It was a darkness, not an evil darkness, but a sadness darkness, a painful darkness, an empty darkness. A place that just was not supposed to be there.

And I do not think that it means that my faith was weak, and that is why the hole is there. But it is definitely something that I plan on addressing with God when the time comes for us to meet face to face.

A part of me believes that the reason it hurts so much when a child dies, is that there is a trade off of pain. I would give anything to trade places with them so they would not have to hurt or feel the pain. And I am sure that as they get older and experience heartbreak, I would want to take that from them too. All the pain and suffering that they would have experienced in their lifetime gets passed on to the parent in that single moment. It hurts so much, and it hurts so deep, and it hurts so different.

The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection...

My loss is hard. My loss is lonely. But there is something about child-loss that puts it in a unique category.Everything I loved now hurts like hell. Even though I haven't seen my baby's face, I knew him. I carried him in my body for months and then a car crash came, wiping it all away smoothly. I miss him.

Every single thing that used to give me joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight.

There is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control missing. My son.

This is what it really feels like: A part of you has died... a real, beautiful, living part of you has died... and you are still living, left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell.

I'm sorry, baby. Truly, horribly sorry.

Slowly, I pulled away from Edward embrace and wiped away my tears. Wordlessly, I limped to the door, waiting for Edward to follow me to the car lot. Everything was quiet. The ride back home is silent. I am silent. The Cullens came rushing to me with delighted faces. I dodged their arms and ran into my room.

" what's wrong with her?" Rosalie asked. " Edward, you son of a bitch!Why the fuck did you do?!" Jasper growled and that's all I need to hear before slamming my door shut.

My hand fell to my tummy where it was suppose to rest on top of my baby belly but now it's gone. My baby faded away.

I covered my head with my hands, crying again and again. I lifted up the clothes he supposed to wear when he was born but it's all a waste now.

I hugged it to my body, kneeling beside the crib Rosalie had bought for him months ago. Where he supposed to sleep in.

My baby's dead.

" Bella. Bella, open the door, now."
Someone growled impatiently like he had already called for me for the thousandths time.

The cries behind my door turned to muffled whispers in my ears.

The pain is horrible. Like stakes ripped opened my heart and my baby's sole flew out...

Until next chapter, guys...