Worst part about it
I close my eyes
Picturing the last time
I laid eyes on you
And tears swell up
like the snot in a child's nose
Who just got their ass whooped
I suck it up...
You were never a father to me
That's why I'm trying to figure out
Why it hurts so bad
Sitting here
Trying to take in the news
My brother roughly slid
Into my DMs at 9:21am
" I have something to tell you"
I politely ignored the text
Because lil bro supposed to be in class
I got onto the bus
Ready to chillax
Grabbed a seat closest to the door
And popped in my headphones
As the bus pulls off
Next couple of spots
Bippty
Bopty
And Boo get on
We made that bus lit
Till we rolled up on campus
Friends hopped off and we chugged on
A few stops later
Pulled up to the spot
Ready to make some Guap
Skipped my happy ass
Through the mall
Then
BAM
He lays it on me heavy
"U probably wouldn't care but dad died this morning"
Tuesday, February 28th
My life changed again
And for the fourth time
In two years
I was taken aback
Che
Grandad
Daryl
Then You Dad
Whose next
WHOSE FUCKING NEXT
So much shit ran through my head
As I drop to my knees
So many text message sent
None read
I miss that nigga
Like a fat kid miss cake
God took another from my life today
I rolled over
Turned off all my alarms
Went pee
Brushed my teeth
picked my fit
Deodorant first
Second my shirt
Then my pants
socks
Finally shoes
I stuffed my pocket with my charger
Phone
Wallet
Headphones
And keys
PAUSE
I never thought in a million years
I'd be 19 and literally have no father
PLAY
Fucked around and almost missed the bus
Funny thing is Day started off just right
Never thought this day
Would be the day
I'm replaying my day over n over
Trying to figure out is this real or not
I reread that message
Three times before I called
& actually heard his voice
Puberty has set in
I couldn't even recognize him
My baby brother was now a grown man
I miss you
Is what I wanted to say
But are you serious seeped out
Like air in a hot balloon
My voice started to crack
Then just like that
I snapped
My hands were on my knees
As my chest heaved up & down
Down & up
What am I do to
I thought before he died
I would've been
Reconciled with him
Or at least he would've...
Nah
Who am I kidding
This the same man
Who shot me out his nuts
And said I can't possibly be his
He had no love for me
And now here I am heartlessly
Following in his footsteps
I am nothing
Just as you were
That I apologize for
