Amsterdam.

- I'm Not Just A Fuck-Up, I'm A Fuck-Up You Need -

Inspired by the lyrics of the song "Don't leave" by MO posted above. Enjoy. 

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"...I may not ever get my shit together, but ain't nobody gonna love you better."

Maybe you were just toxic for each other. You couldn't stand him having all of those girls around him and his constant leaving after barely spending any time with you lately. He couldn't stand you going out in short skirts and dresses and constant hanging out with your "old friends" who he never even liked. You had some anger issues and you never knew how to cope with them. You would simply scream and fight with people even when you knew you weren't exactly right. You were stubborn and that pushed Martijn away from you. He couldn't stand your anger but you couldn't stand his bipolar mood swings either; because one minute he was this sweet, childish Martijn who cared about everyone and everything and in the next one he was screaming at you and blaming you for every bad thing that ever happened to him. In the last few months of your two years long relationship, it was getting unbearable. 

It hurt so much. You remember it, feels as if it happened yesterday. You were sitting on the edge of the grey comfy couch on which the both of you spent so much time watching TV or cuddling, and Martijn was on the floor right in front of you, back turned. You were barely holding your tears and your broken feelings inside, and he was also trying to be brave for the both of you. Even when you started crying or when the voice that once firmly spoke the three words broke and was no longer firm and loud, he wanted to get up and hold you, to put your broken pieces back together, but... it was too late. He couldn't hold you. Not after those harsh words you screamed in his face. Not after those broken plates that were now scattered into millions of pieces on the kitchen floor. Not after the 'fuck you's and 'I hate you's that were exchanged. He couldn't talk to you, not after all of the yelling and telling you to go to hell. What happened to the once happy couple everyone admired? How could feelings disappear so suddenly? You loved him. You really did. But truth is, you were fucked up mentally and emotionally. You were drained after all of those terrible previous relationships. Martijn had serious trust issues because living the famous life brought all of those consequences, he had some pretty messed up experiences too. You couldn't say that he didn't love you, he did, but he was just getting tired and frustrated. He never knew he would have to avoid you because he was scared of another fight happening. 

There were days everything was going great, you were in love and calm like the sea, your gentle waves would carry your negative feelings far, far away and bring joy; but sometimes the tidal waves brought storms and hurricanes which flooded everything you had built for the past 732+ days. One day you would apologize to each other, make up, talk and figure things out in a calm manner, but then something inside you would just snap and make the tables turn. Sometimes his jealousy and possessiveness or your hysterical condition would bring all the bad things back even after you both previously agreed to never let it happen again. 

But at the end of the day, when you both calm down again and leave the fights behind, you lay down in the same bed, wrap your arms around each other and apologize for every single bad thing you said. You could still see the fire and sparkle in his eyes whenever he looked at you and he could still feel the warmth of your hand in his big, cold one. You both knew you had problems, but you also knew your love was bigger than those problems. He knew nobody could love him like you and you knew nobody would put up with some things he put up with you. For you. He was ready to take the risk of falling, in the name of love.