the switch up

33

April 22, 2017

"I just thought you should know," I say to Zayn as he engulfs me in a hug. For once in his life, he was actually being gentle and soft with the situation. This had been an excruciatingly long week for me and everyone around me and knowing Zayn had a soft side brought a peace of mind.

"I wish you would have told me sooner, I had no idea about the twins or the miscarriage..." I pull away from Zayn and nod knowing I should have told him sooner. I hadn't been in contact with Zayn ever since I dropped off the baby books that were still sitting where I had left them.

His studio apartment looked as it always did, messy and the smell of paint strong in the air. The bed is unmade and dishes piled over in the sink as if he was playing Jenga.

"I know, I'm sorry I haven't been good with letting you know about my sonogram appointments and I haven't been giving you an opportunity to be involved but that will change from now on," I tell Zayn swallowing my pride and mend my broken relationships. All I wanted for my baby was to come into this world with no contention surrounding its birth. I didn't want the baby to be born into strained relationships so I was going to do what I had to do even if it was extremely hard.

"I know there is a slight possibility that you could be the baby's father and if that's the case I don't want to hold you back from being involved with everything," I tell him trying to be the bigger person in the situation. It was time that I became mature with this relationship and look past all the mistakes. I was owning up to my mistakes and maybe if I played nice Zayn would sign the divorce papers.

I had been doing a lot of thinking lately and even if the baby turns out to be Zayn's I still didn't want a romantic relationship with him. I didn't want to be married to him. If the baby was Zayn's then we would make adjustments but I didn't want any type of romantic relationship with him. I wanted him to be active in the baby's life and believe it or not, I wanted to keep a friendship for the baby's sake but anything more than that I wasn't interested in.

"That means a lot to me." He says with a smile traced over his lips. I give him a weak one back and sigh out letting my down mood drown me. I was swimming in an ocean of tears and broken hearts and it was difficult to keep my head above rough waters.

Another tear slid down my cheek and I cover my face with both of my hands. I whimper feeling the waters pull me down by resurfacing the images of the blood running down my legs. The images and feelings hit me randomly and with full force at all times of the day, the pain was crippling.

"Hey Madeline," Zayn says softly pulling me into his chest when he saw me visibly falter in my stature. My breathing is comprised as I gasp for air, my oxygen deprived lungs reaching with everything they had. "Hey..."

"It's my fault... it's my fault I lost the baby-" I am breathy but Zayn quiets me instantly. He runs a hand down my dark thick hair while I hyperventilate into his shoulder.

"It's no ones fault, Madeline, shhh it's not your fault," Zayn rocks me back and forth as I cripple and fall into him. I lose control of my body and feel as though everything becomes limp. My strength is stripped away and nothing is left beside the weakness soaking in my bones.

"I lost the baby..." I shakily say to Zayn who grips me a little tighter. The warmth of his body comforting me as I tremble in pain over my thoughts that were ripping me apart.

"You still have the other baby, he or she is in the safest place possible. You can protect them better than anyone else." Zayn runs fingers through my day old straightened hair. I screw my eyes shut and wrap my hands around Zayn's neck looking for anything to make me feel better. Looking for anything that could numb the pain for even a second.

I was seeking comfort anywhere I could find it and right now in this very moment, Zayn was giving it to me. I had had some dark hours this week and they had broken my spirit. The images of blood and Harry rushing me to the hospital played on repeat in my head. There was no escaping the excruciating pain in my heartbeat.

Every breath was a struggle as I came to realize that there was one less heartbeat inside my body. No longer were there three hearts beating as mine did. Makeup ran down my face as I buried my face into Zayn's muscle tank. In this moment I wished that I could wake up with amnesia, to forget all of this pain that thumped in my heart.

"It hurts so much," I whimper through sobs as my thoughts overtake me. The waves crashing right over top of me and pushing me further down to the bottomless ocean floor.

Zayn pulls me away and holds me by my weakened shoulders. My vision is blurred from the tears that don't stop falling as he brings his finger under my chin and lifts my gaze. My body aches as I sniffle and weaken even more in front of him.

"I'm right here, okay? Just breathe... just breathe." Zayn coaxes me to breathe with him as I unravel in my emotions. I follow his lead and feel the oxygen reach all inches of my body. I keep an even pace as Zayn coaches me through these breathing patterns.

"Everything is going to be okay I promise." Zayn calms me down and goes to fetch me a glass of water while I sit at the edge of his bed. My fingers dangling over the white sheets that cover the mattress I grip the fabric in my hands as Zayn comes back over to me.

Handing me the cool glass, my hand touches the cold temperature of the glass. I take small sips and stare at the water that ripples as my hand slightly shakes. Zayn's hand attaches to my back when he takes a seat next to me. He rubs it up and down my back as I sniffle and try to regain as much composure as I can. I didn't like to show all this vulnerability to people and especially Zayn but this was a moment of complete and utter weakness.

"I will be here every step of the way, you aren't alone Madeline." Zayn wipes a stray tear as I glance up at him. He is soft with his touch and I'm comforted by his little gesture. My heart softening by this experience with Zayn, I had hated him with every fiber of my being but after this, my hate had lessened. Zayn had shown me a different side of him and I was glad I got to see it. It was caring, soft, and gentle as he handled my emotions that were completely melting me.

He was there when I needed him the most and that showed me that maybe things didn't have to be so strained between us. Maybe underneath all that sarcasm and mischief, there was a decent human being after all. One that was capable of comforting someone in need or calming and smoothing over a problem with words of affirmation. We still had many issues with our relationship but maybe after this things would begin to get a little easier.

N. Here's a little update for you all since I forgot yesterday!  And aw Zayn's got a soft side with Madeline, maybe he isn't all bad;)