the switch up

41

July 21, 2017 (26 weeks)

"You know maybe we should try a natural approach first, Annie made it sound like an epidural will drug little Scout!" I express to Harry as we walk through the long aisles of Home Depot to look at paint colors for the nursery. "And I mean what kind of person would I be to drug our baby? She is already stressed enough trying to push herself out an impossibly small vagina!"

"Babe I think Annie was exaggerating with the whole western medications thing. I doubt our baby will come out higher than a kite," Harry tells me as we look at different paint swatches. I had wanted to do a light gray color since it was neutral. I wanted a neutral paint color because I could easily change up my color pallet whenever I wanted when it came to furniture and decor.

"I just want to do everything right ya know?" I confess looking at two different light grays. I couldn't decide between the two colors even though Harry said they were basically the same color. I disagreed and pointed out the major differences I found in the two shades we had both mutually agreed on.

"I know but I don't think an epidural is going to be the end of the world. The epidural goes into your spine which is nowhere near the baby, Annie is just trying to scare you because she believes natural is the best method so of course, she wants her students to choose natural over medicated." Harry says looking more closely at the two colors. We had spent at least and hour in here debating on what shade of gray we wanted for baby's nursery. There was so much to think about with a nursery from the colors, to the functionality, to the decor and furniture.

"I know we need to make a decision for our birth plan but I just don't know what I want yet, hell I can't even pick out paint for the nursery! And we still have to hit up Target to find a crib and high chair!" I huff looking at Harry who is wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a simple white tee. We had done a little yoga today in birthing class which called for us to put in clothes we could actually breathe in.

"This is all new territory for the both of us, remember what Annie said about not sweating the small stuff?" Harry reminds me as I look between both the colors, "The baby isn't going to come out and demand you paint her room cloudy sky gray instead of pale gray trust me."

"You are right I am stressing out over nothing, I think I'm just still upset over the baby shower and Zayn. I haven't heard from him since that night and I guess it's just bothering me." I tell Harry putting down the paint swatches and puff out a deeply rooted breath. This unresolved contention was affecting me even though Zayn wasn't anywhere near me. I needed to mend things, I hate unresolved conflict.

"Maybe it was better that you both cooled off, gave each other space but Mads you can't fall into the habit of always apologizing first. He acted out of line and he needs to be man enough to recognize that and apologize." I understand what Harry is saying and want to agree. I am used to taking the high road and apologizing even of the other person was at fault because I hated conflict. I would rather apologize for something I didn't do then have constant contention between me and the other person.

"I get where he was coming from and I am partly to blame. He was jealous because he wasn't involved with the baby shower and he felt like an outsider." I finally decide on the lighter shade of gray and see a look of relief wash over Harry's features as we make our way to the checkout.

"Mads has he showed you in the least bit he has wanted to be involved? He has missed two ultrasounds, he doesn't do anything you ask him to do when it comes to preparations, he hasn't shown you he is committed." Harry is right maybe that is why it was hard to involve him in the naming process. This baby didn't feel like it was his because he wasn't there to support her or me for that matter.