Split

The Horde Back Together

I had been waiting for Hedwig to return; it had been two days since I'd gone back to his room and I wanted to tell him off. He needed to understand that, although he loved his mice, they weren't worth the death they would bring... but then I wasn't allowed to say anything about it again... Dennis would be the one to suffer if I did.
The door opened and I sprung from the sofa, ready to tackle the situation in whatever way I needed to, and I was met with Dennis' weak smile. Relief flooded my body and I wanted to race over to him and hold him, tell him how much I'd missed him and that I never wanted him to leave me... but if he was here that must have meant that he'd agreed to help again and that stopped the excitement in its tracks.
"Are you okay?" He asked timidly, not sure how I was going to react.

"What do you think?" I snapped, overwhelmed with emotion.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do... she said she'd hurt you if I didn't help her... maybe worse... I couldn't let that happen, I had no choice..." he hung his head and took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes, "I don't know what we're going to do now. She's got control, I can't stop this anymore than you can..." he looked up at me, returning his glasses to their original position, "Hedwig is terrified of her now, I tried speaking to him and he just kept shouting at me to leave him alone... I don't know what Patricia has said but she's got her claws in him now. I'm so sorry, I don't know what more I can do."
He stepped closer to me, testing to see what he could get away with, "will you say something? I haven't had a decent conversation in almost a week, I'm going crazy here."

"I don't know what to say," I confessed, backing away, not knowing if I could stand having him close to me just yet, "all the work I did to try and help Claire and Marcia, everything I said to try and get you to stop," I began to well up, "it's all been for nothing, you're back to the beginning again and you're all the same as before!"
He advanced, a look of hurt clear on his face, and I only stopped walking backwards when I hit the wall behind me. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and didn't want to make eye contact with him.

He gripped my shoulders and held my sinking body up, "don't say that, please don't say that, I'm not the same as before, I don't want to do this-I'm only doing this for you! I need to see you, I can't go back to that loneliness, I can't. I love you."
I looked sadly up at him, surprised that he wasn't trying to back out of what he'd just said, and saw the desperation etched in his features.
I wanted to be angry, I really did, and on a lot of levels I was... but I could see that he didn't have a choice and hadn't I done the same thing? Given my cooperation in exchange for his freedom?
I started to cry and he pulled me against his chest, his strong arms protecting me-even if it was only for a short while.
"I'm so sorry, if there was any other way..."

"I know," I sobbed.

"Do you hate me?"

"Of course I don't."

"Are you sure? I was so afraid that I'd come back to see you and you'd never want to even talk to me again."

"I do, just please don't do this... this isn't the person that I like, I got closer to you because you'd changed your mind and I saw the person you were underneath... if you go back to hurting people then I don't feel like I have a choice, it's so wrong and I can't be with someone that would do that-"

"If I don't you won't be able to see me anyway," he snapped, holding me out in front of him, "don't you understand? I don't have a choice. Either I do this or something could happen to you and I won't allow that. I haven't volunteered for this, I hate Patricia for what she's doing. But I don't know what else I can do."

I shook my head, not sure what to say or how I felt about that. I knew he was right but thinking of him taking more girls made my skin crawl, "what if you pick up someone else and you decide you like them more than me? What if they're prettier and you'd rather... you know..."

He looked a mix of angry and embarrassed, "I know what I used to be like, I couldn't control myself before when I was around girls that I liked... I made mistakes and maybe I have taken advantage of people before... but I can't look at anyone else since I met you. I'm sorry, I don't want to have to say anything about how I was before, but believe me when I say that you've changed me."
I wasn't so sure that he was telling the truth and Patricia's negative comments about the man I'd fallen for came swirling back. He must have seen the doubt because he sighed heavily and sat on the bed, looking up at me, "I'm ashamed of what I was... what I am... but it's all in the past. I can't go back on the things I've done, but I want to make it better. You're my fresh start..."

I nodded, "I know you're trying... I'm just worried."

"I know, I am too." He hugged my waist while still sitting and held me tight, almost like he was scared that I'd run away if he didn't.
I put my arms over his shoulders to try and make him feel better, wanting to just melt away and not have to process this.
"I want to be with you more than anything. We will work through this."
I wasn't so sure.