"Um, we need some assistance." Jesse said once we reached the emergency section of the hospital. He was once again holding Koda in his arms having had to bring her in since she passed out once more. I began to get even more frightened because now she was literally as pale as a sheet.
Nurses rushed forth to see what the commotion was. One nurse with cropped blonde hair called for a stretcher over the intercom, and in one moment once came bursting through a set of double doors off to our lefts. The medics helped Jesse lay her limp body on the gourney while the blonde nurse saw Andrew and waved him toward her. A doctor came and was helping pushing Koda away, Jesse by his side talking to him.
"Sir, come with me." Blonde Nurse reached for Andrew. She and some ajoining doctors walked him down the same hall.
"Asshole doesn't even deserve us brining him here." Jeremy said.
"Yeah. I know." Bryan responded. We all stood there waiting to see if anything was going to happen. All I could think about was how the blood on her face, hair, and shirt turned bright to royal red. I still felt her limp body in my arms, the echo of her shallow breathson my neck.
"You guys come on." Jesse and the male doctor returned. We started down the hall with the doctor leading us.
"Is she okay?" Mikey urged.
"She's lost A LOT of blood. It seems she's got a large, deep gash on her left cheek that's the main source of the bloodlet." he looked at us a few times as he spoke. "Do any of you know how it happend?"
"Her piece-of-shit boyfriend." Jes barked. "They were arguing because she saw him cheating so he slammed her head into the hood of his car." Dr. Mainfreid flinched. "Several times before we got to him.
"After his punk ass ran from us." Bryan said.
"So I take it he was the battered guy with you all?"
"Yeah."
We rounded the last corner and went into a small waiting room.
"Once we get some information on her condition we'll inform you." Manfreid said, glancing between us all. He then left after we nodded, the door slowly shutting behind him.
"Fucking pussy couldn't even stay to fight his own battles. Bryan shook his head, irritation apparent in his oval eyes.
"I can't believe he did that to her." Mikey drooped his blonde head.
I didn't sit like the others. Instead I stood by the window, looking out at the city lights. Cars drove past, going up and down the strip below us. Soon it all became nonsense; I didn't see things. All I could think about was how close we were in the desperate slip of time. I had my arms wrapped tight around her, holding her close to me. Her head rested on my collarbone and the dip in my neck and shoulder. Every breath she took I felt though how few they gradually became. Her heat had faded some, making my heart race.
"No babygirl please." I whispered in her ear though no one else heard.
"I'll still be here." I thought I imagined it but I didn't. Her voice, usually so loud and projective, now spoke softly in my ear. She reached for my hand that held her waist and just barely, with dying whisps of strength, opened my fingers to fit hers. I moved my arm to rest atop hers and put my fingers back. She squeezed them weakly. I closed my eyes and squeezed back, trying to get her to hold on to life. I felt her smile into my neck before it was lights out again.
I looked down at the window sill not able to hold my head up anymore. I looked from one corner to the other, shaking my head some in the process. Just the thought of loosing her was enough to make me die. Enough to make me stop everything altogether.
I saw it in black and white; what would happen. I'd be in my apartment that I would buy after her death, not being able to live with the guys anymore. There'd be nothing there but a couch and a chair. I'd sit in the chair, staring out at the dreary sky and raindrops on the glass. I'd have my body stretched across the length of the chair with my hand covering my mouth. My vision would stoop to look at the floor though I wasn't seeing anything. Nothing had meaning anymore. My feelings, every last one of them, became one; no happiness anymore.
My music would not be an escape because when you have an escape that means you have a fear you can't face. But what do you do when your fear is met? Where is there to run to? People, family, friends, fans... none of them would understand. They would try to explain it to others, but no matter how many words come out, it wouldn't come close to describing it. No amount of explanation, none what-so-ever would amount to what I would feel.
I wouldn't speak. Barely eat. They'd say I was stuck in a rut of depression though I wouldn't be. Or, it'd be a rut of escape and fear. No, I'm not stuck. Not anymore. I'm free, but I don't want to be. I'm not stuck because when you become accustomedd to the dawning, drowning pain that haunts all hours of the day and night, it seeps so far down into your soul that you just cannot rip it out. A black poison filtering down into your being, your soul, filling you to the brim causing extinction of any and everything else. No more happiness. No more pleasure.
Because she is my happiness.
And when she is no more.
I am no more.
