Jesse's Thoughts
Twitter was a bitch, but occasionally I would float around on it. This morning had been a lazy one, and last night had been a hard-to-sleep time for me with Koda on the brain. I hadn't seen or talked to her about yesterday. I didn't even know how she was. All I knew was that.......
I saw Zach coming down the steps and did a perfect double-take. Hair looking just-fucked-perfect, tan legs visible and bra visible under the thin fabric of Zach's white sweater was heaven on my hellish inner turmoil. He was pulling her along, grinning like a lucky fool in love, just as pleased as could be. The sight stabbed me with jealousy.
"Hood morning!" Zach yelled.
"You are TOO lame." Bryan said as he came back in from the backdoor after smoking.
"And you're a douche so I guess we're even."
"Z, that was rude." Mikey popped his two-sense in.
"I know, I was just kidding Bry."
"I know you are."
I was still staring while Z rummaged in the cabinets and fridge for food. I looked from the floor up to her eyes that were already dead-set on me. With only a slim second before Zach turned back around, I mouthed 'we need to talk' to her. She nodded numbly then was distracted by the pretty brown-haired guitarist kissing her cheek.
*
"First thing, are you okay?" I was anxious of her answer as I stood in front of her, my arms on either side of her body, palms flat on my dresser.
The dresser we first fucked on.
"Yeah Jesse, I'm fine."
I rolled my neck, exasperated. "Come on. Are you REALLY okay?"
I could tell she was getting a little agitated by the tone of her voice. "Yes Jesse, I am. I'm perfectly fine."
I still felt bad. "But.... Bryan said he heard you crying. Wailing actually. He said he saw blood on your leg and my bed when he found you. What happened?" her eyes were cast downward, saddened. "Please tell me Babygirl..."
"You cut me Jesse." her voice was small. "You pounded into me too roughly and ripped me a little. That's why I bled. I washed your sheets and cleaned up so no one would know. I had no idea Bryan saw it all. What did he say?"
"He said I practically raped you, that's what he said."
She placed her hand to my jaw and turned my face to her. "You didn't. Granted you were pissed and belligerent due to your anger, but it wasn't like I ACTUALLY TRIED to stop you. Of course I couldn't make noise, but I knew why so it's all chill." she kissed my nose. "Jesse, what you said really impacted me, but I still feel like Zach needs to know."
"I know you do." I pressed into her hand. "And I do too, I just... I do and I don't want this to end." it was like a weight was lifted. "I want it to end so you and I don't have to keep lying to everybody, Z especially, but I don't want it to because I love you. I want to be with you but I know I can't. When I saw you coming down the steps this morning with Zach, and the pure joy written all over his face, I got jealous because I want that too with you. I want to able to have you in just my t-shirt or jacket, holding my hand as I lead you around in merriment. I want the sweet parts of a relationship too, not just what we have already."
"I understand Jesse. It's weighing heavily on my heart too."
I sighed. "I want to ask for one more night with you, maybe not EXACTLY like our night at the hotel, but with the same time frame. Hours, just me and you one last time before this gets blown apart, but I feel like that'll be too much after all we've been through so far."
I didn't even want to look at her face. She was so expression-able as is that I didn't need to hear her say the answer, just look. "I know you're getting tired and I know the time is coming for you to not live with this guilt anymore if you have a way to solve it."
She gasped a little and went straight some. "You saw that?"
I nodded. "That, along with a couple emotional signs let me know that our time is drawing to a close." Finally I took a bold step and looked her dead in the face. "Thank you Koda Ashlee for giving me a chance to finally love someone who has become the sole reason that I function outside of my music anymore. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get a little piece of true happiness, even if it is another man's, and even if that other man is my best friend."
She clutched me hard, wrapping her arms TIGHT around me. "Don't say that Jesse. You make it sound like goodbye."
Knowing how she feels about 'goodbye', how it feels so permanent, I couldn't help but feel it truly WAS a goodbye. "But it kind-of is Babygirl."
She hugged me tighter and inhaled sharply off of me. "I don't want it to be. I don't want to say goodbye to you too."
Even though I held it back for her sake and my own, I saw the tears in my eyes in my mirror's reflection.
"And I didn't want to fall in love with my best friend's girlfriend either, but love knows no boundaries and neither do goodbyes."
"Shut the fuck up Jesse." and she began to cry.
"I know." I said as I held her tight and placed my head over her shoulder. Her whimpers were awful; pitifully weakening with their destructive distraught-ness.
"Oh Jesse." she cried.
And for the second time in all my life in her presence.......
I cried tears of indescribable loss and defeat.
Because this truly was
A
goodbye.
