Jesse's Thoughts
It was even colder early in the morning. The lights around us from the surrounding buildings and cars glowed in the dark blue sky that was glittered with it's own gems. I was distracted from looking at all the stars by Koda standing next to me and saying:
"There he is."
"Who?" I asked, looking back up into the sky.
"Orion's Belt and The Archer." she said. "They're my favorite constellations because I can always find them and because I've always had a fascination with them."
I placed my arm over her shoulders. She looked at me, and I swore I saw myself in her eyes. In her green blades of grass rounded by shiny dew. I saw me... I saw us.
Me and her.
Together.
"Let's go. It's too damn cold to just be standing out here." Bryan ushered past us and into the bus.
"Come on." I lead both me and her into the bus and shut the door.
She immediately went to the back to where our bunks were. She passed the drummer's, the lead guitarist's, and the bassist's bunks and sat on her knees on one under the window. She peaked through it and watched the Denali and The Mustang as we began to tow them out of the parking lot. She reminded me of a little girl looking in the window of a toy shop; just completely mesmerized aw-struck by the wondrous things behind the thick glass.
"I'm beat." Jeremy said from the little table in the corner.
"Yeah, me too." Mikey responded as he sat cross-legged on the floor and began playing Nintendo.
I laid back on the couch and started watching him play, but easily got sidetracked by my own thoughts.
I saw the lamp that was turned on not too long ago glowing steadily in the darkness of my subconscious. That lamp, the beacon of light I never knew I had, staring back at me. I had never had quite a strong feeling as what I had been having for the past week or so. But it wasn't only the butterflies I had, it was a feeling I had that accompanied me everywhere I went. A sickly feeling, awful, and aching in my chest. A frenemy of mine.
Guilt.
I laid in the hotel bed just staring at the ceiling. I called Riker about an hour ago and told him that we would need him to drive us back to California since we had two vehicles to take with us. Plus, I figured, why not drive back? This was a vacation and we weren't in any really big rush to get back to work. But, as I laid there, I just thought about the way our tour bus was set up for no reason and thought.......
"Jesse." she said to me. I had her legs on either side of my waist. I looked up her tattooed leg and up the flesh of the other. I held the nook of her knees sternly in my hands. I looked up the shape of her body to her wild hair and equally effectuated eyes.
"It's gonna be okay. I'll be gentle." I said as I leaned and kissed her waist-line.
"Jesse, just please..." her breath came quick and panting.
I positioned myself at her entrance, already feeling the heat she emitted like fire. I wasn't afraid to get burned; no, I was ready to feel the searing goodness of it. I pushed in and heard her gasp loud again.
And then again.
I got out of my haze and realized that the gasping was really happening. I got up as quickly as I could and met with the other guys in the hallway as we went to where Zach and she were. When I saw her doubled over herself, struggling to breathe, turning shades of unnatural color, my stomach perched inside my mouth. Before I knew what I was doing, I had her body up and holding her against me. There was many voices all trying to figure out what was going on, but I was solely focused on her. I held her close to me, my heart beating faster than it has in a long while, and whispered something in her ear.
"You're not going to die. You mean too much to me."
Her body jumped and she took in air like she had been drowning.
As I thought back to that, I got the sense of guilt washing over me like a cold shower. My inappropriate thoughts were now becoming something I couldn't control. I liked her, I liked my bandmate's girlfriend. I had a big crush that was continuously growing with everything she did. I was falling and falling hard for someone I couldn't have. But...
I wanted her so bad.
Then, the dream I had about Andrew popped into my mind.
"...think about her so inappropriately to the point that you can't sleep satisfied without jacking off to a dirty dream about her..."
Andrew's voice bounced around in my head.
"I don't do that." I said.
Not YET you don't. My subconscious said back.
"But I-I......."
