Jesse's Thoughts.
It's been two days since my love making night with Koda, and, even though things seemed fine on the outside, I knew something had changed in her. She drifted in and out of wanting what I would give her, her passion waned sometimes when we made out. I knew something was bothering her.
"Jesse, Jesse." she stopped me by lightly pushing my chest away from her. I wiped my lips from kissing her neck. "I've got something to tell you."
I bit on the inside of my lip.
"Bryan....... he knows."
I buried my face in my hands and walked past her.
"Dammit. How... when did he find out?"
Tension flipped on like a light switch.
"He found out when we came in the other morning and heard our conversation."
"Is that all?" I was sweaty and panicking. My hair began to get soaked at the roots.
"Well... he saw us kissing too."
I flopped on my bed. "Ho-ly shit. Fuck. I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later."
"If it makes you feel better, he said he promised he wouldn't tell anyone."
That gave me some hope. Bry was always good with keeping promises with us.
But then again...
"When did he tell you he knew?" I was too nervous to look at her body in her form-fitting sleeveless hoodie.
"At the party. He pulled me to the side and asked me if there was something between me and you."
I sighed then covered my mouth, resting my arm on my knee. "Did he say anything else?"
"He didn't say much of how he felt on the situation. He just told me what I already know." her mood was depressed through the fragile waves in her voice.
"Which is?" I figured the answer.
Her sigh was less than promising. "That I should tell Zach as soon as I knew this was over between me and you. He said, 'work it out of your system now before you make amends'."
I couldn't face it anymore. As soon as I began to get the sense things were awry, I knew it was coming close. Coming close to the inevitable end.
She sat by me. "It's okay Jesse."
I suddenly got infuriated.
"No it's not!" I jumped up and yelled. "No the fuck it's not! This whole situation was never 'okay' to begin with!"
"You think I don't know that?" she stood up and was right in front of me. "You think I think it's all peachy to be doing this with you? I know you're smarter than that."
"Shut the fuck up." I sneered at her. She pulled back and halted a second. She stopped working for a second before she powered back on, only this time with more fight in her.
"Who the fuck are YOU to tell ME to shut the fuck up? Huh Jesse? We're both at fault here! I just don't understand what you're problem is just now."
"MY problem? What's yours?"
Koda took calm steps toward me until she was centimeters from my face.
"I'm fucking you. That's my problem."
I raised her up and jumped on the bed with her. I began to rip her hoodie and undershirts off immediately.
"Jesse? What are you doing?"
I put my hand over her mouth.
"You said you were fucking me right? Well, now we are."
I had her naked and me condomed, spreading her legs. I plunged in hard, giving her no time to adjust.
"Mmmmm, hummmm." her cries were muffled by my hand as I plowed and plowed into her with no mercy; over and over and over again.
"You ask what my problem is?" I said and grunted. "It's you. Loosing you is my problem. Loosing you is what's got me so frustrated right now."
Her eyes, though wide, rolled behind her eyelids. The vibration from her moans zinged through my palm.
"I'm not ready to loose you baby, but I know things are drawing to a close. I'm just not ready yet." I rolled my hips forward harder and harder. She scooted away from me to relieve the clash of our hip bones by digging her hands into my sheets. She yanked hard and pulled them off, holding onto them for dear life.
"I want you with ME, not him. I LOVE YOU! Oh gawd how I do! I NEED you baby, please, don't EVER leave me! Not just yet!"
My high was approaching. I watched her face as she squeezed tears out of her eyes.
"YOU SHOULD BE MINE BABYDOLL." I leaned down, staring her right in her tear drenched eyes. "You should be mine." I kissed her as I let out in her body, tilting my hips forward to stream it. She was silenced by my lips as I felt her too release a little. I finally let her go and laid there, watching her cry silently.
"Jesse?"
It was a knock at the door. We both froze and waited.
"Hey yo Jes-Jes? Are you alright in there?" Mikey pounded on the door harder.
"Go go go go go." I mouthed to Koda as I pulled out and shoveled her clothes at her. I pointed to the closet as I slipped on my boxers and ruffled my hair enough to look like I was sleeping. I saw her disappear behind the closet doors before I opened the door.
"Hey Jesse. Man, you look like you've been through hell." it was indeed Mikey's smiling face. "Sleeping again?"
"You act like it's a bad thing." I rubbed my shoulders. "But yeah. Why?"
I stretched nonchalantly.
"'Cause we have studio rehearsals this evening and were just about to go. I came to get you since everyone else is already outside waiting. Did you forget or something?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it slipped my mind." I said.
Mikester nodded. "I could tell. Whatever you were dreaming about was giving you a run for all the cash you got, and that's a lot." he nodded. "Just get dressed and meet us out there k?"
"Okay." I answered shutting my door back. I waited to hear him go down the steps and out the door before I headed to my closet.
"Babyg-" I froze there, staring at the teary eyed ball on my floor. My heart sank and fell out of my feet. "Koda?"
She pulled away from me some when I tried to touch her. "Please? I'm sorry. Don't be like this."
Her expression of shock and solemnity never left the carpet of my closet the whole time I tried. I had taken it way too far this time; I had broke it for her. I had pushed her to her limit of being able to take so much; pushed her and, though she begged, I pushed her over the edge into the barbed wire pit. Now, I get to see the remnants of my force sitting as a tormented nineteen-year-old in my closet floor. Just a heaving mess. A silent mess. A pitifully beautiful mess.
A car horn blared outside.
"I'm sorry. I have to go Koda." I raced to put all my clothes on; jumping into them left and right. I yanked my leather jacket off my dresser and grabbed the door knob but waited. I turned my head just a little.
"Koda. I'm sorry. I love you okay? I do. I'm sorry."
She was still sitting there when I left. Still as broken down and dead as that Scarlet Ibis from that story Zach read.
Far from repair from this little death.
